Month: September 2015

The Truth About Being More Infertile, Than Infertiles

( btw…I hate the word “infertile” but I couldn’t find another word that would make sense)

The truth about being more infertile, than infertiles……

Is there even a thing?

Yes, I’m here to tell you….yes, there is.

And, I’m reminded of that today.

As we speak……I’m being “lapped” by infertiles.

I’ve touched on this topic before but basically, it’s infertile women having their 2nd child before I’ve even had my first. Now, sure, being lapped by fertiles…..happens almost every, single day.

But infertiles, people that are supposed to be like me???

(cue, punch to the gut)

O.k…now, this is simply an observation and raw personal truth. Please do not see this as me not supporting other infertile women, because that’s not my point at all.

I’ve been here a while. 1,280 days to be exact. And, no, this is not a competition. I know plenty of women who have been trying to conceive A LOT longer, and even some with more complex issues.

But think of it this way, when you find a group of women that you feel you can finally relate to…you open up to them…share your deepest secrets, and they fight hard, pray hard, research hard, just like you, and their dream finally comes true. They get pregnant and have a baby. You all celebrate together! They say, “You are next”, and you feel in your heart that it’s true…it happened for them…it will happen for me!

And then……….it doesn’t….like, years go by………. and it doesn’t.

And you try to relate to this group, that you’ve come to love….and you can no longer relate.

It’s like you’re peeking in the window of a beautiful party. You were invited, a couple of times before. And then things change, and you’re not invited this time. You show up, dressed appropriately, you bring a gift but you don’t have the credentials to enter. You are not a MOM. And you no longer belong….even with other infertiles.

Their posts are no longer related to infertility, but of their beautiful growing child. And then comes the time when they start talking about a sibling. And they get pregnant….again.

And you’re still in the same place you were over 3 1/2 years ago. Does it hurt? I will not lie…deep down, it certainly does. Jealousy rears it’s ugly head in no matter how happy I try to feel for them. Why are they blessed with a second child before I even am able to have one? And then I snap out of it. I tell myself…stop comparing and don’t let jealousy in! Because let’s be real, I want to be where they are…I want to get over this HUGE mountain to the other side…desperately.

But then you question yourself…have you done everything you can? Should you try something else? Should you see another Dr.? Get a 4th opinion? Spend more money? Pray more?

And then you’ve also seen miracles happen. With your own eyes.

Women who I actually KNOW battling infertility and only by God’s grace…they’re pregnant (Suz, Lily, T, to name a few). Women JUST like me…with my problems…got pregnant naturally…no meds, no planning, no vitamins….nada. They do have one up on me…they have tubes, I don’t 🙁 So, unfortunately, that won’t happen for me but it would be a MIRACLE even if I got pregnant through IVF with my uterus…and a tiny bit of hope creeps in when think of that….and as quickly as hope creeps in…reality sets in…and more disappointment.

I’ll write a medical update soon…but it’s not good folks…like really bad. And sad. I hate to leave you on that note…but that’s the reality of infertility.

If you are able to have a child in some way….I encourage you to stare at that face, memorize it, kiss that child of yours and thank God for him/her every…single…day.

Because for me, it is all a dream.

When I think of my child, I cannot see their face. I cannot hold them. I cannot kiss them. I cannot be there for them. I cannot simply love them.

I can only dream of that day.

So if you have a child…you are living my dream.

You are living my dream.

And I can only pray that one day my dream will come true too.

This song sums up my life right now: Dream- Imagine Dragons

“Everything’s a mess….but I want to dream, I want to dream, Leave me to dream…..”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWu7JDETw_I

Dreams

 

 

 

Hysteroscopy #4-Cancelled

yourstory_ngo_license_cancelled

 

So the title says it all…once again……cancelled.

Apparently, I ovulated on CD10….what? Who does that? Me. Oh, and I have a cyst…so all around…no go.

If it hadn’t happened to me SO many times before, I might be a little shocked…but I’m not.

It seems like anything I try to do…either fails, gets cancelled or falls apart all together. I am so confused and lost at this moment…

4 years friends….I know others who have been trying for a lot longer…and I know it is pure torture…every month…every year…every holiday. I seriously thought this year…this Christmas, we would have a child or be pregnant…but I wait and wait and wait.

I’ve had frozen embryos since Nov.2013 and Jan.2014….my babies have been frozen for almost 2 years. I know some of you get sad when you can’t have a fresh transfer…and have to wait a month. I wish I only had to wait a month…or 2 months..or 1 year…but 2 years. If my first IVF cycle would have worked, I would have a one year old….I would have a one year old in my arms.

But they are still frozen…with nowhere to go.

Every time I go to my fertility clinic, I think of them. Every time I drive by my clinic, I think of them and can only say a prayer that I’ll be back for them.

But I need a healthy uterus. I refuse to put them in a hostile environment. I tried once and I still feel bad about being selfish at that moment, knowing that little embryo, realistically, didn’t have a chance.

Now, I didn’t do PGS testing on my embryos, but I just love them. No matter what. And I know many women who are still trying to create embryos and I am blessed that I have some…I just pray that they will find a place to grow for 9 months…a healthy place.

So, that’s where I’m at now…I’m waiting for this cyst to shrink and hopefully we can do that follow up hysteroscopy soon. I’m also talking with my sister again about her being my gestational carrier. I never believed that I would have to be considering surrogacy. Ever. But my focus are my embryos…my babies….and I want to give them a chance..I want them to grow and become my babies and I’ve slowly come to accept that if it can’t be in my womb…I will find a womb.

Thank you all for your continued support…I’ll keep you updated…xoxo