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(First, let me start off by saying this will not be a “Pro Life” or “Pro Choice” post. I respect everyone’s personal opinions…and let’s leave it at that.)

There are so many things that I don’t understand in this world.ย You can only try to learn so much, understand so much and accept so much.

Then there are things that happen that I might never understand.

Let me give you the backstory:

2 friends, 2 years ago, one was in the throes battling infertility(me) and the other was dating and had just signed up for a new dating app, Tinder(N). She would talk to me about all of her dating adventures…honestly, they made me laugh. It was entertaining and she was having fun but I knew she wanted to settle down…actually, she was kind of desperate to settle down. She was 33 and thinking about having a baby….but she still needed to find the right guy.

I, on the other hand, had already found the right guy ๐Ÿ™‚ I was married and would tell her stories about trying to have a baby. I had just accepted the fact that my husband and I might not ever have a child without medical intervention and we took the giant leap to go through IVF #1 in November 2013. As many of us know, going through your first IVF cycle…everything is overwhelming. You try to prepare yourself, but the outcome is never known. You can have 30 eggs retrieved and have 0 blastocysts. Or you can have 1 egg retrieved and have 1 blastocyst that becomes your child. We had 5 eggs retrieved. Unfortunately, November 2013 wasn’t our time and, as you all know, I am still struggling to bring our child into this world.

N, continued dating and having fun but no one was really serious. She started dating this one guy but it fizzled after about 2 months. Then I stopped hearing from her. I would text and just get some short answers. Sometimes that happens with friends if they are busy with a work project or something so I wasn’t too concerned.

Until I heard through the grapevine that she was pregnant.

(cue heart break and gut punch)

She got pregnant by the guy she dated on Tinder for 2 months. One of those months….she got pregnant.

But as quickly as she was pregnant….she wasn’t.

She decided to have an abortion.

And it was gone.

The ONE miracle that I pray for everyday, was her nightmare that she prayed against that day.

“How can one person’s only dream be another’s nightmare?”

That is the one question I don’t think anyone can answer.

I was numb. I couldn’t believe it and honestly, still have a hard time thinking about that time in my life. 2 years ago.

But as we all know, as time goes by, you heal. I healed. She healed.

Very soon after, she met a wonderful guy. I knew he was the one for her.ย And just this past July 2015, they got married. It was a beautiful wedding and love was in the air.

Now we are here, November 2015, 4 months after they got married and she just announced this week, they are pregnant. 3 months along.

And once again, I feel a punch to the gut. Somehow bigger than the first.

And numbness ensues. Not many tears. Just unfeeling numbness.

I then dared to ask the question to God…I tried not to…but I couldn’t control myself.

“Why God, why does she get the blessing of a child when she had an abortion?!”

For a moment, my numbness turns to anger. I’m actually angry at God.

I usually don’t get angry at God, even for my situation.

But this?

It just doesn’t make sense. And I know, many of you will say, well, it doesn’t need to make sense to you. Fair enough. But can’t I still question it??

Like, WHY am I having to live through this? Why does it have to be MY friend that has an abortion and then gets pregnant again the second she wants to??

Will I ever understand?? No, I really don’t think so…and I need to accept that…

But it hurts….it hurts so much that I can’t even explain it.

Hurt after hurt. Disappointment after disappointment. Pregnancy and after pregnancy.

How much can one person take? I’m only human…and I must remember that.

This song gets me…..Human by Christina Perri:

I know you’ve heard it before…but it makes so much sense to me today.

“I can take so much, til I’ve had enough

Cuz, I’m only human.”

I mentioned in my last post how I dislike the way I feel…jealousy, hurt, forgotten.

But I must remind myself…I’m only human. And it’s o.k. to feel that way.

Let’s give ourselves a break today.

Because we are ALL only human.

And let’s not forget that.

 

 

 

 

 

53 Comments on But She Had An Abortion

  1. That’s so tough, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that! Totally understand how you’re feeling, and you’re right….it’s all just so unfair! I remember the jealousy, while I was going through infertility….and most days it just ate me up, I really don’t know how to overcome it….I wish I did, so I could help you. Just know that I’m thinking of you during this difficult time.

    • Thanks Jen….yes, the jealousy is tough…especially in situations like this where she had a chance to be a mother and disregarded it…and then got another chance so quickly…blows my mind. Appreciate your thoughts and congrats again to you and your baby girl on the way…so happy for my IF sisters when they get their prayers answered! xoxo

  2. Thank you for that! I just finished reading an article about a woman killing her 5 month old and tough ‘Why?! Why was she blessed with a child, only to take it’s life? When I want one SO badly.’ I decided to stop myself from that madness and visit the IF blogs I follow – this was the first I came too. We are only human and we are allowed to feel all the feelings and have questions. So again, thank you!

  3. i get it. after each failed transfer i was filled with such anger, not towards God, but towards anyone I knew who had a baby via “natural” means. regular old intercourse. why do they get to just have sex and have babies and i am jumping through hoops and get nowhere? like you said, you are only human. you can’t help but to question. i don’t know what the answer is. i just tell myself that my situation is different. that maybe God has another plan for me and my husband. i can’t compare my life to someone else’s and God granting them a child doesn’ t mean I won’t get one too.

    • Exactly Mrs. SFLB….I know in my heart I will have a child…I just have to keep reminding myself of that…it’s just in this waiting period..that continues to get longer year after year…then I start to question my belief. People that can just have sex and have a baby are SO lucky…they have no idea. And then, like this story I described….and abortion…then get pregnant immediately when she wants too…just doesn’t seem fair. but life isn’t fair and I’ll continue to believe that something wonderful is in store for me…in store for all of us battling infertility. Thanks for your support…we will get there…xoxo

  4. I read your post today and it brought me right back to the day I sat in an abortion clinic to terminate our much wanted and loved child. I sat there looking at women and couples who were there making the same choice for very different reasons. In that moment, I lost it I turned into a public pile of tears and couldn’t even breath between sobs (thankfully the clinic was supportive and moved us out of the general waiting room, they knew my circumstances were very unique). But, anyways, I’m sharing this because I understand and get your hurt and your questioning. I know I will always carry this with me, and struggle to understand and accept that our circumstances are so different. For me, a healthy pregnancy would be a dream come true, for others it was clearly their version of a nightmare. Everyone is unique, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair and it doesn’t mean we always have to be “okay” with that.
    These emotions, they are hard. But, as you say, we are only human.

    • Yes…MPB…I remember ๐Ÿ™ I was thinking of you when I was writing this…so tough. I could only imagine what you were feeling sitting there in the clinic. I don’t know why certain things happen and others don’t…and I guess we just have to keep living. I think we are both doing a pretty good job with everything we have been through(pat ourselves on our back ;)) I know things will be different for us both some day….and I’ll just keep believing that, that day will be here sooner than later…love to you as always…xoxo

  5. I am so sad and angry at this story too. It is so unfair. It is cruel, punishing and a living hell to have to constantly be reminded that our dreams go unfulfilled while those around us have theirs answered over and over. When I think about it I just go into a spiral of sadness and anger so most of the time I don’t. I just distance myself from other people’s stories and timelines and try to keep myself mentally in my own lane. I think one of the hardest phases in this IF journey is when you don’t have a clear path of hope. When you are in between actual treatment cycles or waiting to see how your body will respond or just got bad news that it didn’t. It is easier when you have a set path to hopeful success. Adoption waiting list, donor egg cycle or the start of a new drug protocol IVF cycle. Being on a path to your dreams makes it so much more bearable then sitting on the sidelines wondering why no one will let you in the game. I hope that in the near future you are given hope, you are given a path to your dream again. You a million times over deserve it. Until then- let yourself feel all these feelings and be kind to yourself. Hopefully you feel all of us giving you a big giant community hug.

    • Yes mamajo…it’s the in between that makes it that much harder….after you have done “it all”…numerous IVF cycles, numerous failed attempts….just that feeling of being lost and forgotten. I hope the near future brings us both our dreams to reality…just read your blog update(not sure how I missed it last week) but a HUGE hug for you…and like I said…If we lived close, I would bring the wine and we could both drink it and commiserate together…love to you..xoxo

  6. We have every right to ask that question, even if the answer evades us. Stay strong, keep fighting and keep your head held high. I love that song…I’ve cried quite a few tears to those lyrics. Love you my friend.

    • Oh Suz…that song brought me back to your post…and I remember how sad you were…now look at you ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m so thrilled that things have changed in so many wonderful ways for you…like I told you, it keeps me going ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m trying to stay strong but as you know…some days are easier than others….thank you for your support and love…love to you and your beautiful fam…xoxo

  7. Exactly! I can relate to every single word of this. It’s so gutting. It’s unfair. I was married before any of my friends… I should have been the first. Instead, whilst they were playing the field, I was shacked up. And the ones who then settled down over the years just had babies as soon as they decided they wanted them.

    One of my friends posted a pro choice thing on FB the other day and I let her have it. I said I don’t get why you are celebrating abortion. Terminating a child’s life is a sad thing, and yes – it’s a necessity sometimes, but it’s still really sad. She didn’t reply. She has two kids… She doesn’t have to consider stuff like this.

    Sometimes I want to shout at every one of my unthinking fertile friends. Life isn’t fair. I’m sorry that you and I and so many people are going through this, and that we have to remain silent… and that some of us will not achieve our dreams of having a child.

    • Thanks Nara…it’s all so tough right? I was married before a bunch of people that are now having their 2nd and 3rd children….just unreal. I just have to keep believing that there is some reason(no clue at the moment) but some reason why my child has to be born later than my friends. At the moment, I am sad though…and we are allowed to feel that way. Thinking of you..xoxo

      • I known I can really understand that. I have friends with multiple kids and I just think aaaaaah. I’ve taken to minimising them on FB to stop feeling bad about it. I’m sorry you are feeling sad. Thinking of you too xx

  8. I wrote a post about a similar subject. I felt ashamed and like I should ask forgiveness from the women who I smiled at, but secretly went home and was overcome with anger, jealousy and sadness because of them. It’s unfair to them and to us. But I will give you the advice that I received: don’t be so hard on yourself. You have a unique perspective on the situation, with unique feelings. And beating yourself up isn’t going to help you one little bit. I think you have a beautiful way of talking about your feelings and thank you for sharing you stories. Praying for you.

  9. This is just so tough friend. It’s impossible to be loving and free of jealousy and anger every single moment of your life. Let yourself feel. Sending love to you. <3

    • Thanks Isabelle! Very true…you understand all of this too…just want a break once in a while….lots of love sent to you too…so exciting what’s happening soon for you!! Thinking positive thoughts!! xoxo

  10. I felt the same way through my infertility. I’d read stories of ones like Emily Letts who got an abortion for a very casual reason (she wanted to try having one) and gloated about proud she was of it. Or another woman who wrote an article in cosmopolitan who went through infertility and managed to conceive and birth four children by IVF. Then got naturally pregnant with a fifth and aborted it because, as she put it, “I already had four snicker bars. I didn’t want a fifth”.

    And I couldn’t help but feel angry and resentful. I understand that sometimes abortion is a necessity, but to treat the miracle of life as nothing more than an “inconvenience” makes me steam.

    Deep down in a dark place I find myself wishing that they know what it feels like to want something you can’t have. I want them to suffer like I have. I know it’s awful to think that. But it’s like this monster inside that just wants to scream at them, “do you know what you had was precious? How could you treat it like it was nothing but trash? At least have the decency to be sad about it!”

    I don’t want to feel this way. But the feelings won’t go away because I wish them to anymore than the pain…

    • Yes, yes, and yes. I get all of this. Some people do not get it. Most people do not know the h*ll we have been through…and continue to go through. So much makes NO sense. And I just throw my hands up in the air…because I have no control…I try to..believe you me…but I don’t have any…and that’s probably the toughest part. Thinking of you…we’ve gotta get a break at some point…xoxo

      • The post I made has special significance now. When I posted that comment I was over four months pregnant with a very healthy and alive son. Then a strange pain began in my lower back and abdomen that got worse. By evening the next day my husband and I were rushing to our prenatal care specialist. By Thursday night the doctor discovered the horrifying news that my cervix was 2 cm dilated. I was likely to have a spontaneous abortion.

        We tried to hang on. I was admitted to the hospital with my back elevated and muscle relaxant given. I tried to hold in my happy and healthy son, but my cervix continued to open.

        I discovered that I had an incompetent cervix. If I had known and stitched it shut at week 12, the doctor is certain I would not have lost my son. He would still be in me.

        But now he’s gone. He was born and lived for twenty minutes. He was so beautiful and his heartbeat so strong. But it was too soon.

        Seeing what a four month old looks like, how human they look, I can’t understand anymore how any mother could choose to abort a child like that.

        But I hate that what happened to me is called an “abortion” at all. Pro-abortion people always go one about how it’s a choice. But I didn’t get a choice. There was no choice for me.

        Why should women who had no choice be lumped in with women who had a choice?

        I want my baby back. Not the urn in my home full of his ashes. It’s not fair.

      • I am so sorry to hear this alittlehope. Brought tears to my eyes for you ๐Ÿ™ You are not lumped into that group. You had no choice. It’s not fair. There’s nothing I can say to help but just know that I’m thinking of you and hoping for healing during this unbelievably tough time. xoxo

  11. A friend of mine got married at the same time I did (to a guy she hadn’t even told she had been married before!) and they got pregnant right away. She had 3 abortions in the past and 1 miscarriage. When she got pregnant, it was like an ice dagger through my heart. Hubby and I had just found out we were infertile and I was devastated – her marriage was built on lies, she had THREE abortions, and yet she gets pregnant the second she wants to? So devastating. I can relate so well to your post. If it helps – she had the baby at 24 weeks 1 day, and spent 6 months in the NICU. Her marriage fell apart shortly after and, as it turns out, this little miracle baby who survived the NICU has been a life changer for her. It made me realize that her life is hard too – just in different ways than mine.

    Sending good vibes to you, like someone already said – we can’t be not jealous, not angry and full of love all the time so let the feelings be felt.

    • Yes, I understand that…her life is tougher in different aspects. I guess we all have problems but when we try to do all of the “right” things and still have no control it’s maddening. Just must believe that something good will happen for us soon…just need a break once in a while…thinking of you..xoxo

  12. Girl, you are only human. I understand your every feeling that is attached to this – I have a similar story. Don’t ever worry about your thoughts, they are normal. It’s unfair, it’s almost like you just want to throw your self in a ball under a blanket. I’m sorry, so sorry! Well I’m here, I’ll be sending some extra love your way. The strength we’ve gained from the tribulations make us even more resilient. xx

    • Thanks love…ball up under a blanket is right?! We are beyond resilient I tell ya…both of us! Thinking of you and let me know when you want to meet up again..so much fun…miss you! Thinking of you…xoxo

  13. This post comes on the heals of a pregnancy announcement I’m struggling accepting too. It’s not fair it’s so easy for some. It’s just not and I will never understand a world where a woman who longs for a baby in her arms doesn’t get one, while someone who could care less does. Still praying for you nonstop. Sending so much love as always. I’m sorry.

    • I agree not fair. Tired of sugar coating it! I am responsible and can provide a great life for a child. Yet someone with no care like a high school kid gets pregnant and I gotta pay taxes to take care if it. Not fair, no one will pay for my treatments. Everything about this disease is not fair! I feel angry for all of us today!

    • Thanks Sondra…yep…just doesn’t make sense so often for me…I’m pretty much numb to it all. Two more people today had announcements and I didn’t bat an eye…just unfollowed on FB. I’m over it all(except for my beautiful IF friends that I WANT to see announcements from!!) So happy all is well with you and baby Nora…just amazing and can’t wait to see you holding her in your arms!! Love to you..xoxo

  14. We all feel this way at some point. It is so hard to understand why things happen, but we can’t spend our time and energy trying to figure that out. We are just exhausted dealing with the emotional rollercoaster. I am so sorry that things have been so bad lately. Trust me I am right there with you. We will get through it. We have been through HELL. I have to believe that we will make it through.

    • I know…it is beyond exhausting…and I try to push it away and not think about it…but then there are days like this…and I have to write a post about it. You are right. We will get through this…we have been through hell and we will make it through…thinking of you…xoxo

  15. Pregnancy announcements are always tough but under these circumstances it must be extra difficult. Even the fact that it happened so quickly and easily would sting a little (or a lot if you’re me). I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. Please don’t beat yourself up over feeling the way you do – it’s completely understandable. I appreciate your reminder that we’re all only human. I hope things start to look up for you soon.

    • Thanks Myriam…yes, it was really hard ๐Ÿ™ Trying not to feel too bad about it and hoping that I’ll get a break soon. We are only human and allowed to feel this way some days. Thank you for your support…xoxo

  16. It’s a situation you are angry at, not your friend, not God, just the unfairness of it all. I am surrounded by mums on a daily basis and have come to terms with it by thinking, this is my hand, it’s not a great one but I am strong enough to deal with it.

  17. Hi friend! It’s been so long. I was reading your blog this morning and just relating so much. And then this post absolutely struck me. How can one person’s miracle be another person’s nightmare? It’s amazing what perspective can do, right? All I know is that babies are a miracle — each and every one, wanted or not — and I pray and hope and believe that God will bless us with children as well. Praying for you this morning.

    • Hi Alexis! Yes…long time friend! I know…isn’t it true…How can one personโ€™s miracle be another personโ€™s nightmare?…right??? I do believe that God will bless us with children and I’ll keep believing it until it comes true for us both…thank you for your support and prayers…prayers to you as well….xoxo

  18. I completely understand why you’re angry. I’ve had similar things happen to me too. I am so bitter now about this experience because it’s simply not fair. It’s not that I want people to struggle like we do, but I wish they had a level of understanding and felt truly grateful for what they have rather than bitching and moaning about how tired they are, how expensive kids are etc.

    It does seem so unfair that those who abort a child because it is inconvenient get to just pick and choose when to have one. I’m not anti-abortion, and I don’t believe people should be burdened with guilt for the rest of their lives, but there do seem to be so many people that have had several abortions then when the time is ‘right’ have managed to get pregnant straight away.

    On a similar note, just the other week I found out that my friend is expecting a baby and his girlfriend’s 8 months pregnant. When we started trying they had only just met each other. If this wasn’t an accident (and I’m not sure how much I REALLY believe in ‘accidents’ when you’re an adult couple in your 30s), it certainly wasn’t a longed-for baby. Knowing my friend, while he’ll love the child, he’ll be quite resentful about giving up his bachelor lifestyle. The unfairness of it all makes me so angry.

    • Thanks flatwhitetogo…yes, just doesn’t seem right to me and it makes me bitter. Don’t like feeling this way though so I try…but some days are just better than others. I just gotta believe that some day things will change for us…we will get a break…thank you for your support and understanding…xoxo

  19. I stumbled upon your blog today doing a search for IVF. My wonderful husband and I will be going through our 2nd cycle early next year.

    Your words resonate with me, except my “N” is my sister. Her 1st oops pregnancy 9 years ago resulted in my beautiful twin nieces. She’s had a fre relationships since then, none really too serious and she’s had a total of 4 abortions. She got married June of this year and is now pregnant & due around the time IVF starts for me.

    I can’t really talk or be around her. I know it’s not her issues, that it’s me struggling with mine. I pass no judgement on the decisions she’s made & I still love her very much.

    But I’m only human…

    And my fragile heart space can only handle what it can at this time. I don’t feel guilty for my feelings either, but we are at such opposite sides of this fertility spectrum that I feel it’s best to love from afar.

    It sucks. But there are a countless number of us going through it too. It doesn’t make it suck any less, but it helps to know someone out there completely understands.

    Thank you for this post

    • Thanks A…yes..it is a struggle no matter what but it does make it a little tougher when it’s closer to home. Best of luck to you and your hubby on cycle #2….thank you for understanding and your support…xoxo

  20. Life is tough. We run a farm, we see life and death. I spent the better part of the year making half gallon bottles and feeding baby animals before the sun came up, rushing home from work to feed at night with my headlamp on. We are monitoring nutrition, administering medication, and helping deliver baby animals.
    Friends often tell us we should have kids, to help with all these chores. Yes we agree, but I am not going to go into detail every time explaining our circumstances. We had an ectopic pregnancy in May, I almost died, and I lost a tube. A week later a friend came to visit and told us she was pregnant! “Yay, but can’t you see I am really sad and can’t be happy for you right now?”
    My mom keeps inviting me to baby showers of cousins and family friends! I lost it finally… “Do not ever invite me to a baby shower again, I cannot go without falling apart! I am not ok!”
    I had to get off of FB it made me sad to see friends baby announcements and photos. I am more sad now, that I cannot be happy for them and remain selfish in my grief.
    We are still ttc. We are making a plan, and our plan may include fostering or adoption. We just need to have faith

    • I agree JennyMae…it’s so hard and like we are going to explain EVERYTHING every time makes no sense. I wish people would just “get it” sometimes….but they don’t. I’m def off FB…just makes it that much worse. Best of luck in your future TTC, adoption or foster….I have faith for you and me ๐Ÿ™‚ xoxo

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