( btw…I hate the word “infertile” but I couldn’t find another word that would make sense)

The truth about being more infertile, than infertiles……

Is there even a thing?

Yes, I’m here to tell you….yes, there is.

And, I’m reminded of that today.

As we speak……I’m being “lapped” by infertiles.

I’ve touched on this topic before but basically, it’s infertile women having their 2nd child before I’ve even had my first. Now, sure, being lapped by fertiles…..happens almost every, single day.

But infertiles, people that are supposed to be like me???

(cue, punch to the gut)

O.k…now, this is simply an observation and raw personal truth. Please do not see this as me not supporting other infertile women, because that’s not my point at all.

I’ve been here a while. 1,280 days to be exact. And, no, this is not a competition. I know plenty of women who have been trying to conceive A LOT longer, and even some with more complex issues.

But think of it this way, when you find a group of women that you feel you can finally relate to…you open up to them…share your deepest secrets, and they fight hard, pray hard, research hard, just like you, and their dream finally comes true. They get pregnant and have a baby. You all celebrate together! They say, “You are next”, and you feel in your heart that it’s true…it happened for them…it will happen for me!

And then……….it doesn’t….like, years go by………. and it doesn’t.

And you try to relate to this group, that you’ve come to love….and you can no longer relate.

It’s like you’re peeking in the window of a beautiful party. You were invited, a couple of times before. And then things change, and you’re not invited this time. You show up, dressed appropriately, you bring a gift but you don’t have the credentials to enter. You are not a MOM. And you no longer belong….even with other infertiles.

Their posts are no longer related to infertility, but of their beautiful growing child. And then comes the time when they start talking about a sibling. And they get pregnant….again.

And you’re still in the same place you were over 3 1/2 years ago. Does it hurt? I will not lie…deep down, it certainly does. Jealousy rears it’s ugly head in no matter how happy I try to feel for them. Why are they blessed with a second child before I even am able to have one? And then I snap out of it. I tell myself…stop comparing and don’t let jealousy in! Because let’s be real, I want to be where they are…I want to get over this HUGE mountain to the other side…desperately.

But then you question yourself…have you done everything you can? Should you try something else? Should you see another Dr.? Get a 4th opinion? Spend more money? Pray more?

And then you’ve also seen miracles happen. With your own eyes.

Women who I actually KNOW battling infertility and only by God’s grace…they’re pregnant (Suz, Lily, T, to name a few). Women JUST like me…with my problems…got pregnant naturally…no meds, no planning, no vitamins….nada. They do have one up on me…they have tubes, I don’t 🙁 So, unfortunately, that won’t happen for me but it would be a MIRACLE even if I got pregnant through IVF with my uterus…and a tiny bit of hope creeps in when think of that….and as quickly as hope creeps in…reality sets in…and more disappointment.

I’ll write a medical update soon…but it’s not good folks…like really bad. And sad. I hate to leave you on that note…but that’s the reality of infertility.

If you are able to have a child in some way….I encourage you to stare at that face, memorize it, kiss that child of yours and thank God for him/her every…single…day.

Because for me, it is all a dream.

When I think of my child, I cannot see their face. I cannot hold them. I cannot kiss them. I cannot be there for them. I cannot simply love them.

I can only dream of that day.

So if you have a child…you are living my dream.

You are living my dream.

And I can only pray that one day my dream will come true too.

This song sums up my life right now: Dream- Imagine Dragons

“Everything’s a mess….but I want to dream, I want to dream, Leave me to dream…..”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWu7JDETw_I

Dreams

 

 

 

56 Comments on The Truth About Being More Infertile, Than Infertiles

  1. Although I haven’t been going through everything as long as you have, I can relate to seeing those not only moving on with child #1, but then starting for child #2 while you are still working on the first. Thoughts your way.

  2. Love you…💜 Sharing your heart is not easy, but know that there are so many people that care for you deeply here. My heart breaks because you are hurting. There is nothing about this that is fair and I do believe you’ve gotten such a shitty hand..I don’t understand either. I continue to pray for you almost daily. Big hugs friend… 💜

    • Love you too S…I really hate being such a downer on this blog lately….but when nothing positive happens…it helps to write it out. I have been dealt a shitty hand…that is so true…you’ve been there too….so you understand…but you are on your way…and that gives me so much hope and happiness for you and T. I gotta keep going and keep trying…so that’s what I’ll do. Thank you for ALWAYS being there and being one of my biggest supporters….Hugs back at ya…xoxo

    • A…..you MORE than get it….I was thinking of you when I was writing this because I know you understand…and even more than me….and it makes me so sad to have company as well. It just sucks and it’s not right. Where do we go from here? I can’t think about it because I’m all out of options….but one day I can only dream that we both have the children we’ve always wished for….but for now, I’ll have another glass of wine and try not to become and alcoholic…xoxo

  3. I am so sorry this is so difficult for you. It is hard for me when my fertile friends go on to baby #2, so I can totally imagine how that must feel to you. I am really praying for you and sending lots of love! xoxo

    • Thank you meanttobemommy…yep fertile friends, infertile friends, random strangers walking down the street….all of the above…just sucks. Thank you for the prayers….gonna get through this somehow…prayers and love back at you too…xoxo

  4. Oh I hate this. Why is it so unfair? There is a special kind of pain to be lapped by infertiles because they are supposed to be the ones that share your pain and that understand. I have a miracle IVF son and every single damn day I feel like the luckiest person on earth and every single damn day I think about women who are yet to hold, smell, sing to and love on their own baby. It breaks my heart. It is just so unfair and so awful. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could ease it somehow. Xo

    • Thank you so much mamajo23. It’s just not right 🙁 I am so happy for you and that you have your son..what a miracle and I can understand your wish for another. One day things will be different…and I can only hope that a little one will be in my future soon (and another for you too 🙂 ) Thanks for always supporting me…xoxo

  5. I can very much relate to this. I have a support group where some of the ladies who just had ivf babies and just got their first period after giving birth are now trying for number two. I don’t know what to do with those feelings. You’re not alone in this. Not by a long shot. Lots of love. xx

  6. I know it takes guts to post brutally honest posts like this, so major kudos to you on that. I can relate as well ax so mNy of the commenters above. Practically all of my family and friends are DONE having their kids and I’m still trying to get started. Left in the dust indeed. Hugs to you 🙂

  7. This post makes me so sad. I feel like there really isn’t even anything I can say. I really really wish you were the next person I received news that you were pregnant. It just isn’t fair and I HATE that. I’m sorry and I understand the feelings of everyone passing you. I hope it happens for you so so soon! Sending you a huge hug!

    • Thank you Jennifer…you understand this pain. And I should probably give you a call to hear the joy you are feeling now. Every time I get sad and feel like no one understands this, I think of you. And you get it…you’ve been through it…and you are now over this hurdle and happy 🙂 I appreciate your support SO much. I know things will change but it’s tough living through it right now. Thank you for the huge hug and support as always! xoxo

  8. I totally understand where you are coming from. Watching other people go through what you want desperately is hard, harder when you are faced with so many obstacles to getting there. You aren’t alone.

    • Thanks so much Awaiting….I feel like you are due VERY soon! So happy for you…I know I’ll be there one day but, as you know, it’s hard going through the wait and disappointment. Congrats to you again and thank you for your support..xoxo

  9. I have a tear in my eye, because I so understand this. We are now having friends lap us with kid number to being conceived and even born and yet we started trying before they did. I see bloggers move on all the time. I am happy for them, and yet so unbelievably bitter at other times that I will never move on in the same way. And even though we are pursuing adoption, it will never be the same. My body will always be broken – for me, this is a simple fact that I have no choice but to learn to live with.
    And another thing, pursing adoption is not filled with excitement, it’s filled with determination and perseverance, very much like an extended and new version of the IF battle – it’s on going and there is no end in sight. I’m exited that we will have a child eventually, but I still want the excitement that normal people have – I’m yet to have one in-real-life person be simply excited for us when we tell them, we always get questions and comments, not just excitement. I’m yet to wake up in the morning and be able to put my hand on my belly and be thankful for a little growing life. I’m yet to have any freaking timeline for when we will have a child. I want some of those simple and seemingly easy things, and I think I always will.
    Anyways, I’m ranting and rambling now. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending love your way.

    • Thank you MPB…as I was reading your comment, and in my head going…Yes!…Yep!…I get it!…And, it’s true, I would want people to be excited about adoption too! Just as I’m feeling if we ever are able to use a Gestational Carrier, will they be excited or just have a MILLION questions?? And weird questions at that…ugh…after ALL we have been through it just blows my mind what more we will have to go through and it becomes overwhelming. I get it also that I just want to be “normal”. Thank you for always being there. I am SO excited for you friend…..you are on your way to becoming a Mom and enjoy this exciting time 🙂 Lots of love to you always! xoxo

    • I can truly relate to these posts😢😢 As much as you want to be positive and rejoice at everyone around you expanding their families you keep asking what you did wrong. Was a 27 yrs old virgin before getting married 7 yrs later still hoping. Faith is very very weak, one day ! one day hopefully not the next Sarah

      • Thank you Omoyele…I do ask myself that question often…what did I do to deserve all of this pain? One day, I’m hoping I’ll be holding my child and understand why this all had to happen the way it did…thank you for your support! xoxo

  10. I feel ya. I’ve had this for years. 15+, to be exact. I can totally relate to those feelings. There are people I follow who got pregnant “accidentally” before their IVF cycles even came round! And it feels bad to feel bad, because you don’t want anyone to go through loss… but sometimes it just seems like we will be the % who never have a happy ending. I hope it isn’t the case… I hope we are just slower than most! X

    • Thanks Nara…yep, read that many times too. Right before an IVF cycle..oops..they are pregnant…has happened a bunch of times on my newsfeed. And exactly, it feels bad to feel bad…but what a crappy end of the % we are on 🙁 I am agreeing that we are just slower….and slow and steady still wins the race 🙂 xoxo

  11. My sister (younger than me) has 5 amazing children ages 19-11. We’ve been trying everything for years. We don’t have a medically known reason to not get pregnant which sounds great, right?! I’ve heard tons of amazing stories, miracles even. I’m not giving up. I have moments where I get down….but that’s a slippery slope! We must keep away from it! XOXO

    I do have some info for you if you want it. Send me your email address or another private way to get in touch with you.

  12. Boy do I relate to this today. I just went to my RSS reader after a long break, and it’s like 80% bumpdates in my infertility blogs. I’m really feeling being left in the dust today. By the real world, by the blogs, by my own body.

    • Thanks patientsubfertility…yes, happens every day…and unfortunately, sometimes I can’t handle all of the bumpdates…just can’t have it in my face every single day. I’ve been left in the dust for a while…most women(except 2) who I started blogging with all have kids now and have either had their 2nd or are pregnant again. Anyways, life goes on and I just must keep going…thanks for your support and understanding..xoxo

  13. I posted on your prior post about my own experience getting pregnant after four years of work.

    What I didn’t mention is that I live in Japan and my battle with infertility occurred through the Japanese fertility clinic system. In the four years it took to conceive the child I’m pregnant with, I went through five fertility clinics here in Japan.

    It was weird. I am a westerner and I stood out like a sore thumb sitting in a waiting room full of Japanese women. Each time I visited, I would wait in there for four hours. We wait for the nurse to call our name or number. They’d usually struggle to pronounce mine.

    In most Japanese fertility clinics, there are two offices, side by side, where you are shown to sit and speak with the doctor. Because the walls are paper-thin you can hear what the doctor is saying in the cubicle besides yours. Each office has a box of tissues and nearby trashcan and the trashcans are usually stuffed with tear-stained tissues.

    One thing I learned is most of the fertility specialists in Japan are male and they also have some of the worst bedside manners. They deliver both good and bad news stoically and directly. Empathy is not their strong suit. They are good at the results and the science, but not dealing with the pain.

    The nurses are the ones who rush in too comfort the women.

    Sometimes, waiting for my turn to speak with the doctor, I’d hear such sobs and wailing coming from the office beside me. I couldn’t quite understand the technical words they’d discussed in Japanese, but I could hear the nurses vain attempt at comfort as the women balled like their world was ending.

    And then one day, one of those sobbing women became me. The doctor, without any cushioning, delivered that adenomyosis had ravaged my uterus and it had been hidden behind the fibroids. The MRI was what finally revealed the devastation. Without even downturned eyebrows, in a deadpan voice, he explained in his best English that it would be almost impossible for me to ever conceive naturally.

    Eventually, I stopped crying enough to pay the bill. The whole train ride home I thought on repeat, “Don’t cry on the train. Don’t cry on the train.” But it didn’t help seeing all those mothers with babies and young children.

    Mothers who ignored their children to fiddle with their smart phones. Mothers who acted like their children were bothersome and less important than what was on the screen of the latest model of I-phone.

    And it seemed so unfair. Like there were two worlds. The world only infertile women knew where children were seen as “rare” treasures and the world of fertile women.

    Now that I’m finally pregnant with my own, I realize that it’s impossible for me to be like those women. It’s impossible to be like women to which fertility came easy. Is it weird that I still feel jealous of how naive they are to the pain of infertility?

    They’ll never doubt their ability to have children. They’ll never know the trauma. The shame. The bitterness.

    Even us infertile who get the dream, we will always, in a dark corner of our mind, remember the nightmare. We know that pain all too well.

    I hope you find the light at the end of your tunnel and find the beauty at the end so much more splendid because your journey was so much darker.

    I’ll always fear the drudge to the fertility clinic to sit in the office with all the other women, heads bowed in shame, as we listen for our name and wonder, “When will it be my turn?”

    • Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize how long my post got until I posted it. I’m sorry I rambled so long. I guess I’m not good at concisely stating my feelings. Sorry :/

    • Thank you ALittleHope…and congrats on your pregnancy. I know when I eventually get pregnant, I’ll never be able to relate to other pregnant women. What I’ve had to go through, is beyond what I could have ever dreamed to have a child. And honestly the very few people who I have told, don’t understand how or why I would put myself through all of this pain. I’m just trying to focus on the beauty of what can be…me and my husbands child…and that’s what simply keeps me going…that little face I cannot see yet. Thank you for your support and congrats again on your miracle..xoxo

  14. Just wanted to leave some love. I’m still waiting like you, and with you (about the same amount of time too <3 ). And I still have so much hope for us both!! But I know it's a tiring, trying wait. Sending love. xo

    • Thank you Diana 🙂 I have a lot of hope for us too. I know it will happen…I just have to keep believing and taking it day by day. The wait is tough(as you understand) but I will wait patiently if it brings me my child. Thank you for your understanding and support…love to you too….xoxo

  15. New to the blog. I was looking for a place where others were getting “lapped” like me. Your words are so real and true. You may be losing one community but there is another awaiting with arms wide open. Thoughts are with you.

  16. Yes I’m that kind of infertile you are talking about who isn’t exactly infertile.I have a 3year old but I’m trying to conceive again and couldn’t because of pcos so we are going for ivf and i was researching that and came across your page and i swear it’s 12:05 am and after reading your blog i just hugged my baby and cried so hard that i alnost scared her.I’m so sorry that you are going through this and I’m praying hard for you love !! ❤️

      • Thank you for opening up infront of all of us.Yes your blogs are eye openers for the already moms too because when we are tired and exhausted we just yell at our kids and don’t give them proper attention but after reading your blog i realised what a blessing a baby is.Thank you i wish you have your own baby in your arms really soon and I’m saying this from the depth of my heart and i mean it.Lots of love from Pakistan ❤️

  17. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is just what I needed this evening. My husband and I are just beginning to navigate the world of infertility, and it is refreshing to know we are not alone. I am feeling so many things right now, and my emotions continue to change every day. It is devstating and very frustrating, but your words have given me comfort to know what I am feeling is OK. I am trying keep positive energy and prayers free-flowing to all of us suffering from infertility, even on difficult days.

  18. YES YES YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! this is the story of my life!!!! everything you write is EXACTLY how I feel. friends on FB and IG (infertiles) talking about siblings for their babies and I’m like “duuuude can I just have one?”. I have to say that you seem like you’re handling it waaaay better than I am. I get jealous and its soooo hard to surpress those feelings. I hate being infertile. I just want to have a baby. why does it have to be so hard?!?!?

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