Our 12 week, 5 day ultrasound……wow.
I’ll be honest…I’m still in a “is this really happening to me?” mindset….
It all doesn’t feel real.
I should have posted this last week….but I didn’t feel right posting during National Infertility Awareness Week. Call me overly sensitive…but I just understand. Year after year, this has been MY week. My week to feel o.k. about myself. And it still is my week….I’m still infertile. I’m still not pregnant. I just somehow found a way around infertility to be expecting a baby at the end of this year…and I still cannot believe it.
Well, I didn’t believe it until I saw our little Joy’s face.
I saw it. Not in my womb…it didn’t matter…..all I saw was that precious profile…
Be still my heart.
Seeing Joy move, and kick and twist….
We also did the Counsyl genetic testing for 2nd trimester. Now, as long as my sister’s(our gestational carrier’s) life is not in danger…we are keeping this baby regardless of the results. Some of you may disagree with our decision. And that is o.k….because this is not your baby or your decision to make. It’s ours. This is the baby we created. This baby is our miracle that is somehow able to grow in someone else. This baby was chosen for us. It is something we were forced to talk about months ago writing up our gestational carrier contract with our lawyers. So a decision had to be made. And that is why I support everyone’s personal decision. And isn’t it wonderful that we live in a society where we can make our own decisions 🙂 . I’ll update with those results as soon as we get them…should be in the next day or two!
But this little Joy has brought light back into my heart. I know my fellow blog friends understand. Those who have been through heartbreak after heartbreak. Many times I thought…”Why me?” and “When will it be my turn?” But what I am slowly understanding is…this is the way it was supposed to happen. This is the only way this little one could be created and brought into this world.
This was meant to be.
And the more I see little Joy grow. The more I “get it”.
It’s as simple as that.
We have another checkup in about 2 weeks…and then the big 20 week ultrasound after that…
It’s flying by and I could not be happier.
This may not have been the way I always dreamed of having a baby…
but it doesn’t matter anymore.
It doesn’t matter that I’ve been through too many IVF cycles and FET cycles. It doesn’t matter that we’ve spent more money than anyone should to have a child. It doesn’t matter that my body failed me too many times to count. It doesn’t matter that I’m not the one carrying our child. It doesn’t matter that I am not pregnant.
All that matters is that little face. Those tiny eyes, nose and lips….
and I can breathe………and say….it’s finally starting to make sense…
This nightmare…is finally making sense.