So the title says it all…once again……cancelled.

Apparently, I ovulated on CD10….what? Who does that? Me. Oh, and I have a cyst…so all around…no go.

If it hadn’t happened to me SO many times before, I might be a little shocked…but I’m not.

It seems like anything I try to do…either fails, gets cancelled or falls apart all together. I am so confused and lost at this moment…

4 years friends….I know others who have been trying for a lot longer…and I know it is pure torture…every month…every year…every holiday. I seriously thought this year…this Christmas, we would have a child or be pregnant…but I wait and wait and wait.

I’ve had frozen embryos since Nov.2013 and Jan.2014….my babies have been frozen for almost 2 years. I know some of you get sad when you can’t have a fresh transfer…and have to wait a month. I wish I only had to wait a month…or 2 months..or 1 year…but 2 years. If my first IVF cycle would have worked, I would have a one year old….I would have a one year old in my arms.

But they are still frozen…with nowhere to go.

Every time I go to my fertility clinic, I think of them. Every time I drive by my clinic, I think of them and can only say a prayer that I’ll be back for them.

But I need a healthy uterus. I refuse to put them in a hostile environment. I tried once and I still feel bad about being selfish at that moment, knowing that little embryo, realistically, didn’t have a chance.

Now, I didn’t do PGS testing on my embryos, but I just love them. No matter what. And I know many women who are still trying to create embryos and I am blessed that I have some…I just pray that they will find a place to grow for 9 months…a healthy place.

So, that’s where I’m at now…I’m waiting for this cyst to shrink and hopefully we can do that follow up hysteroscopy soon. I’m also talking with my sister again about her being my gestational carrier. I never believed that I would have to be considering surrogacy. Ever. But my focus are my embryos…my babies….and I want to give them a chance..I want them to grow and become my babies and I’ve slowly come to accept that if it can’t be in my womb…I will find a womb.

Thank you all for your continued support…I’ll keep you updated…xoxo

0 comment on Hysteroscopy #4-Cancelled

  1. I’m so sorry… It just isn’t fair. Although I know whining about how it’s not fair won’t change a thing, it’s still a bunch of crap. It isn’t fair and I’m sorry you have even consider surrogacy, that you feel so much pain, that you’ve been given such bad luck. You don’t deserve this. It breaks my heart. You are a blogger I’ve just felt so connected to and a strange part of me still holds onto hope for you. I don’t believe God would give you the desire (and embryos) to be a mom if you were never meant to hold your baby in your arms. I just don’t believe he’s cruel and I just believe this fight you’ve been fighting will end with a beautiful rainbow. Love you friend. I’m here if you need me.

  2. I am so sorry that you are facing yet another freaking hurdle! I think of you all the time, and I just want it to be your turn already! Sending you love my friend and as always I’m wishing you get out of this limbo-land/waiting torture soon!

  3. My goodness I want you to catch a break. Just one. So sorry another delay. You are right. Every month, holiday, year is so hard. It doesn’t get easier. You are already being a good Mom to those little embryos!

  4. I found your blog tonight when I was researching that my RE wants to put me on Trental. I read some of your story and thought that maybe I could give you some hope.

    My linings always thin by nature but after a botched D&C after my 5th IVF my lining wouldn’t go past 5mm. I don’t respond to estrogen as well. Like you I did and tried EVERYTHING humanly and insanely possible for years but nothing ever worked. My very fertile sister offered to be our GC. However after weeks of estrogen her lining wouldn’t go past 5mm either! However she’s never tried more than 3 months for any of her 5. Yes 5 kids! My RE decided to go ahead with the transfer anyway since he felt 5mm is “normal” for her. 6 days before our transfer to her I found out I was pregnant. The day of my first ultrasound my lining was 4.3. I thought for sure Id miscarry but I didn’t. I have since then gotten pregnant with a lining under 5mm 4 times. Unfortunately I lost everyone but that is because it turns out I also have an incompetent cervix.

    My lining this cycle after ovulation was a dismal 3.4 but if I can get it near 5mm again I will cross my fingers and transfer anyway.

    I guess the point of my story is that although not ideal people can and do get pregnant with very subpar linings. Never lose hope. Sometimes its all we’ve got left.

    • Thanks 5mm Sally..very interesting. My RE is super concerned about my lining because it never really gets above 5.5mm on highly medicated cycles. I think I’m going to try the ERA test if I can get it up to 6mm to see if it is receptive before I transfer another embryo. Encouraging that your were able to get pregnant on 4.3 and 5mm! Wow…but so sad that they ended. Did they confirm it was because of the incompetent cervix? Does that have a connection with thin lining issues?? Have you successfully delivered a child yet? I’m so worried about everything…thank you again for sharing your story…appreciate the hope…xo

      • No my incompetent cervix is just extra bad luck. However I did lose our son at 6 months pregnant last August from a placental abruption. They believe it was caused by poor blood flow from my thin lining.

        I have a daughter (she was the 4.3mm baby). However she was premature and had growth restriction in utero. She was 4lb 6oz at 36 weeks but was otherwise very healthy. They now believe that was also probably caused by a poor functioning placenta. Personally yes I feel that my placental issues in pregnancy has something to do with my thin uterine lining but I don’t think we’ll ever know for sure.

        However I have been tested for every blood clotting issue known to man and they have all come up negative. My RE and MFM are going to put me on heparin if there’s ever a “next time” just in case.

    • Thank you so much thesinglesurrogate. I just cannot put my possible future children in an unhealthy environment. I pray every day to wake up and have a healthy uterus and lining and hope that one day my prayers will be answered…thanks..xo

  5. I know exactly how you feel… I’ve been going through this for 3.5 years now… I’ve been waiting for a cycle where I don’t have fluid in my endometrium to transfer one of my embryos. And I’m starting to think that that day will never come. I’ve since moved onto gestational surrogacy. Although at first it was difficult to imagine not being able to give birth to my own baby, I now feel that it was the best decision for me and my husband. Our goal really was to have our own baby whether or not she/he comes from my womb or someone else’s. Sending you hugs and best wishes!

  6. Oh no! That is so disappointing for you. I so hope that you can get to the best state to proceed really soon. The waiting is agony. Get well soon, uterus!

  7. I am so sorry this got cancelled! I am so sorry for all of this! Four years is long enough, but as I read this, I had the same thought as I used to have… it was hard for me to believe that there has got to be at least one baby would come of my frozen embryos. That was my thought of your embryos too as I read this. I so want this for you. Please know I am here anytime to chat about anything.

  8. I’m rooting for you.

    I don’t know if my story will be of any comfort. I hope it will.

    For four years my husband and I struggled with infertility. We tried IVF and all the treatments. My AMH was almost undetectable. I had fibroids. Clomid failed to work. The IVFs never made it to the final stage. I failed to ovulate most cycles. My right ovary had been exposed to radiation from chemotherapy when I was young. However, once in a blue moon it would grow a follicle. But never ovulated it. It seemed hopeless.

    Baby pictures and baby announcements appeared on Facebook. Sometimes I wept to my husband that we should give up. It seemed so painful to keep trying. Could we afford these treatments? He was so supportive. We considered egg donors.

    Finally, after switching a clinics again, I began doing acupuncture, yoga, and taking placenta supplements. My results started to improve. Soon my hormones became perfect. I began to mature follicles and even ovulated naturally on day 28. However, no pregnancy.

    Finally, we switched clinics one more time to one that could do natural cycle IVF (no chemicals or hormones). And miraculously they saw a very strong follicle growing in my right ovary — the one that hardly ever worked — and they tested my blood. The E2 levels were strong.

    It grew so fast and the E2 skyrocketed that they bumped my surgery earlier.

    It was agony when they removed the egg from that one follicle. No anathesia. I had to lay there in pain without moving. But they got the egg out and it was a superb grade one. I couldn’t believe it.

    They fertilized it with my husband’s sperm and a few days later put it back. They told us it had only a 25 % chance of taking. It was the longest two weeks of my life. I came in prepared to hear about the failure I’d heard about so many times before when they doctor stoically said, “Congratulations. You’re pregnant.”

    I stood there. I couldn’t believe what he’d said. It seemed impossible. Absurd. Me? Pregnant?

    I thought I’d wake from this dream. I almost cried. I couldn’t believe it. I called my husband in the bathroom and told him and cried. So much pain to reach this. So many setbacks. So many failures.

    It still hurts to think of all the darkness before. Even though I’m almost to the second trimester now, I still fear walking into the clinic and hearing grim news from the doctor.

    And I hope and pray you will triumph.

    • Wow…wonderful story ALittleHope…congrats to you! I’m trying to hang in there but it’s so tough sometimes and I can tell, you understand this. Stories like your do give me hope so I will keep oing. Thank you again for sharing your story! xo

  9. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I also have frozen embryos but have been trying for 5 years in October. It is devastating every time something gets postponed or you get the dreaded BFN.

  10. I feel your frustration. It’s such an awful feeling isn’t it? Pining for your little one & feeling like it’s completely out of your control. I’m with you, I recently started to think about surrogacy. I never thought I’d even consider it, but with every set back I realise that as special as it would be to be pregnant, it’s the baby at the end I want more. It’s an incredible offer that your sister might go on this journey with you x Sending you peaceful vibes in this incredibly frustrating time x

  11. I feel your frustration. It’s such an awful feeling isn’t it? Pining for your little one & feeling like it’s completely out of your control. I’m with you, I recently started to think about surrogacy. I never thought I’d even consider it, but with every set back I realise that as special as it would be to be pregnant, it’s the baby at the end I want more. It’s an incredible offer that your sister might go on this journey with you x Sending you peaceful vibes in this incredibly frustrating time x

  12. I stumbled upon your blog through a follower and read through some of your posts and your TTC timeline. I am so sorry you are having so many setbacks. I want to let you know that you and your family and your embabies will be in my prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and I will pray that you will have a precious miracle to hold in your arms!

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