If you remember in one of my past posts, I talked about how my angel of a sister offered to be our gestational surrogate. Unfortunately, her uterus did not look good.

Can you believe that?

Not only do I have a shit uterus, so does my sister? I mean, really?? How is this even possible? She’s had two babies, easily, everything should be fine…

But it wasn’t and my RE recommended an operative hysteroscopy.

Her lining was very thick…yes….the exact OPPOSITE of mine. Unbelievable. And it wasn’t just a little thick. It was extremely thick while she was on birth control…which is scary.

So she needed a biopsy to make sure it wasn’t cancer. How sickening.

Back in Sept., they did the biopsy…and let me tell you, I was worried.

But thank God……it wasn’t cancerous.

But she STILL had too thick of lining and some bumps in her uterus. Not a good sign.

Cue heartbreak.

Not only for my hope of being able to finally have a place to put my embryos but for my sweet sister and this new diagnosis.

Her gynecologist wasn’t concerned(since the biopsy came back normal) so she said she really didn’t need it, unless she wanted to have more children. Well, she doesn’t want anymore children, she has two, but I want a child………and for her to possibly carry our child, she needed to have it done. One more, unexpected out-of-pocket expense and one more time being told…..I needed to wait…and keep waiting for my babies.

So a few weeks ago, she had her very first operation, an operative hysteroscopy…..

All because of me.

Yes, she has had two babies before but she has never been put under anesthesia for any type of surgery.

And she didn’t have to……..but she did it for me.

She’s hurting because of me.

I can’t tell you how horrible I feel. I don’t want her to go through ANY of this. I don’t understand why it ALL has to be so hard.

I just want a baby.

Just like most of you reading this.

Something that most people don’t even have to think about “trying” to make happen.

Most people get to have sex to create life. So simple. So fun.

The exact opposite of what we’ve been doing for the past 3 years.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thankful that we live in a time that all of these opportunities exist. I am thankful I was born when I was…in 1977, one year before the very first IVF baby was born.

But my sweet sister? Why after her being able to have 2 children so easily, is now faced with problems?

I can’t help but feel a dark cloud surrounds me and my way to having a baby….and if you get too close to me…you might get sucked in too.

Am I delusional?ย Probably. Am I exhausted with “finding a way to carry a baby”? Yes. Am I almost at my breaking point? Yes, I think I’m over my breaking point.

But if you’ve been faced with all of these issues…you might just be too.

It is miserable.

Who thinks growing up they would have trouble having a child? Then navigating fertility treatments, and none of that works, then IUIs, then IVF’s, then FET’s, then accepting surrogacy….and all for naught…..

How much can one take?

If you ask me…..more than I could have ever imagined.

I think that’s why we don’t know our “future”.

If I would have seen this “plan” laid out for me years ago….I might have just run away.

It’s all too overwhelming.

And now, my innocent sister is involved.

And it makes me feel that much worse.

But she is my strength in this all.

She smiles for me. She’s positive.

She is my light at this end of this miserable tunnel.

She will save me from myself.

She says it will be all right.

I just hope she is right.

thank-you-for-being-the-best-sister-ever-2

 

 

32 Comments on She’s Hurting Because Of Me

  1. I really feel like your sister will be able to carry your baby, uterine problems and all. Just imagine how many women probably have minor uterine flaws but never find out because they get pregnant? Anyway, I’m sorry you both have to go through this. I hope it’s just another bump in the road that will ultimately bring you to your baby. Hugs!!

    • Thanks journeyformybaby, I really hope she can carry our child. Just don’t understand all of these hurdles. Maybe one day I will…and maybe I never will but I’ve got to keep trudging along. It’s my only dream..to be a Mom…and I can’t let it go…no matter how hard it is to get there…thanks for your support..xo

      • I understand. Being a mom was a huge dream for my life as well.

        I did want to say, I’m sure your sister is happy to do these things for you if she can help you have the baby you so desire. Try not to hold onto guilt about it. It’s not your fault she’s hurting, she’s choosing to do this for you. She will be rewarded for her pain by being such a vital part of her niece or nephews life, God willing. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I agree A. There are times when I am focused on that…and then(as you very well know) life throws you curve balls. We’ve been talking about this for over a year. You would think, since it’s my own sister, it would be easy. It is not at all. The gestational carrier process sucks. And this extra curve ball just put me over the edge and questioning it all…and in turn, feeling bad for what I’m putting her through. I do agree though, it is filled with SO much love. She reminds me of that too….thank you for your support and for always being there…xo

      • I do remember taking for granted that it would be an easy thing to give up (gestation as opposed to genetics) until it looked like I might actually be in that position, and then I felt myself grieve hard for pregnancy, so, yeah. One breath at a time <3

  2. Your sister sounds pretty amazing, but it’s really no surprise if she’s related to you. I’m sure she doesn’t want you to hurt anymore, which is so loving. My sister knew about our struggle all along and never once volunteered to help in anyway.. in fact she pretended (and still does) that we never had a problem. The fact that your sister is volunteering says so much about the kind of person she is and I’m so happy you have her in your life. Praying for you.. xoxo

    • S…you are too sweet….thank you so much. I know that I am extremely blessed to have a sister like mine. I honestly don’t know what we would do if she didn’t offer. An agency was out of the question due to cost but this is more than appreciated. I guess I just need to trust the process and pray that, in the end, I’ll have our baby in my arms….that would make every second of this worth it….so I’ll wait for that day…love to you and little N…xoxo

  3. You sister sounds just as amazing as you! You two, you are both amazing ladies. I am so glad you have such an amazing person in your life, everyone should have someone just like her! And as for your guilt, I get why you feel guilty. But, when you feel guilty I encourage you to try to remember that she is making this choice and it’s all about love. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thank you MPB! You are too kind ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m glad you understand my guilt a bit…it’s probably hard for many but you get it. You are right though, she is doing this out of pure love…and I must remind myself of that daily. Now, I hope she heals well enough to be considered again as my surrogate…thanks for always being there….always thinking of you and praying for you to be matched and make your way down here to CA ๐Ÿ™‚ xoxo

  4. Cant things ever just go smoothly!?! Geesh. You need a break. I cant say I understand exactly what you are dealing with, but I can say that I am so happy you have someone as special in your life as your sister to walk this journey with you. Im sure you would do the same for her. Much love to you both โค๏ธ

    • Thank you SI…I appreciate the “need a break” part…gees…right?! I don’t get it at all…once I accept one thing….it keeps me waiting….and waiting. I appreciate my sister so much and understand how lucky I am to have her…just these constant roadblocks bother me…appreciate your support and love…back at you…xoxo

  5. Honestly, I was about to type “Hang in there…..” Blah, blah, blu-blah, blah, blah…..!

    And we must! As much as I imagine “running away”, driving my car until I run out of gas and then just getting out and wandering off, moving to the beach at Mexico (with what money),…. We must hang in there!

    We don’t know our future! But we do know the fight is right now!….The fight to remain sane, the fight to remain some sort of “normal” existence, the fight to be positive as much as possible!

    Just know that you are not alone in this fight! I was born in ’75 so you have a “Big Sister” right there with you! Lots of love comes with this message….
    Sara

    • Thank you Big Sis Sara ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you for understanding…but I’m exhausted from fighting….I’m trying to hang in there…i know I will but gosh…I just need a time out…a little break from the constant struggle and disappointment. Appreciate your support…lots of love back at you…xoxo

      • I don’t talk to many people about this stuff so you and your followers know more about this part of my life than some of my closest friends and family.

        Last December we went through IVF and it was a BFN….
        Okay, we pulled ourselves up and kept moving.
        In the summer we took a much needed short trip. We came home to find out we were naturally pregnant and had NO idea! It was so weird! It was SO amazing! It was SURREAL! And then it happened: we went for our first dr appointment and he was so skeptical. The next day we found out the fetus might not be developing or alive. A few days later we found out it true…we lost the baby we were waiting for, and barely thought we might be having. We were 8 weeks along when I miscarried.

        That was a few months ago….and I’m hanging on somehow! My husband and our faith keep me moving forward while I have those thoughts I admitted to before: just keep driving and see how far you get, or just take your sweet husband and run away to some small beach village! Yeah…..right!

        I know your tired….exhausted!!!!! And we need a break from the reality and struggle!!!!!!! I am with you 100%!!!!!!!!!!

        One day in the not so distant future I hope and pray we meet, face to face with babies in our arms!!!!!!!!! It just might happen!!!!!!!!!

  6. Your sister is amazing and so are you!! Sisters would only do such a thing out of complete love and out of their own will, you have to remember that – try your hardest not to feel guilty whatsoever. Go with the process, there will be so many more steps to come but I have such a good feeling. And you know, I am rooting so hard over here for you!! Sending big hugs!

    • Thanks D….right back at you! I’ve been thinking of you SO much…hope all is wonderful. I’m trying to focus on the positive..I have an amazing sister that is offering this gift…it’s just SO tough…I know you get it all…like ALL. Appreciate your constant support…must get together in the new year…xoxo

  7. I’m sorry that things have been so hard, especially after choosing the surrogacy path. I know it feels like things should start falling into place once you have made this massive sacrifice– I felt the same way. Unfortunately, it can still be a rough journey at times. But, I am so grateful you have this amazing sister who is not only willing to carry for you but also going through this operation in order to do so. She is wonderful, and you are SO strong. It is absolutely incredible what you the two of you (and your families) are coming together to do. It is so special. Not easy, but special. I will be hoping that your sister heals up quickly so that you all can keep moving forward! <3

  8. Aww I am sorry your sister is having to go through all of this. I am sure she loves you and is willing to do this for you. Praying she continues to heal and you are able to move forward.

  9. You’re very lucky to have such an amazing sister! But then I’m sure you are just as wonderful a sister to her. I hope this is step one to you getting your baby. Xoxo

  10. Having three sisters myself let me just tell you that you are giving her such an amazing gift as well. I would carry a baby in a heartbeat for my sister ( if I wasn’t infertile I would honestly do it for you). I would consider it an honor and a privilege to help fulfill a deep desire and dream. While I know it is no cake walk- this is a beautiful road and story for both of you. I hope with all my heart it will happen.

  11. Both of you are amazing! I know it seems difficult now but it will definitely be worth it in the end. However it ends up. And the bond between you two will be unbreakable, even more so than it is now :).

  12. People say that things happen for a reason…but I can’t understand why you need to go through so much! What could possibly be the reason?? Sounds like you have an amazing, amazing sister and husband!! Hang in there! Often think of you…

  13. Feel for you! It’s very sad that she had to go thru ask this pain too. But clearly she loves you and understands your needs! What a great sis! Keep your head up!

  14. What a wonderful Sister and I’m glad that she is there still supporting you and loving you and being your light. Praying that the pain turns into such immense joy one day, that you both will be okay with all you’ve had to go through. Sending you much love and big hugs!!!

  15. This brought tears to my eyes. Your sister has such a big heart. U are right she doesn’t have to do any of this but her love for u is greater than anything else. I am glad u have such a wonderful caring sister in your life.

  16. While it is true that your sister is hurting because of you, that is not a bad thing. It shows that she cares enough about you to put herself through it so that she can help you achieve your dreams. That is amazing! Do not try to blame yourself or think that you are being followed by a dark cloud. Your sister wanted to help you. It is a good thing she found out about her condition, because what if she did later want to have more kids? Now she knows. I am excited for you that she is getting her body ready to help you achieve your dreams. Good luck to you and quick recovery to your sister!

  17. I’m sure whatever physical pain the procedure causes her is nothing compared to the heartache she feels for you. She’s sounds like the type of person who would be honored to endure physical pain if it means lessening the emotional pain of her loved one. I have my fingers and toes crossed that this procedure is a success and creates a perfect home for your embabies

  18. You are lucky to have such an amazing sister, let me start with that. Got to count your blessings every step of the way ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m so happy I found your blog. I’ve been actively dealing with a thin lining for too long now. Every time my lining hits the 4 mm mark it decides it’s time to shed, I get heavy break through bleeding, no ovulation, and I’m back down to 3 mm or less. My dr keeps telling me it’s unrelated to bc but I’ve been convinced otherwise, after being on the pill for over 5 years, and I’m glad to see I’m not crazy.

    I wish I can go back in time and never have gone on the pill but now that I’m dealing with this issue and trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel I’m just hoping it’s not 3 years down the road.

    Thank you for sharing all this info, it’s very helpful and very comforting to know there’s others out dealing with the same crap

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