birthday_cupcake

Birth.

Every day we celebrate it throughout the world.

Whether giving birth or celebrating the anniversaries of birth…”birth”days.

And yesterday happened to be my day.

I guess, for me, because it has been so hard for me to get pregnant and bring someone into this world on their “birth”day….I appreciate it that much more. I am so very thankful that it all fell into place for me to be here but it doesn’t come without some forethought as well.

Here I am. I turned 38 yesterday. Not 28…..38.

I honestly, cannot believe I am still here trying to have a child. Not my second or my third. My very first child. Tears start forming in my eyes as I type this…but it is so true. I never, ever imagined being here, childless, helpless, confused and getting older by the minute. I’ve recently read some other bloggers sad that they are turning 29 or 30 and how depressed they are that their fertility is slipping away from them…wow…

So where does that leave me? I’m pushing 40 folks and I have no control over it. I’ve tried to control it. I tried having a baby literally the second I got married…at 34….almost 4 years ago. I thought I was safe. I thought I would be like everyone else and get pregnant when I wanted to. And then it didn’t happen. And not only did it not happen when I wanted it to…I don’t know if it will ever happen. According to my Dr.’s, it won’t ever happen…and if it miraculously happens, I would be at risk, the baby would be at risk and all the joy and utter excitement of having a child would be taken from me…just as it has been these past 4 years.

So am I in a lose, lose situation?

I tried swallowing that hard fact that I may never be able to carry my child. A hard acceptance as it is, moving onto using a gestational carrier. I was blessed beyond words to have my wonderful sister offer to carry for us…more than many have as an option. And once again, I was faced with the sobering news of disappointment…her uterus did not look normal on the ultrasound or sonohystogram and she would need to have an operative hysteroscopy. She won’t be able to carry for us at this time.

Talk about gutted. Shot down once again.

I feel boxed in a corner. I feel helpless. I feel anxious. I feel like I’m being punished for something I did. I also feel….

Jealous.

I’ll admit it…I am jealous. I hate that I feel this way….and I’ve always tried to live my life to be thankful for what I have and not covet what others have.

I’m jealous of so much these days. I’m even jealous of other infertile women because they: have 2 ovaries, because they actually have tubes and can try “naturally”, a normal lining thickness, because they are 28, because they only had to go through 1 IVF cycle…how sick is that?? I’m jealous of women who “only” had to go through 1 IVF cycle…even “only” 2 IVF cycles….insane.

Is that what it’s come to? Me being jealous of what others see as their “nightmare”..having to go through IVF?

Why does it all have to be SO hard…I just don’t get it. I’ve tried to understand it. I’ve tried to follow the signs. I’ve tried to listen to the Dr.’s. I’ve then ignored the Dr.’s.

I’ve prayed…and I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed.

And I’m still here. With eyes of jealousy….that I truly despise.

I don’t like myself right now. My jealous, 38 year old self.

Yuck.

I apologize for the whining….and on my birthday…lovely.

But I don’t hold it back from you all…I never have and I never will…this is the unedited truth and it needs to be told too.

Every infertility hardship doesn’t always end in ultrasound printouts, cute baby bump pics and clever birth announcements.

That needs to be said.

It needs to be said for other women like me, struggling to simply walk outside fearing a run-in with a pregnant women, or dodging numerous baby strollers on my way to work or just logging onto Facebook.

This post is for other women, turning another year older, sitting at your computer or on your phone reading this, wondering if your dream of having a child is simply just that….only a dream and questioning if you will ever see that child’s face you’ve pictured in your head as your own.

So, this birthday wish is for us all.

I’ll wish for what I do every year because I can dream that one day it will all come true.

That I’ll be holding my child in my arms on my next birthday.

I’ve wished for that every…single…..year these past 4 years.

I thought…, 2012 is the year, then definitely by 2013. Then it turned to 2014. Then 2015…now it’s 2016.

So, I’m 38 and it will be 2016…and I am wishing, once again for that dream to come true.

I pray that I get pregnant and deliver my healthy child in 2016

Please Lord, hear my prayer.

Blowing out my candles, that’s my only wish….To have my child in my arms next year at this time.

So simple for most…yet unbearably complex for a few.

That’s all I want though.

And every birthday, I will continue to make that same wish…

Until it comes true.

Here’s to 38 and wishes finally coming true.

(and a champagne cheers to you all..because we can…xo)

 

 

 

0 comment on Celebrating Your Day Of Birth

  1. My friend, your honesty and your compassion all at one are amazing and inspirational. I’m with you, sometimes I too am jealous and envious and I despise those feelings. I hate thinking if only I could have had normal IF then trying IVF would have been worth it and maybe worked. I hate thinking why are we not being chosen by a birth family, when others are, what’s wrong with us? I hate thinking it took that person 10 pregnancies to get one birth, maybe we didn’t try hard enough. I hate the self-doubt, the heart ache and just everything about the personal struggle we’ve had. And, probably more then anything, I hate knowing that we are not the only ones. There are so many women/couples out there that are just like you and I. We watch the years pass, we watch happy celebrations and we just hope one day to have our own and yet we know the odds are stacked against us.
    I wish I had words of comfort. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could say more then happy birthday and I hope you dreams come true this year and not feel a sense of sorrow knowing that this birthday also marks the end of another unsuccessful year and that you are watching yet another year pass by. I’m just so sorry and just want to wrap you up in a giant hug. Sending you love my friend.

    • Thank you MPB…I feel like such a complainer today 🙁 Really don’t like that but truly appreciate your love and support(as always 🙂 I think there’s only so much you can take being your own cheerleader when..no matter what you do..disappointment follows. I’ve been thinking of you a lot too..just like you said…why have you not been the ones chosen by the birth family…makes no sense to me either! I know you have pain like me…and of course we question everything we have or have not done…I guess it’s natural…but we need a break…we both need a break…counting on it happening this year(and pretty sure I wrote that on one of your posts last year about 2015…so just change it to 2016) Tons of love to you always!! Xoxo

  2. My sweet friend I wish all this pain away. Of course you feel jealous- how could you not? You have fought and wished and dreamed for long. I am right here sad and mad right along with you. I want you to catch a break, receive a miracle and finally be able to move on. It is absolute hell where you are. The fact that you can still function and live your life is truly amazing. My hope is one day when you have your child (because you will) you look back and somehow feel this was all worth it to bring you that child. Hugs and love to you. Happy birthday. And for what it is worth- the average age where I live for first time Moms is 40 so your not that old:). Xo

    • Mamajo….always there with words to comfort me in times of sorrow. Thank you for letting me complain…I don’t like when I do this but I guess it’s a part of the process so people going through it don’t think they are crazy…I truly believe, like you said, once I have my child I will look back and it will all be worth it…but holy moly…every year passes and I’m like..hello?! I’m still waiting over here! Can I catch a break please?!?! Thanks for your hugs, love and unwavering support..right back at ya…xoxo

  3. Don’t put that pressure on yourself to be so graciously gracious about other people’s happiness when you’re in the thick of a situation that is so unfair and unnavigable. It would be weird if you weren’t jealous. And thank you for stating the honest truth IVF outcomes. I’m living that reality despite all that was supposed to be encouraging.

    • You know A…as I was writing this, unfortunately, I was thinking about you and all the crap you’ve been through. It is beyond unfair what you have been through..pure torture honestly..and you’re right..we have the right to not be gracious all the time. The reality of IVF…it’s NOT the holy grail and people don’t get that…it’s not all rainbow babies and BFPs around here..that’s the truth and people need to know that…anyways….always thinking of you…

  4. I don’t think other people realize just how hards birthdays can be when struggling with infertility. That is no longer a joyous occasion, but a reminder that we have gone another year and yet we still struggle with trying to have a child. It is ok to feel the way your are feeling and it is important to share those emotions with people who understand what you are going through. I am so sorry that you are not able to enjoy your birthday to the fullest. I wish you the best. xo

    • Thanks Stephanie…it’s no fun when life keeps going and you are just stuck…stuck in the same place Ive been for 4 years..so frustrating as you know. Thank you for your kind words..we will get there…it’s my everything and I won’t stop until I’m holding him or her in my arms..love to you..xo

  5. I find myself, on random days, checking out a due date calculator to see what my due date would be if I got pregnant that month. I count the months ahead and envision my future 9 months and what the weather will be like when I’m full term. I’ve gone two birthdays without holding my baby in my arms. And I have gone 26 months of imagining my due date. My prayers today and in the months to come will be that we both finally can stop imagining and start living. Thank you for sharing all of your touching stories. It is so comforting to me to read that I have a sister in this battle somewhere out there. Much love to you.

    • Thanks Samantha…Ive done the same thing with my IVF cycles…so exciting to think..this could be it…but then disappointment and I’ve got to stop with the expectations. I look at everything and think..oh, I’ll have a baby by then or..wow that’s so far off, of course I’ll be pregnant by then…and then..it all passes me by…and sadness ensues. Prayers back at you that we don’t have to endure this pain much longer…xo

    • Thank you Caroline…you are someone who always seems to have that positive energy and I’ll admit..I thought..”Now,Caroline wouldn’t write a post like this.” You inspire me to believe that He has better plans for me…thank you for that and I’m really trying 🙂 I gotta believe this is our year too…xoxo

  6. I don’t really know what to say, having been on both sides of this situation. In the middle of my stim cycle for IVF#2, I had thrown in the towel. I was so convinced that we’d lose all of our embryos again like we did with IVF#1, and be even more miserable and resentful because of it. In our case, we had a long conversation about how to be okay with being childless. We talked about all the fancy trips we could take, all of our food could be organic and unprocessed. We’d have lots of time to play all of our sports…. But then it worked, and now I’m laying beside my rainbow baby. And then it worked again- and DW is now pregnant with our second. And I can’t help but feel grateful and guilty both at the same time. Grateful because we’re getting what we’ve been dreaming about for half a decade. Guilty because all of my IF friends deserve their own fairy tale ending. But fertility isn’t fair, and it breaks my heart because I’ve been there, in the depths of that dark pit, watching everyone around me moving forward, and I’m stuck, just stuck. It makes birthdays and holidays, social media, and office small talk unbearable. So take that break. Your life is not defined by your infertility. You are so much more than that.

    • Oh M…I am SOO thrilled for you and DW…amazing…and he is so gorgeous! I know I’ll get there one day too but it is just so tough watching everyone..even those who started trying much later than me pass me by 🙁 That’s the jealousy..and I try not to be but it creeps in at times. I want us all to overcome this battle..I guess mine is just a little longer than most so I’ll keep going but know that I am beyond happy for my fellow ladies on here..I want to be where you are one day..and then we can all celebrate together..finally!! Xoxo

      • I can totally relate to the jealousy! We’ve been there, and while DW is still on eggshells because of her recurrent pregnancy loss history, the anxiety is still there. I hope that you get your take home baby, however that happens. We all deserve the chance to be parents.

  7. Sending you so much love for your birthday (sorry it’s late). You are allowed to feel how you feel, but I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Honestly, infertility and everything you’ve been through is so unfair. There is no way around it. It’s not fair. You’ve had it harder than most and I will never understand why such an amazing woman, who has so much love to give, is struggling so much to have a child. I still pray for you everyday. You are in my prayer journal and you are one that I will not stop praying for until you tell me to.. I wish I saw my prayers working a little more and I wish things were different. Sending so much love and prayers. <3

    • My wonderful S…thank you, as always, for your sweet words. You definitely understand and I couldn’t be happier for you and T and baby girl Nora Jane…..soooooo excited for you guys!! Your dream is coming true! I know, it’s not my time yet, so I will wait. Obviously I get sad because my expectations are not met….but I won’t stop. I won’t stop until I’m holding my baby in my arms. Just frustrating at times. Thank you for always being there for me…one of these days, I will have some good news to share and you’ll be one of the first to know 😉 Love you soooo much! xoxo

  8. I feel every word you wrote. I turn 40 in a little over a month and we’ve been trying for 2 years. 40! I pray God hears your birthday wish and 2016 brings you a baby.

  9. Hi Doll! Happy Birthday!!! This is a beautifully written post and your honesty amazing. Thank you for speaking the truth because it does need to be heard!! Please keep speaking the truth. Keep doing everything you are doing and don’t give up. I pray this is your year and I will be sitting alongside you always. xoxox

    • D! Thank you love! Ugly…but honest…that’s for sure 🙂 You understand though…I pray we are both pregnant and deliver healthy babies very soon! Hope you got my text…we will figure out this dinner thing very soon! xoxo

  10. I do want to wish you a belated, yet happy birthday. I know its not what u envisioned it to be and I appreciate you sharing your raw emotions with us. Thank you my friend. My birthday is in a week, and I totally get what u have said about everything in this post. I pray your wish comes true next year, I pray that for myself every year too. Please know I am here for you, really, anytime…I feel like we can relate so much to each other, neither one of us being the “typical” infertile IVFers 💗

    • Thanks a bunch girly…and Happy Early Birthday back at ya 🙂 I mean…doesn’t every birthday just seem like a disappointment when it goes by without a baby?! Gosh…just tough…thank you for being there…do you live near L.A.?? If you do…or will be in the area, I love meeting up with other bloggers..just refreshing, that’s for sure 🙂 Thinking of you…we gotta get a break soon! xoxo

  11. Birthday in the past few years to me has been hard especially at age 40 when I didn’t expect myself not having a child. I am sorry girl. Happy belated birthday. I am like you. Sometimes I just wish that I could be like those who don’t have to do IVF repeatedly and be successful. So I actually understand those feelings you have. I pray that you will have a child in your arms by your next birthday. <3

    • Isabelle! Thank you sooo much. We just need a break…SOON! I am so very excited for you and this next step…I am believing this will bring your baby home! I pray we both have our babies in our arms in 2016!! Love to you!! xoxo

  12. This is raw and truth and you’re right, it needs to be said. I am quickly on my way to 39 (March). I’ve also wished for that baby every year for the last 4 years. Sending you so much love and big Birthday hugs!!! Love to you, my Friend!

  13. When I was young, my favorite thing to do was solve puzzles. I loved putting puzzled together, solving logic puzzles, and figuring out riddles and rubix cube. I had to solve things. Puzzles are built to have a solution.

    What we learn from these puzzles is there is a solution if we can only find it. When I struggled through infertility and saw others struggle, I still can’t accept the idea of puzzles and mysteries with no solution.

    I would get so frustrated when the doctors would tell me my infertility was “unexplained”. Somehow I just felt they weren’t working hard enough to solve the puzzle. There had to be a reason. Why couldn’t they solve it? I couldn’t and still can’t accept the mystery with no answer or reason.

    That some things have no solution and no answers.

    Somehow I can’t accept the idea that there isn’t answer there and like any puzzle it’s a matter of finding it before the clock runs out. And so, perhaps its naive, but I can’t help but believe that the solution is somewhere out there.

    And it’s just a matter of finding it.

    And I hope you find your way . May baby dust bless you!

  14. Wishing you a belated happy birthday from your newest follower. I can relate to a lot of what you write and it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one with these jealous feelings, even towards fellow “infertiles”. We haven’t officially embarked on our IVF journey yet but we have been told that if it’s successful, I will miscarry several times before I will be able to carry a baby long enough for it to survive. It’s such a scary world of what if’s.

    I hope you were able to enjoy some peace and happiness on your birthday and I wish you every ounce of luck in the world for your 38th year.

  15. I feel for you as i am only 31 almost 32 and I feel that my time is running out for a chance to have a baby! I have been trying since I was 21 unintentionally by nit using bit cintro no condoms. Thinking that it will only be a matter of time. Then intentionally trying methods and doctors. Now I simply an spent! Thank you for sharing your story! Keep your head up. “When nothing goes right, go left”! Heard it on pintrest!

  16. I can only imagine the heartache and pain you must be feeling with the news about your sister. I am so sorry. I am sorry that you had to deal with the sadness and jealousy that we all feel going through this confusing and painful journey. I only hope that you get your wish next year. I hope that your sister’s procedure goes well and that she heals up and is able to give you your longed for little one.

  17. Thank you so much for having the courage to be haring your feelings/journey with us. Although you posted this a few weeks ago, I am just reading it today. I feel honored to read your words of honesty and bravery and am grateful to be walking through this journey with women like you (even if it’s just through this blog and being friends on Instagram).

    I understand most of the things you wrote about and am feeling pretty much the same way. I turned 40 this year (did I really just type that – I am in utter shock and disbelief that I’m actually 40 and childless) I have lost one tube due to an ectopic pregnancy from my first IVF cycle, my other tube was partially blocked on my HSG test last year and also suffer from thin uterine lining problems.

    I continue to wish and pray for my child too….as I will continue to wish and pray for yours.

    Sending you the biggest hug.

  18. Happy birthday love.I know you feel jealous today i saw a newborn and when i was closely looking at him my eyes start getting teary because i have been trying for a baby for just 15months I can’t even feel your pain love but everyone is with you and you have millions of women feeling just like you !! ❤️

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