2016-Arcus

That’s what has been on my mind lately.

What if next year isn’t any different than this year?

Last year, in 2014, I just knew that 2015 was going to be our year. I had a Project Dream 2015 plan.

But what if I’m sitting here in this same place next year….just like I have been for the past 4 years?

I asked myself that exact question……..And you know what?

I’d actually be o.k. with it.

What???? Yep, I said it….

Obviously, I’ve been able to get through every, other year. So why wouldn’t I be able to get through next year?

I’m so over giving myself expectations. I’m over my sadness when my expectations fall through. And lastly, I really dislike the way that I’ve been living my life….

Or should I say, NOT living my life.

I feel like I’ve been in a “holding pattern” for the past 4 years. Always thinking, next year will be different. Next year, I’ll be pregnant or next year, I’ll have a baby.

That one expectation of having a child, decides if I’m happy or not and I’ve decided….that’s not o.k.

I know it’s not healthy and I feel it.

I can honestly say….I don’t know what it feels like to be truly happy anymore.

I can fake happy. I can fake a smile. I can fake having fun.

But always in the back of my head, I’m missing the one thing that I feel will actually make me happy.

Having a child.

But will it?

Will having a child just magically change me from depression to happiness?

I guess I should ask those that have been through this nightmare of infertility:

Does your life change so much having a child after infertility that it digs you out of this deep depression??? Are you truly “happy” again finally becoming a Mom??

I want to be hopeful again. I want to have that feeling that I’m moving in the right direction.

I want to feel true happiness again.

But for now. I will accept this life I’ve been dealt.

I’ll accept the countless disappointments. I’ll accept all of the failed IVF and FET cycles. I’ll accept living child-free for now. I’ll accept this nightmare called infertility.

And maybe by accepting all of this…..I won’t let myself down again.

I know what can happen.

And I’m o.k. and at peace with it all.

So as we go into this new year, 2016, I’m not feeling like it will be the “best year yet.” I’m not feeling like my life will change. I’m not feeling like I’ll finally be pregnant. I’m not feeling like, my child will be in my arms this time next year.

I’m just feeling at peace with accepting…..just this.

This time. This day. This year. This feeling.

It’s my life and I’ll accept and appreciate what I have….

And maybe one day…it will be different….or maybe it won’t….

But it’s still MY life…..the one I’ve been given and I’ll appreciate simply that…

So please be kind 2016…..I know I’m tough, you know I’m tough…but I could really use a break (along with some of my other sweet sisters)

Lots of love to all of my fellow followers….Cheers to 2016….blessings and peace to you ALL…..

xoxoxoxoxo

 

0 comment on And What If 2016 Isn’t Any Different Than 2015?

  1. It takes some of the sting away but I was so surprised at my continued jealousy and sadness when friends became pregnant and the stress that came when we talked about ttc #2. We’re trying now and I get what you mean about the holding pattern. It’s insane. I don’t want to drink NYE juuuussssttt in case our 8% chance worked. I hope you find lots of happiness in 2016 even if takes some time. Big hugs.

  2. I definitely hit a point where I had to decide what would make me happy without a child because that was a very real possibility. So I made a mental list….my hobbies, traveling, improving our home, enjoying time alone with my husband. I had to start to visualize that life to really move past some of the emptiness.

    This is my own personal opinion but if there is something else lurking that is hindering your happiness (like you hate your job, or don’t connect with your significant other or you are lonely) than a baby won’t magically make you happy.

    I wish you the best in 2016 and I am pulling for you and I hope you find peace with whatever comes your way in 2016.

  3. I remember feeling this exact same way.. I had enough of missing out on me. This is a beautiful post and taking back control is so hard. While I still pray for you regularly, I truly hope 2016 is different for you. Honestly, being pregnant took me out of the realm of constant disappointment time after time, cycle after cycle that you seem to get lost in. It took away the defeat, but honestly? The defeat is still there. I still struggle, it just feels a bit different. I’m happy, yet terrified. I don’t think you can ever not feel the impacts of infertility and I truly believe happiness is a conscience effort everyday for most people. Wishing you a Happy New Year and lots of love. You’ll continue to be on my mind and in my prayers. 💜

    • Thanks S….constant disappointment is just tough as you know. You’ve been there. I just don’t know if having a child, whenever that eventually happens, will make me truly happy. I know it will be bring happiness but I am LOW right now. So I need to make sure to take care of myself so I don’t fall too much farther down the depression hole. Getting so excited for you and sweet baby N….I honestly feel like I’m going to be an Aunt again 🙂 I MUST come and visit her(and you!!) when we are near your area…not sure when that will be but you’ll be the first to know…xoxo

    • Thanks MPB! As you know, it’s just all so tough. And when it continues to be tough…it’s like I’m waiving this white flag…give me a break please! I’m thrilled to read about your update….yipeee! Now, I hope all just goes as planned. No delays, no changes, no issues….just normal steps to be taken to have your little boy in your arms. So exciting!!! xoxo

  4. What a beautifully honest post. It seems like you’re coming to terms with it, and that’s ok. I hope 2016 is better than last year but even if it’s not, I know you’ll get through it.

  5. Cheers, girlfriend! Glad to hear you’ve got your head screwed on straight to kick off 2016. Let’s just hope it doesn’t require quite the same amount of patience as the last.

  6. My daughter is almost a year old and I’m still bearing the scars of infertility. She is wonderful and heals me and I adore her, but infertility crushed my soul in so many ways. And I am glad I fought so hard for contentment in the midst of it, because motherhood is not perfect! I am exhausted and anxious and feel pulled in a million directions. It is wonderful but not perfect!

    So, it is good that you are realizing that you can get through another year. It is good to fight to be happy now. And when you get your miracle it will be beautiful and healing but you will still be you, the you who fought and hurt and pushed beyond all the boundaries to get to where you are.

    • Thanks Rebecca. I remember when you were struggling to bring your daughter into this world. It is nice to hear from some that have “made it to the other side”. Year after year, I just keep believing that somehow it will happen. And i’ll just keep believing that in 2016 too..thanks..xoxo

  7. I just found your blog, and read your first post. I’m hooked – you are a beautiful and honest writer. I hope that 2016 brings you the joy, peace and comfort you are well due and deserving of!!
    I read with interest your question about would you be a happier person if you had a child. I thought this was super insightful of you to consider this and also to realize that having a baby isn’t a cure-all. It brings you the joy of this dream being realized but your wounds and new ways of thinking, feeling and viewing the world aren’t the pre-infertility you. I didn’t have this clarity while we struggled and cycled for years before having our child. She is now almost 3, and while yes – the greatest – making it through the pregnancy and her birth did not fix or heal the broken person I had become thanks to infertility. We still see a fertility counsellor, I still mourn or resent lost friend and family relationships of those who could not or would not recognize or empathize with our struggle, and I still face the career consequences of what years of cycling meant for me and my husband not living near a clinic or having insurance coverage. My new emotional, physical, financial and logistical normal over years became a new person despite my best efforts.
    Our journey and sticking with it was so worth it! But, this marathon is a life changer. I see you already advocating for yourself and considering aspects of yourself in such an impressive way. I think I’d have been in a better place had I self-talked the way you do. Working on these aspects and perspectives as you wait your turn to be a Mom can only give you your greatest chance for health, happiness and success in every way.
    Fingers crossed for great things to come to those who wait!

    • Thanks Julia…appreciate your kind words. This struggle is one of the toughest…especially because it comes so easy and without any afterthought for most. Congrats on your 3 yr old…what a little miracle 🙂 I can only pray that some day I’m in your shoes too…thank you again for your support..xoxo

  8. I love this post. I love that you’re being honest and I love that you’re feeling at peace and accepting of how your life is at this moment. It’s a hard thing to do, living in the present instead of the past or the future, but I think it’s a very important thing to do to be able to have happiness. Hoping and praying that 2016 is good to you! Big hugs and lots of love being sent your way!

  9. You’ve really hit the nail on the head with this post. I’m not quite there yet but I want to be at peace with the status quo as well. That being said, I’ll be hoping that this year brings you everything you hoped for. xx

    • Thanks a bunch…to be honest…I’m not 100% there yet…but I have an entire year to get there…right?! 🙂 All we can do is keep on believing in our dream …and that’s what I’ll do 🙂 xoxo

  10. Thank you for putting into words what hit me this holiday season… Knowing we’re not alone and that what we feel is not strange or ridiculous really does make a difference. This time I finally understood I’ve been making the wrong wish year after year so it dawned on me: I wish to accept and be comfortable with whatever 2016 brings me. So that’s what I wish for you too 😉

  11. Hope you get that break. I want to encourage people for the new year but I don’t want to add any anxiety buy hyping expectations or phoning in hope. Just hope people find the strength, peace, and comfort they seek.

  12. Wow. What a strong place to be at the beginning of a new year. I envy your attitude and wish I could emulate it. I’m totally “counting on” 2016 for being “my year,” despite knowing how detrimental that could be for my mental health. I’m relatively “new” to the TTC journey (16 months), and I am just starting my first IVF cycle this month, so perhaps I’m still just full of ideals. Regardless, your mindset seems so healthy, and I commend you for it. Happy 2016!

  13. Thank you for your post. These are my thoughts too. I am not doing the things I would normally do, because I might be pregnant or might get pregnant. I need to start living for me again, and experience each day as it comes.
    My current struggle is do I sign back up for roller derby? I have changed a lot about my life, to match a scenario where I am pregnant. I love to skate, but a full contact sport can’t be played by a pregnant lady. I love to bartend, but a mother doesn’t bar tend. So for the past year, I haven’t been doing my passion, what makes me so happy! Also I started a 9-5 and I absolutely hate it. I love the socializing of bar tending, and I am great at it. I have been holding myself back. Not in 2016
    Thanks for the inspiration! Best of the new year to you!

  14. Today, instead of being productive at work I read your blog. I read your entire blog. I work as a hospital chaplain. Specifically I work on the OB/Peds unit. Some days it is real tough. Some days I visit women who accidently got pregnant, women who are on drugs and have all kinds of social issues. And here I am doing everything right and not pregnant. Today my GYN called to tell me my hormone levels were all off which might be a cause of the problems I am having so we are starting a new medication. Today I read every word you have pour into your blog and at times I cried along with you and felt a slice of your pain. Thank you for your honest words. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

  15. I feel ya. It is different trying for a second. There is a greater sense that we will be okay if we don’t have another. The limbo is still brutal.

    2016 – to the year we live, and medicate, but live.

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