heartbreak

I’ve thought about this often battling this disease of infertility.

The struggle.

I remember when I first started trying to conceive, I compared myself to others. I would read about someone who started trying to conceive since 2007, and think, “Wow, she’s “struggled enough” and I’m sure her time will come soon”. And then it didn’t. Then I would read about another woman, ttc after 2 months and who simply had to take Clomid for a cycle or two and she got pregnant. Just like that. Did she “struggle enough”?. Why does one woman get to have a child so much easier than another woman that has struggled for over 4+ years, numerous miscarriages and hundreds of treatments? It didn’t make sense to me….

Which brings me to a couple of bloggers here who have been there from the beginning…I’ll simply give some names….Isabelle, Elisha, Caroline, A, Dawn, PS, Elena, Chelsea, Steph……..I’m sure I have missed a few as well…..

These ladies have struggled. And continue to struggle.

Year after year. Years….after years. And I feel their pain. I’ve been there with them. They’ve cheered others on, while they continue to either receive bad news or no news regarding their quest to have a child.

It really hit me after Isabelle received another BFN after her second donor egg transfer this past weekend. Devastating. My heart goes out to her and her husband.

Why does this have to continue happening? Hasn’t she “struggled enough”??

Haven’t we all struggled enough??

I don’t have answers. But it does open the door to fear into my soul…..and then I question……

What if using a gestational carrier doesn’t work for me?

What if, after ALL of the crap I’ve been through and all of the money we have spent is for not?

I know I can’t let that in. I can’t think that way….

I must stay positive.

I must believe that this is the way our child will enter the world.

I’ve struggled with and yet accepted the fact that I won’t be able to carry and nurture this child for 9 months.

Isn’t that enough struggle?

Years of needles, hundreds of Dr.’s appointments, thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt, sacrifice, pain, sadness….

Isn’t that enough struggle?

I don’t know.

But for now, I just must believe.

Simply believe in this plan and my gut feeling.

I believe it will work and I believe I will be holding my child by the end of this year.

And that’s all I can do right now…….is simply believe.

 

 

 

 

38 Comments on Haven’t We Struggled Enough?

  1. Yes it definitely is enough for you and all those ladies you mentioned! It is not fair! I will never understand it – ever. I just want it to go as smoothly as possible for you in this process. I will be praying so hard that this works! …and like we have talked about before, it will all be worth it when you have your son/daughter/maybe both?? 🙂

  2. Oh the tears.. I’ve read through so many struggles on my reader, just praying for so many couples. That question only ever has one answer.. The answer is always yes.. Yes, you’ve all struggled enough. Too much. Isabelle’s blog hit me this weekend too. My heart broke for her.. I just wanted it so bad for her. But like I believe with you, I also believe for her and so many bloggers. Your story isn’t over yet. Xoxo continuing to hope right beside you.. Sending love as always.

    • Thanks S…you would have been on this list but you are almost there!! And stories like yours make me keep going through all the heartache. I’m so very happy for you and appreciate your constant support throughout this struggle…love to you and baby N…xoxo

  3. I think about this often when trying to rationalize why some people struggle more than others. I feel like I could just solve that equation it would make the journey easier. I don’t think there is an equation to solve but I know that you have struggled enough… We all have. xx

  4. Thank you for your blog. I’ve been struggling with infertility for over 5 years and never, ever been pregnant either. I’m getting closer to 40 and don’t know if this will ever happen. Your blog helps me know I’m not alone.

  5. The one that touches my heart like that is Manju, Myselfishgenes blogspot. She suffered years and losses that I am not sure I could recover from. I am not sure how she kept going, kept going, and then kept going. I am pretty sure I would have given up a few times over. She got her happy ending, but at great cost.

    And yea, I hear you. This has been a long slog. Haven’t we suffered enough? And if I haven’t, surely Isabelle has? It’s just not fair.

    • Oh yes, patientsubfertility, Manju…I couldn’t agree more. She has gotten me through some low times. Reading her blog and the information it includes is amazing. Great to mention her.
      You should be on this list too(adding you)…and I know I missed many more women who have been here for years…plugging away and staying focused. Positive thoughts to you…it’s gotta be our time soon…lots of love…xoxo

  6. I am so with you on this. I feel so confused over why this road is so hard for so many. I just hope the end of the struggle brings insurmountable joy and somehow that is how the universe repays them. Xo

    • Thank you Mamajo..you are right there with us…you struggled to have your son and now struggling again. Thank you for always supporting us and I agree, I pray something wonderful is on the horizon for us all….love to you…xoxo

  7. I will never understand why some have to struggle so much and why some do not. I just don’t get it. But I do have to say, I’m desperate for everyone to be out of the struggle, all the ladies you mentioned and you included, each one (and more) so deserve to have their dreams come true. You have all suffered so much and it breaks my heart. Like mamajo, I just hope the end of the struggle results in such amazing joy!

    • Thank you MPB…you are on that list too. You have struggled, and struggled and now…finally to have your son in your arms…I’m just so thrilled for you 🙂 There’s got to be an end in sight for us all. Thank you for always being here for me…such a wonderful support and again…I’m SOOO thrilled for you…what an amazing story you have…xoxo

  8. Wow what an incredible post. Yes I agree you have all struggled MORE THAN ENOUGH! It’s amazing that you can still find positivity and I commend you for that. Here’s to cheering you all on as you achieve your dreams.

  9. I feel like this is truly the real struggle. Knowing when enough is enough. Knowing deep down that maybe, it won’t work. But somehow, we have to keep the Faith. We have to believe that it’s all for a reason. A wonderful post and I agree, I believe any struggle for someone who wants to bring a child into a loving home is too much.

    • Thanks Lavonne…you are right there too…you have been on this road WAY too long. And yes, keeping the faith..that’s the only thing that has gotten me through. Thank you for your support and thinking of you during the DE process..lots of love! xoxo

  10. You have struggled enough. Too much. It’s not fair. I’m so sorry for your pain and heart ache. Sending you hugs and hope that the end of your struggle is near.

    • Thank you Jessah…you struggled way too much as well and so many more too. Stories like yours though encourage me to keep going. Seeing that true happiness when you are holding your little Mav….just makes me believe it can and will happen. Thank you for your support…truly appreciate it…xoxo

  11. I just realized I was on your list, and, gosh, I’m grateful for your compassion. I do hope at some point to be able to tell some different story. (I do believe that Isabelle will, while I feel sad that she must again pick up the pieces and forge on.) It costs me nothing to root for others as our journeys are separate 🙂 so I sure hope your loss of pregnancy will lead to the gaining of a family and an unbreakable bond between sisters!

    • Oh A…you had to be on the list. I am always thinking of you and just feel like you are #1 on my list of women that need a break…honestly over me too. Like yesterday. Something has to give…it has to get better and there has to be some good on the horizon. There just must. And yes, my sister and I are growing closer and closer with this process…which is amazing and a positive part of this grueling process. Lots of love to you always…xoxo

  12. I feel that we all have struggled enough. It’s not fair that it’s so easy for some and so hard for ladies like us. In the past 3 years I feel that I have been thrown so many curveballs that I can’t keep up. I hope that our struggles are coming to an end. sending hugs. xo

  13. Oh friend. It sure does seem like so much. Too much. It has to be over soon right? “How Long, O Lord”.

    I WILL NOT stop believing. I won’t give up. Just think how close your breakthrough might be! I don’t know the answer, but I am cheering you on friend! You are NOT alone

    • Thank you Caroline…”How Long, Oh Lord?” is right? I will not stop believing either for us ALL. Our breakthrough is right around the corner…I can FEEL it. Cheering you on as well…we will get there…He will guide us! Thank you for always being there for us all in this community…our true ttc angel 🙂 xoxo

  14. I write to you with tears in my eyes because I too know your pain. My hubby and I have been married almost 7 years and have been trying for a baby ever since. I simply can not describe the sinking feeling of being at a dinner when a close friend announces their pregnant! Not only are they pregnant but they say “we weren’t even trying or it happened on the 1st try.” I may have looked like a deer in headlights but what could I do? I did my best to smile, congratulate the couple then excuse myself to the restroom to wipe away my tears. The hubby and I would then return home and cry together. Many, many pregnancy announcements later and we still have the same heartache; however, we have grown stronger. We have faith that our baby is coming. I love my friends and am truly happy for them; although, we can’t help but wonder, when is it our turn? Within the last 3 years I have attended 12 baby showers, I even helped with planning and decorating. It has not been easy, each one is a struggle, but I try my very best not to doubt or dwell. I enjoying being surrounded by these beautiful babies and living in the moment with my husband. We continue to pray, hope, dream but most importantly, we have faith that our baby is coming. Thank you so much for your blog for I am not alone in this struggle.

  15. This post hit me. So much struggle but at the same time, so much hope and believing! I am praying that the end is near for you and that you will very soon, be holding your dream in your arms! Love you, Friend!

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