praying-hands

I meant to update you all yesterday but I’m still just processing it all.

When we finally decided to go the gestational carrier route (o.k…let’s be real…I didn’t “decide”, it was my only option at this point), I was focused on that….and that alone.

The whole process is exhausting and took almost a year to get in place.

Add in the years I waited to transfer my embryos and the 4 years trying to have a baby and I was just ready. Ready to put my chosen embryo into my sisters healthy uterus.

But this is what happened on FET day:

I didn’t sleep very well the night before. I’m sure many of you have felt that way before a transfer, but when your future depends on transferring your baby embryo into another person, I was even more anxious than I had ever been.

I had mixed emotions.

Was excited? Yes. Was I scared? Yes. Was I worried? Yes.

Was I sad? Yes.

Sad?

Yes, I was sad.

This made it final. I won’t be carrying my child.

And also, terrified…….What if this doesn’t work either?

Unfortunately, all of those things filled my brain the night before. I slept some but I couldn’t help but pray for so many things.

I prayed for my embryo to thaw perfectly and survive.

I prayed for an easy transfer.

I prayed for a positive pregnancy test.

I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and child.

And most importantly, prayed for my sister and her health and well being.

That is it folks.

Everything that I’ve hoped and wished for was happening that day.

So at 9am we made our way to our clinic. Once we arrived, they were running late. Now, if you’ve ever gone through a transfer, you know that you have to drink 1.5 liters of water 1 hr before your transfer. So my sister’s bladder was FULL. If everything would have been on time, transfer was scheduled for 11am. 11am passed, then 11:30, then 11:45 and finally my RE came in the room. And I could read him like a book.

He looked at me and said, “I’m sorry but it didn’t survive.”

Our best, highest graded embryo did not survive the thaw.

Cue the punch to the gut……and tears.

This was the embryo I wrote my letter to. I had the picture of that embryo.

That was the chosen one.

And it was gone.

He then told me that they went ahead and thawed the 2nd best looking embryo but it did not look good either, it survived but it was, cloudy, lost cells, low grade.

Wow….and again, his face said it all. I could see him processing what he told me the other day….these are not the “donor-like” eggs he thought they were…..

So he came in to ask me, my husband and my sister if we wanted to thaw another embryo since it wasn’t looking good.

Tears continued to fall from my eyes. I couldn’t hold it together.

What? Why? How?

All three of these embryos were the highest Grade AA when they were first vitrified in 2014.

I saw them. They did look perfect. For over 2 years frozen, I just knew they were my babies.

How could this happen? Was it lab error? Or are my embryos just “bad” quality?

I couldn’t help but think it was lab error…and I started to get angry. Upset.

But I needed to pull it together. My sister was on the table. With an extremely full bladder at this point.

A decision needed to be made….do we only transfer the one poor embryo or do we thaw another and see if that thaws and transfer two.

I told my sister it’s her decision. She didn’t want to carry twins. That is why we only decided on transferring one at first.

But now? Now that my beautiful AA blasts haven’t thawed properly, what do we do?

My RE, who is a huge promoter of transferring only one embryo at a time, looked at me and then looked at her and said….”I would transfer two so that we have a chance at something.”

A chance at something?

What an unbelievable blow to the gut.

I could barely breathe.

He told us maybe a 15-20% chance of a pregnancy.

So my sister agreed. And that’s what we did.

It was supposed to be such a happy day.

It was supposed to finally be MY day….my day to give my embryos a chance at life.

And then this.

I’m trying to stay positive friends but it’s hard.

I can’t….it’s BEYOND hard.

Everything lies in this. We are all in.

And it’s in His hands.

I have to keep reminding myself that He has a plan. God has a plan for us.

Here’s to believing that my embryos are growing in my sisters uterus. That they are healthy, that they are happy and that we will see them in 9 months.

Nothing ever seems to go easy for me in regards to infertility…and I just need to accept that.

Thank you all for your messages the other day…I’m still trying to process this all and trying to stay hopeful.

Please Lord, if it’s in your will….let this finally, finally be my time.

 

 

39 Comments on FET Transfer (Gestational Carrier/ Surrogate)

  1. I am so sorry that what was supposed to be such a happy day turned into a very stressful one. It’s not fair how nothing is easy on this journey and nothing goes according to plan. I have always tried to not stress on the quality of the embryos and to focus on the fact that many times low graded embryos turn into a healthy baby….but, I know that not focusing on the quality is hard. Sending lots of prayers that the little embies stick for life. Hugs. xo

  2. I have tears in my eyes as I read what you went through. I am at a complete loss and i just hate that things didn’t go well yesterday. I’m hopeful, you transferred two little embroys and that gives me hope because one might just settle in and grow big and strong. Yet, I know you must be scared and emotionally exhausted right now. I wish this was easier for you, you just don’t deserve this struggle. Sending you so much love my friend, and wishing your little embroys the absolute best!

  3. What a truly hard day. I am so sorry. I don’t want to be one to get your hopes up because I always like to stay realistic in my journey but the only Ivf cycle that worked and brought me my son was the transfer of poor quality embryos that gave me a 5-10 percent chance of success. I know you must guard yourself here but I am full of hope for you. Xo

  4. Wow, what an ordeal. I’m so glad you were able to transfer two for the best chance possible. I’m sure it was an emotional decision and ever harder to make right there on the spot, but it sounds like you made the best out of a challenging situation. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the very best outcome!

  5. What an awful experience. I’m so sorry you had to go through that sweetie.

    Sending good thoughts and vibes for the embryos. I have hope.

  6. Thinking and praying for you and your sister. I hope that one day you look back on these days and see it was all worth it!

  7. I am so sorry for what happened. I just wish that now, after all else you’ve been through, that you would have a break. Unfortunately we all know that life isn’t fair but it just sucks so bad. I will keep you, your sister and family on my thoughts and am wishing and hoping that they are sticky embabies. Hugs….

  8. This is so hard to read…I can’t imagine how you felt. My heart goes out to you. It feels broken just reading this. BUT– there is still hope! Here’s to hope for those other beautiful embryos. I hope they make themselves at home.

  9. So hard to keep the tears from falling as I read this post today…going through the emotions of your day, a day that was supposed to be joyful and turned into a gut wrenching day of unknowns. I will be praying for you, your sister and those two little embies.

  10. Oh I’m so sorry. I don’t know why things have to be so bumpy. But I believe God can take what seems like an unlikely, very less than ideal situation and make something great happen. Don’t give up hope. Nothing shall be impossible!

  11. I have been waiting anxiously for your update and my heart breaks for you. However, as I tell many of my IF sisters…if you can’t bring yourself to have hope then I will carry that hope for you and your family.

  12. THIS is it! You have one or two babies growing in your angelic sister’s womb! They are becoming very comfy there and will grow very healthy and be so happy! You will see huge smiles when you see your ultrasounds! I KNOW it! XOXOXOXO

  13. Wow, that’s a tough lot of happenings to take in, all in one day. I am hoping that your embryos hunker in and that you’re going to be a mum in a few months. X

  14. i’m praying for you, your hubby, your sister and your precious embryos. a friend did ivf with a very poor quailty embryo that they had no hope for and that embryo is a beautiful 3 y.o. girl now. keep hoping. hugs to you.

  15. I am so sorry to hear this happened. I am going to keep hoping that your embryos take and you are able to welcome your babies home in 9 months. You are all in my thoughts. Hugs.

  16. I am just gutted reading this. I am so so so SO sorry you have to experience this kind of heartache and disappointment. Your clinging to your faith even still is so admirable. I will be praying for those dear, sweet embryos, your babies. xoxo

  17. I am so sorry for this whole ordeal that you have had to go through. I know we will never understand why things often don’t go well on our fertility journey, but please know that percentage given by a doctor doesn’t dictate the outcome. God does. I pray that your embryos are finding a good spot in your sister’s uterus and are making it a cozy home for the next 9 months. Much love to you. <3

  18. Oh Sweetie, I’m sorry that once again, things did not go as planned. You are one of the strongest, kindest, most loving women I know and I so pray those little ones will continue to grow for the next 9 months! Sending you lots of love and huge hugs!

  19. Oh sweet girl. I am so sorry how the day went. Lord, we ask for a miracle. We ask that you would protect these babies. Breathe life into them and cause them to grow healthy and strong and stay put for 40 weeks. We believe Lord!

  20. I have been catching up with your story and after reading so many posts back to back, find my heart attached to your dream, the cruel setbacks, and aching alongside you. This is beyond your turn and your time. Please universe! You are stronger than strong, even when feeling your weakest. We believe!

  21. I’m very sorry your special day had so many unexpected turn of events. I wish I had the rights words to say. I wish I could remove all our infertility problems, no one should endure what we have to. But sadly I can’t, only God knows why we walk the path he has placed us on. I truly believe he knows the depths of our heartache, our yearning to be mothers and he’s telling us do not give up, fight on. A wise friend once told me “We are tested to testify” and although I think us dealing with infertility have been tested a lot more than we would like, we have to keep going, our babies are coming! I will continue to pray for you and your family and send you positivity and light.

  22. I absolutely relate to everything you wrote about feeling sad on transfer day. I’m thinking of you so much right now, the feelings are all so familiar. I wish there were some wise words I could give you, but I don’t have any. Just know I’m thinking of you, and you are not alone.

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