Month: December 2015

And What If 2016 Isn’t Any Different Than 2015?

2016-Arcus

That’s what has been on my mind lately.

What if next year isn’t any different than this year?

Last year, in 2014, I just knew that 2015 was going to be our year. I had a Project Dream 2015 plan.

But what if I’m sitting here in this same place next year….just like I have been for the past 4 years?

I asked myself that exact question……..And you know what?

I’d actually be o.k. with it.

What???? Yep, I said it….

Obviously, I’ve been able to get through every, other year. So why wouldn’t I be able to get through next year?

I’m so over giving myself expectations. I’m over my sadness when my expectations fall through. And lastly, I really dislike the way that I’ve been living my life….

Or should I say, NOT living my life.

I feel like I’ve been in a “holding pattern” for the past 4 years. Always thinking, next year will be different. Next year, I’ll be pregnant or next year, I’ll have a baby.

That one expectation of having a child, decides if I’m happy or not and I’ve decided….that’s not o.k.

I know it’s not healthy and I feel it.

I can honestly say….I don’t know what it feels like to be truly happy anymore.

I can fake happy. I can fake a smile. I can fake having fun.

But always in the back of my head, I’m missing the one thing that I feel will actually make me happy.

Having a child.

But will it?

Will having a child just magically change me from depression to happiness?

I guess I should ask those that have been through this nightmare of infertility:

Does your life change so much having a child after infertility that it digs you out of this deep depression??? Are you truly “happy” again finally becoming a Mom??

I want to be hopeful again. I want to have that feeling that I’m moving in the right direction.

I want to feel true happiness again.

But for now. I will accept this life I’ve been dealt.

I’ll accept the countless disappointments. I’ll accept all of the failed IVF and FET cycles. I’ll accept living child-free for now. I’ll accept this nightmare called infertility.

And maybe by accepting all of this…..I won’t let myself down again.

I know what can happen.

And I’m o.k. and at peace with it all.

So as we go into this new year, 2016, I’m not feeling like it will be the “best year yet.” I’m not feeling like my life will change. I’m not feeling like I’ll finally be pregnant. I’m not feeling like, my child will be in my arms this time next year.

I’m just feeling at peace with accepting…..just this.

This time. This day. This year. This feeling.

It’s my life and I’ll accept and appreciate what I have….

And maybe one day…it will be different….or maybe it won’t….

But it’s still MY life…..the one I’ve been given and I’ll appreciate simply that…

So please be kind 2016…..I know I’m tough, you know I’m tough…but I could really use a break (along with some of my other sweet sisters)

Lots of love to all of my fellow followers….Cheers to 2016….blessings and peace to you ALL…..

xoxoxoxoxo

 

She’s Hurting Because Of Me

If you remember in one of my past posts, I talked about how my angel of a sister offered to be our gestational surrogate. Unfortunately, her uterus did not look good.

Can you believe that?

Not only do I have a shit uterus, so does my sister? I mean, really?? How is this even possible? She’s had two babies, easily, everything should be fine…

But it wasn’t and my RE recommended an operative hysteroscopy.

Her lining was very thick…yes….the exact OPPOSITE of mine. Unbelievable. And it wasn’t just a little thick. It was extremely thick while she was on birth control…which is scary.

So she needed a biopsy to make sure it wasn’t cancer. How sickening.

Back in Sept., they did the biopsy…and let me tell you, I was worried.

But thank God……it wasn’t cancerous.

But she STILL had too thick of lining and some bumps in her uterus. Not a good sign.

Cue heartbreak.

Not only for my hope of being able to finally have a place to put my embryos but for my sweet sister and this new diagnosis.

Her gynecologist wasn’t concerned(since the biopsy came back normal) so she said she really didn’t need it, unless she wanted to have more children. Well, she doesn’t want anymore children, she has two, but I want a child………and for her to possibly carry our child, she needed to have it done. One more, unexpected out-of-pocket expense and one more time being told…..I needed to wait…and keep waiting for my babies.

So a few weeks ago, she had her very first operation, an operative hysteroscopy…..

All because of me.

Yes, she has had two babies before but she has never been put under anesthesia for any type of surgery.

And she didn’t have to……..but she did it for me.

She’s hurting because of me.

I can’t tell you how horrible I feel. I don’t want her to go through ANY of this. I don’t understand why it ALL has to be so hard.

I just want a baby.

Just like most of you reading this.

Something that most people don’t even have to think about “trying” to make happen.

Most people get to have sex to create life. So simple. So fun.

The exact opposite of what we’ve been doing for the past 3 years.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thankful that we live in a time that all of these opportunities exist. I am thankful I was born when I was…in 1977, one year before the very first IVF baby was born.

But my sweet sister? Why after her being able to have 2 children so easily, is now faced with problems?

I can’t help but feel a dark cloud surrounds me and my way to having a baby….and if you get too close to me…you might get sucked in too.

Am I delusional?┬áProbably. Am I exhausted with “finding a way to carry a baby”? Yes. Am I almost at my breaking point? Yes, I think I’m over my breaking point.

But if you’ve been faced with all of these issues…you might just be too.

It is miserable.

Who thinks growing up they would have trouble having a child? Then navigating fertility treatments, and none of that works, then IUIs, then IVF’s, then FET’s, then accepting surrogacy….and all for naught…..

How much can one take?

If you ask me…..more than I could have ever imagined.

I think that’s why we don’t know our “future”.

If I would have seen this “plan” laid out for me years ago….I might have just run away.

It’s all too overwhelming.

And now, my innocent sister is involved.

And it makes me feel that much worse.

But she is my strength in this all.

She smiles for me. She’s positive.

She is my light at this end of this miserable tunnel.

She will save me from myself.

She says it will be all right.

I just hope she is right.

thank-you-for-being-the-best-sister-ever-2