till kingdom

Almost exactly two years ago…this was in my post:

January 25, 2014

IVF #2-Yay! 6 blastocysts vitrified!

Now, I need my lining to cooperate. It’s never been above a 6….and that was pushing it…it’s always more like a 5.

I’ll be taking this month of Feb off to let my body rest and see how my cycle naturally goes (lining wise) and then use ALL of the big guns in March for an FET…at least that’s the plan 🙂

 

Well, that was the plan. At the beginning of 2014.

And we all know how “plans” go with infertility……out the window.

I really thought I would be able to grow my lining, like the 99% of women in the world.

But no.

I didn’t get it and since there was not much, at all, about chronic thin lining issues online…I was lost. And to be frank, I still am.

2 years later, 5 surgeries later, a failed IVF#3 later, a failed transfer later, 6+ cancelled FET’s later…….and here we are, January 2016, still waiting and praying for a safe place to put my embryos.

My embryos have been frozen for over 2 years. I worry about them. I worry that freezing them for too long will hurt them. I say hi to them every time I go to my clinic. I know where they are. Behind the door next to the waiting room. Tears form if I think too much about it…but I can only pray that they are safe and healthy and will be in a healthy uterus soon.

You see, because they are already my babies to me. I feel it in my gut that at least one of those blasts will become my baby. And my uterus is just incapable for some reason. I don’t know that reason but I’m ready to let go. It’s finally time to give my babies a chance…..

So this, this is a note to my frozen embryos:

I haven’t forgotten about you baby blasts. I’m going through the process of providing a safe home for you with your auntie for 9 months. And then a lifetime with me and your Daddy. I am going to make this happen, someway, somehow God willing. I know that He did not provide me with this love and devotion to become your Mom if it wasn’t in His will. I know you’ve been waiting, just please remember, I will come back for you. You are my children and I will give you a chance at life. I feel it’s our time now. I’ve been waiting all these years for you. Just please wait for me. It’s almost time. I promise.

Til Kingdom Come: Coldplay

One, two
Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I never felt this way before

The wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my hand inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you, I’d wait ’till kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say, you’ll come and set me free
Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait ’till kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
Say, you’ll come and set me free
Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

21 Comments on Just Say You’ll Wait For Me…..

  1. Oh the tears…. This post truly demonstrates a mother’s love. Your babies are already so loved. You’ve waited for them, loved them, and vowed to find a safe place for them to grow. You are already an amazing mother to them. Thinking of you and praying always friend. Xoxo

    • Oh thank you so much S, I know you would understand. I do love them so much…I’ve loved them before they even existed, but now that they exist…in these tiny balls of cells….I can’t help but think one or two of those are my babies…and will be my living, breathing babies….gotta give them a chance in a great womb 🙂 I think I’m finally ready for this and i just pray every, single day that it works out…I must believe that this will work….love to you, baby N and T as always! xoxo

  2. I can hear the love you already have for your babes in your writing. And I can relate to the fear of having your embies frozen too long, ours were frozen a few months after yours (April 2014). Its hard to go into that clinic each time knowing they are there and u cant take them with u.

    • Thank you SI, I thought you had some frozen close to mine…isn’t it the hardest to know that they are at your clinic and you can’t do a thing?? So sad….just want to hold them in my arms. It will happen…somehow it will happen for us…I’m believing it! xoxo

  3. It’s amazing the love you can feel for something so tiny. They are waiting for you momma! Our embabies were frozen, thawed, biopsied, re-frozen and then thawed again before being transferred and growing into our little ones we have now. All over a two year+ span. I am so hopeful for you!!

  4. You really do express yourself beautifully! I read your words, feel your pain, and cry tears just like you do. I don’t have a diagnosis myself, but am in the category of infertile too… Now, after miscarrying, I’m labeled as secondary infertility….for unknown reasons….

    I will pray for your baby blasts to become infants you will hold, and raise, and cherish while they grow into amazing people! I pray for myself to one day see my own babies!
    With tons of love….
    Sara

  5. This is really wonderful and they way you wrote to your babies is just darling. Like you say, the one thing that is for sure with infertility, is that nothing is for sure. I am only as far as freezing my husband’s sperm right now as they can’t get to my ovaries, although I just had surgery to fix that. I just started a blog and Youtube Channel and wondered if any others in the wonderful IVF community would have a second to say hello? I am praying I will one day be able to write a letter to my blast babies just like you when they finally figure out how to get my eggs out. Wishing you all the luck in the world with your sister and praying you get to put those babies somewhere safe and sound until they are ready to make their appearance. Thank you so much and good luck.

  6. Don’t worry about your little babies being frozen for too long…I had to go through ivf to have a baby after 5 years of trying(early menopause). I used donor embryos that had been frozen since 1999(we had the transfer in 2010). My third transfer worked…I had 3 embryos implant but ended up with 2. Two perfect little boys. It’ll happen for you! And once it does you’ll barely remember the heartache of those phone calls bearing such terrible news(negative) and those horrible, invasive procedures(anyone else want to poke around my uterus!!??) I wish you luck and am looking forward to your blog sharing your joyful news!

  7. This is so sweet and emotional. I completely understand your love for embryo babes. Every cycle I feel like I “love” the nonexistent blastocyst my body has never created. Best laid plans of TTC-ers. Wishing you nothing but love and happiness and success in the next stage of the journey

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