surrender

I literally feel sick.

I have no control. There’s absolutely nothing I can do now.

Whatever is meant to happen, has already happened.

And how about really having no control……this is not even happening in my own body.

It’s all happening (or not happening) in my sister’s body. 400 miles away.

Talk about truly having “no control”. At all.

I am so beyond nervous.

Tomorrow is beta day.

The day that could change my life or shatter my dreams.

Wow.

But again, I have no control.

Doubt always rears it’s ugly head.

I guess it’s because nothing regarding trying to have a baby has ever really gone my way.

For all of these years, I have been disappointed.

Why should this be any different?

I am preparing myself….for good news……or bad news….

I hate that I have to do that….but it has been my life….for years.

I’ve given up almost everything for a chance to have this child…..even my own womb.

It all comes down to this….

Beta in less than 24 hrs….and we will know.

33 Comments on Night Before Beta (Gestational Carrier/Surrogate)

  1. I never comment, but I’m de-lurking to say that I am wishing all of my wishes for you today and tomorrow. You and your sister are in my thoughts.

  2. This is it! You have to just know that it is and there will be one or two babies who will grow over the next several months in your sisters womb and then they will be born beautiful, healthy, and happy! This is it!

    XOXO

    • I have some positive energy and feel a serious bzzzzzz this morning! I definitely think it’s in relation to you and your results! I’m so excited for you!

      XOXO
      “Big Sister Sara”

  3. All my thoughts, prayers, vibes and pleas to the universe are headed your way. You can and will handle any outcome. We will be with you every step. Xo

  4. I am in the exact boat (in terms of waiting) at this very moment. Tomorrow I find out my PGD tests (18 sampled). If they all come back bad we are done with IVF because there is not guarantee I can carry an egg donor. While I realize your situation is quite different I understand the waiting. My husband and I have talked a lot about how in most circumstances big life changing tragic things usually happen in seconds (i.e. someone gets into a car crash, you go to the doctor and find out you have cancer, etc.) but with IVF it just lingers. Time stands still and you are left to wait. Its unfair. Its not okay. No one deserves this.

  5. I have some catching up to do on your blog, but I wanted to say that I have everything crossed for you as you wait for your answer. This moment before you find out is terrifying– I remember wishing that we could stay in the safety of limbo ahead of finding out about our second transfer. Then I realized that even if we could be protected from heartbreak in limbo, we would also be held back from joy by staying there. Everything you’ve worked toward and sacrificed has come down to this, and that is soo scary… but I’ll be praying that it is now your turn to be able to celebrate. I will tell you that getting pregnant isn’t the end to the pain when it comes to surrogacy… even getting right up to the end of the pregnancy isn’t the end of the pain. But when I held my son for the first time a few weeks ago, I honestly did not care about being pregnant anymore. I thought that I would still hurt over it, but I didn’t. All I cared about was having him, and surrogacy made that possible.

    Sending you lots of love and wishing you the very best. <3

  6. I am sending every positive thoughts, good wish, ounce of hope and love that I have in me. I so desperately want you to get amazing news tomorrow! I’ll be here for you every single step of the way no matter what.

  7. Is anyone else super anxious to hear her news?? I feel like I know her and I don’t even know her name! I keep checking her blog to see updates…
    Wishing and hoping for you!!!!! All your infertility sisters are here wishing the best for you today!

  8. I know I keep saying this, but that’s EXACTLY how I felt. Thinking of you. Again, you are not alone and everything you wrote about how you’re feeling is so spot on normal. This process isn’t easy, sending you all the good vibes.

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