Happiness-can-only-exist1

2016 is here.

If you read my last post, 2016 is my year of “Acceptance”. I know, it doesn’t sound too exciting but I have to say, a little relief has already come from that decision. I’m accepting what 2016 has in store for me good, bad or ugly….and I know I can handle it.

So what comes from that decision is also something that I wasn’t sure I could ever really “give up”. But I’m ready to say.

This year, I’m giving up on getting pregnant.

You see, I’ve never, ever been pregnant. Like ever. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of, just as many of you dream of or fortunately have achieved.

But it hasn’t happened for me….ever. And I’ve tried EVERYTHING. Well, everything legal in the USA. I would continue to try naturally, if I could as well, but I don’t have tubes so, I’ve done everything possible with the help of many RE’s….and it just hasn’t happened.

I don’t want to act like this isn’t a big deal. Because it is. It is huge. Most of you, even though some of you are still not pregnant will eventually become pregnant. I’m, unfortunately, a part of the extremely small group of women(less than 0.6%…yep, not even 1%) that have such chronically thin lining that it acts like it’s on birth control when it’s not…and a baby cannot survive in a lining that is 3mm thick.

It really comes down to this for me: Do I want to be pregnant? Or do I want to have my child brought into this world healthy and safe?

Obviously, it doesn’t even come close. I just want my embryos to have a chance at life. I feel it in my gut that one of my frozen embryos from January 2014, will be my baby or babies….and I cannot risk them on me. They are too precious to waste on my miserable uterus to continue to try on me. If you remember, I tried to get a couple of more blasts by doing a 3rd IVF cycle, but we were left with ZERO embryos, more debt and more heartache than I thought I could endure.

So I’m giving up on trying to get pregnant.

BUT

I am NOT giving up on my baby blasts.

And fortunately, we just received news that my beautiful sister’s surgery was successful and she’s been cleared to be our gestational carrier πŸ™‚

Now, this is one small step. If you’ve ever looked into using a gestational carrier, it is beyond the most overwhelming thing possible…like ever. But, I have my sister….and that should make it so much easier….right?!

WRONG.

I swear, they almost make it harder because it’s someone you know and are related to. There are no breaks, at least in California, that they give you for using a relative.

For example, you would think, that since it’s my very own blood sister(who, God willing would be the child’s Aunt), that we wouldn’t really need a formal contract drawn up by a lawyer…at least that’s what I thought…..ummm..but nope. And that alone costs well over $6000+……and it’s my sister….and it makes me sick that after EVERYTHING we have already spent, that we have to now go and spend money on things like that….and that’s just one piece of this giant puzzle when you decide to use a gestational carrier.

But, if this ends up working. Or should I be really positive and say WHEN this ends up working.

I won’t care.

I won’t care about it all and I will thank God for the miracle that is born into this world.

I will be forever grateful to my amazing sister and I will pray that it will finally all make sense.

So, in short, I’m moving on. I’m done with my body, I’m over myself. Chapter closed for now.

But there’s also finally some good news folks. My sister’s uterus has healed….and we are now in business.

FINALLY some good news…let’s keep it going 2016…

We sure are off to a good start…..

 

56 Comments on Giving Up On Getting Pregnant

  1. Such an inspirational read today. You have been so strong through it all and now you have is peace accepting the new route before you. I hope 2016 is your year, I really do. I am patiently waiting for my scar tissue removal surgery and am on the waiting list for an egg donor – in case that does not work. I truly hope everything works out and your baby blasts make it to finally meet you.

    • Thank you so much Sam. It has been such a long road that I’m just ready to move on. I pray that it all works out and this is how my children will be brought into this world. Thank you so much for your support and best of luck to your scar tissue removal and egg donor list if necessary…where there is a will, there is a way….and we will make our way to our babies one way or another…thanks again! xoxo

  2. Yay!!! I am so beyond happy for you that the your sister’s surgery was a success and you will have a chance at having your baby! Finally! I know that it’s very tough to not be the one carrying the child. I for one have always wanted to be pregnant. But, with your history, this is the best thing that you can have for the embabies that you have frozen. I know the legal cost is outrageous but today I am going to celebrate the fact that you are one or two or three steps closer to your bab(ies)!

    • Thank you Isabelle. It sure has been a long road…and as much as I would do anything to carry my own child, I just want them here safe and sound. I pray that this is the way that will happen. Always thinking of you and know that your good news is around the corner too. Lots of love…xoxo

  3. That’s such great news about your sister! I hate that it costs so much, even when it’s a family member serving as surrogate, but the legal stuff is there to protect ALL parties, including your future baby. You have such an inspiring attitude! I’m one of the lucky ones who eventually got pregnant, so I don’t know what it’s like to close the door on that, but I agree that it is a huge deal. It’s something you may grieve for a while, even while proceeding with surrogacy. I can’t wait to follow this new chapter!

    • Thank you Kitten. I remember all you had been through and I’m so glad that it all worked out for you πŸ™‚ I just finally had to decide between trying to carry my children or being able to get them here safely…and so I had to choose surrogacy. Just too much unknown with my uterus. Now, I pray that my embryos are healthy and grow into my children. Appreciate your support and I’ll def keep you updated on this new chapter πŸ™‚ xoxo

  4. What a huge huge hurdle to cross. Both on your sister’s readiness and in your acceptance. The heartache of all you have faced is so intense and deep but I know deep in my soul, the joy that fills you WHEN you first hold your baby close will somehow smother it. Really hopeful for you 2016!!

    • Thank you mamajo. Yes, WHEN I first hold my baby….thank you for reminding me to think that way πŸ™‚ It is so hard sometimes but you are a wonderful cheerleader and I truly appreciate all of your support πŸ™‚ Lots of love and strength to you this year too my friend…I feel good things happening for the both of us πŸ™‚ xoxo

  5. So happy that you have some good news! Your sister is such a gift and it’s really wonderful you have each other! Wishing to hear more great news as soon as possible from you!

  6. Best of luck! I can’t think of anyone more deserving than you to be a Mom. So happy to hear about your sister. Fingers, toes, everything crossed. xo

  7. While I’m sure that was one of the most difficult choices you’ve had to make, I’m constantly amazed by your resilience.. I’ve been following your blog for a long time and I honestly consider you an amazing friend. I know you’d rather not be strong or resilient… it’s something you just have to sort of do because of IF. But you are a strong, amazing woman.. and I don’t think it’s just because of IF. I am always thinking of you and I’ll start a new prayer now that your sister has been cleared after surgery. I’ll pray for peace in this decision, your strength (along with your sister’s), the exhausting legal process, and most importantly.. you’ll get to hold your own child soon. As always, I’m sending you love from across the miles. xoxo <3

    • Thank you my beautiful S…yes, it was very difficult but I have to give these embryos a fighting chance. If they are healthy, they need a healthy uterus to survive and I cannot give them that at this time. I hope you are right and once I’m holding my baby, it will all make sense…finally. I appreciate your friendship and support more than you know. Your prayers are appreciated and I’m always thinking of you and Baby Nora too. Love to you all from the west coast….xoxo

  8. I am so happy to read that your sister is able to be your gestational carrier! It must have been a very difficult decision to close the chapter on a pregnancy for yourself, but you are being so selfless as a mommy already, you are protecting your sweet blasts and already putting them first!

    • Thank you Kelsey…it was a very difficult decision but it had to be made. And you’re right, I’m already putting them first which is what I’ll have to do once they are in my arms. Appreciate your support so much…xoxo

  9. Wow. I’m in awe of you here. And your sister – what wonderful news. You’re giving up, but in a way you’re giving in…to whatever 2016 brings. Which sounds pretty awesome!

    • Thank you Nara…giving up but giving in is right. I feel that 2016 is showing me the way and I know my children are within those blasts so I have to give them a chance with a good uterus. Appreciate your support! xoxo

  10. I’m sure it was such a relief to reach acceptance. You are an amazing woman. Great news about your sister being cleared to be your gestational surrogate. The amount of work it takes to just get to a transfer is insane (I’ve researched it as an option). I wish you the best of luck and a super smooth ride.

  11. I can’t wait to hear how things go! Probably a really ignorant question…what happens if your sister travels to a state that would not require those documents for the transfer? Would that help or is it more about where she delivers?

    • Thank you Kj…she lives in CA…6 hrs from me mind you but she’ll be delivering in CA so all paperwork has to follow CA law and it is ridiculous. I totally understand when it is a stranger but you would think a blood relative would be a little different…nope. I’m just trying to take it step by step and pray that it all works out in the end. Thanks for your support…xoxo

  12. So glad your sister is cleared to move ahead with a transfer soon. As hard as it must have been/is to let go of the desire to be pregnant, especially when you tried so remarkably hard, I’m sure it’s a relief to know that you will be holding your own baby soon Lord willing. Maybe (hopefully!!) even later this year!! So happy for that. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much journey…it was very hard…and I really didn’t want to give it up but I felt like it was the safest decision for my future children. Lord willing is right that I’m holding my babies soon! Thank you for your support! xoxo

    • A! Well, I certainly hope you are right after ALL of this…it is such a process I tell you but when it works out, I’m sure that’s when it will finally all make sense. Here’s to it finally making sense for us both in 2016….lots of love to you A…xoxo

  13. I’m sorry you’re having to grieve getting pregnant. So much loss on this journey and remember the grief of closing the doors on having a bio connection with my child. It’s hard and I’m sorry your uterus let you down. But I’m so hopeful that you’ll have your baby blasts in your arms soon with the help of your sister. What an amazing gift that she’s helping you.

    • Thank you so much Jessah. Stories like yours and Suzanne’s keep me going. You all inspire me to not give up. I might be giving up being pregnant but I can’t and won’t give up on my future children. Thank you so much for your support and being a bright light in this community. I hope you are right and that I’ll be holding my child in my arms soon and it will finally all make sense. Appreciate your support…xoxo

  14. What great news about your Sister! And I love your word for 2016. Praying that this is your year and I’m sorry that they put such a ridiculous price tag and make things so difficult, even when using a blood relative as a gestational carrier!

    • Thanks Dawn…praying that this is both of our years! Everything about gestational carrier is expensive and ridiculous but when it works out…I won’t care about the money and I hope that it will finally all make sense. Always thinking of you girly…lots of love to you in 2016 as well…xoxo

  15. Hello,

    I just started reading your blog and I must say I like your outlook on things for this year. My husband and I are getting started with this whole process, I’m starting to feel a little overwhelmed and we haven’t even had our first appointment yet. Reading about your experience is helping a little with that and I thank you for sharing.

    • Thanks Ebony. It is very overwhelming but just try to focus on one thing at a time. I’m glad you’re able to read my story and hopefully get some insight into the whole process. Best of luck to you and feel free to contact me with any questions…xoxo

  16. Yes!!! I’m so excited your sis got clearance, this is huge!! The lawyers, it sucks, it’s lame and almost doesn’t make sense but you know it’s worth it. I can’t wait to hear more … Ya know I’m here for you if you ever need to chat. Yes, again!!!

  17. Great update! Hoping to keep hearing good news. As annoying as the lawyers are, it’s in everyone’s best interest to have things clear and on paper… just so that everyone is on the same page. It’s hard not to mind the extra cost, but I agree that if (when!) it works it won’t matter. Good luck!!!

  18. Great news for you both! I hope that 2016 is THE year for you!!! Sorry to hear about your body! It’s a terrible thing when a disease makes us feel useless and our bodies miserable! Don’t let the pain eat away at you! Make peace with yourself and focus and positive on the future! Hope to be able to follow your example in the future! Stay strong ☺

  19. Hello and congrats!! We had twins born (from our embryos) through a gestational carrier in 2014 in WA state. A close friend did it for free for us but we too had to do the lawyer thing…however, I found some cheaper ways to do this. We found a contract online, modified it, and then hired a random (but real) lawyer to “sign it” and he charged us $500. The clinic accepted it with no questions. If you want more info email me πŸ™‚ It’s an amazing journey and your sister is awesome. hollybenson10@yahoo.com

    • Thank you so much Holly! I read your story and it inspired me to finally do this. I read what you went through and then the joy after your twins and I saw some light. That there is another way to bring my babies home safe in my arms. Thank you for sharing your story and I would love any info that you have that could help since you’ve been through it. My email is: dreamingofdiapers@hotmail.com Appreciate your advice and support…thank you!! xoxo

  20. What huge step! I’m so glad your sister’s surgery went well and you got the go-ahead. I feel like everything else will fall into place and you can be excited about this new direction!! Keeping you guys in my thoughts. xx

  21. Great update. I am very glad about the news. I am trying to get pregnant with my frozen embryos from March 2015. I got pregnant 3 times, but I did miscarriages all of them. There is some problem… I am not so sure whether I could have my baby or not.
    You made a brave decision.
    I really wish that you hold a baby with your both hands near future.

    Sending my love from Japan.

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