Month: January 2016

Just Say You’ll Wait For Me…..

till kingdom

Almost exactly two years ago…this was in my post:

January 25, 2014

IVF #2-Yay! 6 blastocysts vitrified!

Now, I need my lining to cooperate. It’s never been above a 6….and that was pushing it…it’s always more like a 5.

I’ll be taking this month of Feb off to let my body rest and see how my cycle naturally goes (lining wise) and then use ALL of the big guns in March for an FET…at least that’s the plan 🙂

 

Well, that was the plan. At the beginning of 2014.

And we all know how “plans” go with infertility……out the window.

I really thought I would be able to grow my lining, like the 99% of women in the world.

But no.

I didn’t get it and since there was not much, at all, about chronic thin lining issues online…I was lost. And to be frank, I still am.

2 years later, 5 surgeries later, a failed IVF#3 later, a failed transfer later, 6+ cancelled FET’s later…….and here we are, January 2016, still waiting and praying for a safe place to put my embryos.

My embryos have been frozen for over 2 years. I worry about them. I worry that freezing them for too long will hurt them. I say hi to them every time I go to my clinic. I know where they are. Behind the door next to the waiting room. Tears form if I think too much about it…but I can only pray that they are safe and healthy and will be in a healthy uterus soon.

You see, because they are already my babies to me. I feel it in my gut that at least one of those blasts will become my baby. And my uterus is just incapable for some reason. I don’t know that reason but I’m ready to let go. It’s finally time to give my babies a chance…..

So this, this is a note to my frozen embryos:

I haven’t forgotten about you baby blasts. I’m going through the process of providing a safe home for you with your auntie for 9 months. And then a lifetime with me and your Daddy. I am going to make this happen, someway, somehow God willing. I know that He did not provide me with this love and devotion to become your Mom if it wasn’t in His will. I know you’ve been waiting, just please remember, I will come back for you. You are my children and I will give you a chance at life. I feel it’s our time now. I’ve been waiting all these years for you. Just please wait for me. It’s almost time. I promise.

Til Kingdom Come: Coldplay

One, two
Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I never felt this way before

The wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my hand inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you, I’d wait ’till kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say, you’ll come and set me free
Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait ’till kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
Say, you’ll come and set me free
Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say, you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

Giving Up On Getting Pregnant

Happiness-can-only-exist1

2016 is here.

If you read my last post, 2016 is my year of “Acceptance”. I know, it doesn’t sound too exciting but I have to say, a little relief has already come from that decision. I’m accepting what 2016 has in store for me good, bad or ugly….and I know I can handle it.

So what comes from that decision is also something that I wasn’t sure I could ever really “give up”. But I’m ready to say.

This year, I’m giving up on getting pregnant.

You see, I’ve never, ever been pregnant. Like ever. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of, just as many of you dream of or fortunately have achieved.

But it hasn’t happened for me….ever. And I’ve tried EVERYTHING. Well, everything legal in the USA. I would continue to try naturally, if I could as well, but I don’t have tubes so, I’ve done everything possible with the help of many RE’s….and it just hasn’t happened.

I don’t want to act like this isn’t a big deal. Because it is. It is huge. Most of you, even though some of you are still not pregnant will eventually become pregnant. I’m, unfortunately, a part of the extremely small group of women(less than 0.6%…yep, not even 1%) that have such chronically thin lining that it acts like it’s on birth control when it’s not…and a baby cannot survive in a lining that is 3mm thick.

It really comes down to this for me: Do I want to be pregnant? Or do I want to have my child brought into this world healthy and safe?

Obviously, it doesn’t even come close. I just want my embryos to have a chance at life. I feel it in my gut that one of my frozen embryos from January 2014, will be my baby or babies….and I cannot risk them on me. They are too precious to waste on my miserable uterus to continue to try on me. If you remember, I tried to get a couple of more blasts by doing a 3rd IVF cycle, but we were left with ZERO embryos, more debt and more heartache than I thought I could endure.

So I’m giving up on trying to get pregnant.

BUT

I am NOT giving up on my baby blasts.

And fortunately, we just received news that my beautiful sister’s surgery was successful and she’s been cleared to be our gestational carrier 🙂

Now, this is one small step. If you’ve ever looked into using a gestational carrier, it is beyond the most overwhelming thing possible…like ever. But, I have my sister….and that should make it so much easier….right?!

WRONG.

I swear, they almost make it harder because it’s someone you know and are related to. There are no breaks, at least in California, that they give you for using a relative.

For example, you would think, that since it’s my very own blood sister(who, God willing would be the child’s Aunt), that we wouldn’t really need a formal contract drawn up by a lawyer…at least that’s what I thought…..ummm..but nope. And that alone costs well over $6000+……and it’s my sister….and it makes me sick that after EVERYTHING we have already spent, that we have to now go and spend money on things like that….and that’s just one piece of this giant puzzle when you decide to use a gestational carrier.

But, if this ends up working. Or should I be really positive and say WHEN this ends up working.

I won’t care.

I won’t care about it all and I will thank God for the miracle that is born into this world.

I will be forever grateful to my amazing sister and I will pray that it will finally all make sense.

So, in short, I’m moving on. I’m done with my body, I’m over myself. Chapter closed for now.

But there’s also finally some good news folks. My sister’s uterus has healed….and we are now in business.

FINALLY some good news…let’s keep it going 2016…

We sure are off to a good start…..