That’s what has been on my mind lately.
What if next year isn’t any different than this year?
Last year, in 2014, I just knew that 2015 was going to be our year. I had a Project Dream 2015 plan.
But what if I’m sitting here in this same place next year….just like I have been for the past 4 years?
I asked myself that exact question……..And you know what?
I’d actually be o.k. with it.
What???? Yep, I said it….
Obviously, I’ve been able to get through every, other year. So why wouldn’t I be able to get through next year?
I’m so over giving myself expectations. I’m over my sadness when my expectations fall through. And lastly, I really dislike the way that I’ve been living my life….
Or should I say, NOT living my life.
I feel like I’ve been in a “holding pattern” for the past 4 years. Always thinking, next year will be different. Next year, I’ll be pregnant or next year, I’ll have a baby.
That one expectation of having a child, decides if I’m happy or not and I’ve decided….that’s not o.k.
I know it’s not healthy and I feel it.
I can honestly say….I don’t know what it feels like to be truly happy anymore.
I can fake happy. I can fake a smile. I can fake having fun.
But always in the back of my head, I’m missing the one thing that I feel will actually make me happy.
Having a child.
But will it?
Will having a child just magically change me from depression to happiness?
I guess I should ask those that have been through this nightmare of infertility:
Does your life change so much having a child after infertility that it digs you out of this deep depression??? Are you truly “happy” again finally becoming a Mom??
I want to be hopeful again. I want to have that feeling that I’m moving in the right direction.
I want to feel true happiness again.
But for now. I will accept this life I’ve been dealt.
I’ll accept the countless disappointments. I’ll accept all of the failed IVF and FET cycles. I’ll accept living child-free for now. I’ll accept this nightmare called infertility.
And maybe by accepting all of this…..I won’t let myself down again.
I know what can happen.
And I’m o.k. and at peace with it all.
So as we go into this new year, 2016, I’m not feeling like it will be the “best year yet.” I’m not feeling like my life will change. I’m not feeling like I’ll finally be pregnant. I’m not feeling like, my child will be in my arms this time next year.
I’m just feeling at peace with accepting…..just this.
This time. This day. This year. This feeling.
It’s my life and I’ll accept and appreciate what I have….
And maybe one day…it will be different….or maybe it won’t….
But it’s still MY life…..the one I’ve been given and I’ll appreciate simply that…
So please be kind 2016…..I know I’m tough, you know I’m tough…but I could really use a break (along with some of my other sweet sisters)
Lots of love to all of my fellow followers….Cheers to 2016….blessings and peace to you ALL…..