4195f906f550fa3ac36b45ebd263fa46

(First, let me start off by saying this will not be a “Pro Life” or “Pro Choice” post. I respect everyone’s personal opinions…and let’s leave it at that.)

There are so many things that I don’t understand in this world. You can only try to learn so much, understand so much and accept so much.

Then there are things that happen that I might never understand.

Let me give you the backstory:

2 friends, 2 years ago, one was in the throes battling infertility(me) and the other was dating and had just signed up for a new dating app, Tinder(N). She would talk to me about all of her dating adventures…honestly, they made me laugh. It was entertaining and she was having fun but I knew she wanted to settle down…actually, she was kind of desperate to settle down. She was 33 and thinking about having a baby….but she still needed to find the right guy.

I, on the other hand, had already found the right guy 🙂 I was married and would tell her stories about trying to have a baby. I had just accepted the fact that my husband and I might not ever have a child without medical intervention and we took the giant leap to go through IVF #1 in November 2013. As many of us know, going through your first IVF cycle…everything is overwhelming. You try to prepare yourself, but the outcome is never known. You can have 30 eggs retrieved and have 0 blastocysts. Or you can have 1 egg retrieved and have 1 blastocyst that becomes your child. We had 5 eggs retrieved. Unfortunately, November 2013 wasn’t our time and, as you all know, I am still struggling to bring our child into this world.

N, continued dating and having fun but no one was really serious. She started dating this one guy but it fizzled after about 2 months. Then I stopped hearing from her. I would text and just get some short answers. Sometimes that happens with friends if they are busy with a work project or something so I wasn’t too concerned.

Until I heard through the grapevine that she was pregnant.

(cue heart break and gut punch)

She got pregnant by the guy she dated on Tinder for 2 months. One of those months….she got pregnant.

But as quickly as she was pregnant….she wasn’t.

She decided to have an abortion.

And it was gone.

The ONE miracle that I pray for everyday, was her nightmare that she prayed against that day.

“How can one person’s only dream be another’s nightmare?”

That is the one question I don’t think anyone can answer.

I was numb. I couldn’t believe it and honestly, still have a hard time thinking about that time in my life. 2 years ago.

But as we all know, as time goes by, you heal. I healed. She healed.

Very soon after, she met a wonderful guy. I knew he was the one for her. And just this past July 2015, they got married. It was a beautiful wedding and love was in the air.

Now we are here, November 2015, 4 months after they got married and she just announced this week, they are pregnant. 3 months along.

And once again, I feel a punch to the gut. Somehow bigger than the first.

And numbness ensues. Not many tears. Just unfeeling numbness.

I then dared to ask the question to God…I tried not to…but I couldn’t control myself.

“Why God, why does she get the blessing of a child when she had an abortion?!”

For a moment, my numbness turns to anger. I’m actually angry at God.

I usually don’t get angry at God, even for my situation.

But this?

It just doesn’t make sense. And I know, many of you will say, well, it doesn’t need to make sense to you. Fair enough. But can’t I still question it??

Like, WHY am I having to live through this? Why does it have to be MY friend that has an abortion and then gets pregnant again the second she wants to??

Will I ever understand?? No, I really don’t think so…and I need to accept that…

But it hurts….it hurts so much that I can’t even explain it.

Hurt after hurt. Disappointment after disappointment. Pregnancy and after pregnancy.

How much can one person take? I’m only human…and I must remember that.

This song gets me…..Human by Christina Perri:

I know you’ve heard it before…but it makes so much sense to me today.

“I can take so much, til I’ve had enough

Cuz, I’m only human.”

I mentioned in my last post how I dislike the way I feel…jealousy, hurt, forgotten.

But I must remind myself…I’m only human. And it’s o.k. to feel that way.

Let’s give ourselves a break today.

Because we are ALL only human.

And let’s not forget that.