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I’ve been meaning to write this post for a little while..so here we go:

After I got the disheartening news regarding my sister and going down the road of surrogacy, I thought to myself…well, I guess it’s back on me.

I thought long and hard that maybe this was all supposed to happen like this…

To force myself to be left with only my womb.

For some reason, I saw it as a sign….so I went back to my sonohystogram pics that I had last IVF from March 2015…and there seemed to be some sort of growth…and it didn’t look right to me.

So I called Dr. March again. Btw…Dr. March is one of the most admired gynecological surgeons in the world. I mean, I’ve been to MANY RE’s and spoken to numerous Dr.’s around the world and whenever I mention his name, respect and admiration flow in abundance. He also happens to be one of the nicest surgeons I have ever met. Probably the best bedside manner ever. Anyways, I digress, He performed my 2nd hysteroscopy and is an Asherman’s Specialist. I showed him my pics and he was confident that scar tissue had grown back…….not good at all.

So I scheduled my 3rd operative hysteroscopy.

It’s never fun but I guess you can say I’m getting used to going to the hospital and being put under, not something I look forward to but I’m getting pretty good at it. I kissed my hubby goodbye and off I went into surgery.

2 hours later….I woke up to Dr. March telling me all of the additional scar tissue he found. He said that my uterus looked like it was “hourglass” shaped due to the dense adhesions in the mid fundus area on both sides 🙁 There was also a small amount of fluid and a small hematoma in the top of the uterus midline filled with old blood.

Well…isn’t that all…just great(insert extreme sarcasm)

Why does this keep happening? It doesn’t make any sense. Even to my RE’s.

He also inserted a Cook balloon stent and I had that in for about 2 weeks. I had a Cook stent in last time too…and that is supposed to keep scar tissue from reforming…but for some reason my scar tissue continues to reform and I had a small hematoma(???)

All of this is just not good friends. I ran this by my other RE and he said that scar tissue shouldn’t continue to reform if there is adequate endometrium to carry a pregnancy. He also mentioned that even if I were to get pregnant that I am at a significantly higher risk for placental problems and pre-term delivery….

So what in the h*ll am I still doing?!?

Why do I continue to put myself through pure torture? Emotionally, physically and financially???

I had my follow-up with Dr. March. I couldn’t really read him this time. He’s usually pretty positive, but this time, he simply recommended I have ANOTHER hysteroscopy. omg. Seriously, I don’t know if my cervix or uterus can take this anymore. It wouldn’t be an operative hysteroscopy but and in-office hysteroscopy during mid-cycle. He wants to view what is actually happening inside of my uterus during a natural cycle and why my lining continues to stay thin.

So, that’s what we will do.

Hysteroscopy #4…and that’s next week.

I almost feel like my body isn’t mine anymore. Honestly.

SO many surgeries. So much medicine. So many shots, hormones, anesthesia. So many times I’ve had to block the pain.

SO much heartache.

How can one person handle all of this?

Sometimes I feel like I am running in a circle, I keep doing the same things over and over again…but then, when I try to get out of the circle(like surrendering to surrogacy), I get thrown back in and denied.

What else can I do?

As I type this, no kidding, I hear a baby crying outside of my window.

To some, it’s a nuisance……but to me, it’s the most magical sound in the world. 

And that’s why I am doing this. To hear that sound. To love that sound.

To cherish that sound and all it encompasses.

For if everyone would have to go through my (our) challenges of becoming a mother, children would be cherished beyond words.

They would be loved beyond measure.

They would be seen as the miracles that they truly are.

So if you have one of those miracles, think of me.

You are living my dream.

Because remember…..

Sometimes, what we take for granted is the miracle someone else is praying for.

I’ll keep praying for my miracle…I believe one day it will come true, I must believe.

 

 

49 Comments on Operative Hysteroscopy #3-Return of The Scar Tissue

  1. Sweetie, I am amazed at your resilience and determination. I wish I had the right words of encouragement. I wish you didn’t have to experience all of this. I wish you could hold your baby and hear the sweet sounds of your baby. I wish you strength to continue on, whatever that means for you. And, among all of this, I am sending you love and hoping that you get to hold your own baby, someway, someday.

    • MPB…you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better….it is truly a gift. I know we will both be Moms someday. We are both determined…and no one should ever get in our way I tell ya 🙂 It may take us a little longer than everyone else(isn’t that the truth?!?) but we are going to get there. That’s how I get through it. I’ve already imagined my child in my arms…and it will happen. Thank you again for your unwavering support…so much love to you…xoxo

  2. Cripes. That’s really harsh. I can’t imagine all the pain you’ve been going through! I’ve had two ops and they were not too bad. I’m really sorry to hear about everything you’re dealing with. I hope they manage to sort it out for you. I’m rooting for you!

  3. Your resilience is truly inspiring. Every post you write, I know I’m so lucky to have you in my life. You are such a strong woman, although I wish you didn’t have to be. I wish IF didn’t exist. I would have taken surrogacy as a no as well and I’m pleased you’re in good care with that dr. I’m sorry for the constant roadblocks and I can’t tell you why, but I just have so much hope for you! Thinking of you always, friend.

    • Thank you Sondra…you know me too well. I am so lucky to have you in my life too. I am so happy all is well with you…what a scare. I know we will get through this…all the roadblocks will be worth it…thank you again for always being there…you are amazing and I am thrilled for you…xoxo

  4. Oh goodness girl! I admire you so much for hoping against all hope like Abraham. God is still in the miracle baby making business just like He was in biblical times. And ya know? I believe wholeheartedly that what He did for them, He will do for you. He is throne true healer and I am praying healing over your body today. Hugs! Xo

  5. Ugh, your uterus is as much of a sadist as my ovaries. You deserve to hear that cry in your own home, and I hope at some point the solutions will present themselves so that you can, xo

  6. You are so strong! You are fighting the good fight and you’ll win it soon, I’m sure of it!

    Yes!!!!! You put my thoughts and feelings into great words: “sometimes what we take for granted are the miracles someone else prays for, wishes for, dreams about, and cries for too!”

    XOXO

  7. You’re in my thoughts and prayers now and when you go through your procedure next week. I am amazed and inspired at your continual strength to press forward. We need to keep faith that our babies will come to us. I know that is much easier said than done, but I know you can do it because you’re such a strong woman!

    • Thank you PCOS to Mommy…I hope something good comes of this procedure…I’m just sick of them all. I keep trying…and trying but it is exhausting. I will continue to have faith though that our babies are on their way and we must keep going..thanks for your kind words and support! xoxo

  8. You amaze me. You are a fighter and are seriously going to make one incredible mother. A mom that cherishes everything and raises and amazing and resilient child. I am hoping so hard for you that this day comes soon. Xo

    • Thanks so much mamajo23…I’m trying to hang in there. I appreciate your continued support..you’re always there to send some kind words of encouragement and I truly appreciate that. I hope one day I’ll be called “Mom” too…thank you again so much..xoxo

  9. This is a crazy f*cked up journey. It’s a total circle and so tough to decide when the circle is no more. Praying that you relentless determination pays off. Hang in there!!

  10. I don’t understand why that is happening but I am hoping the answer will be found at your next hysteroscopy! There has to be a reason, and with that reason, hopefully a solution will be found.

    • Thank you journeyformybaby…I don’t understand why it’s happening either 🙁 But there’s got to be one and I’m sticking with it until I have my baby in my arms. Thank you for your support…xoxo

  11. oh my darling. I am so sorry you are having this issue! I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope that some day you will have your little one. I hope they can figure out why the scar tissue keeps reforming. Good luck with everything! Let us know how the next appointment goes.

    • Thank you ivoryangel143…it does stink 🙁 There’s got to be a reason why this scar tissue keeps reforming and I’m trying to figure it out. Thank you for your support and I’ll def keep you all updated! xoxo

  12. To be specific, you want the sound of your BIOLOGICAL child crying. not “the sound” of a crying baby. I hope against hope that your body BEHAVES and obeys you and stops being a mystery so you can get your dream of being pregnant and delivering. So sorry you’re going through this.

    • Thank you Caroline….God is a God of miracles…and I’m believing that…thank you for your prayers and for always being here to show your support..means a lot…prayers back at you for your miracle that is on their way…xoxo

  13. I read this the other night on my phone. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I hate that you are. Your words are so true… too many people take for granted what you fight so hard for! I am so ready for you to have your miracle too! Sending you a huge hug and praying that your miracle comes as soon as possible!!

    • Thanks so much Jennifer T…it just stinks I tell ya. But as long as I get to have one just like yours…I’ll do whatever it takes. I know you understand almost exactly what I am going through…so your story inspires me to just keep moving forward…thank you for always being there and answering all of my questions…lots of love to you and your beautiful fam..xoxo

  14. I think I may have somehow missed something, but I will plan to email you soon to catch up a little bit. We are moving in four days so it might be a little later in the week, but know that I am thinking of you. I am sorry that things are still so hard and so up in the air. My heart just breaks reading this as I can relate to so much of it and desperately wish that you were not going through this.

    As I’ve lived with chronic illness for 16 years and have been through so many tests, surgeries, pain, etc. I know what you mean about feeling like your body is not your own and it is not something many of our peers will even be able to understand. I have even developed this sort of mind-body separation to where I actually feel trapped in my own body in a way, like I am being held prisoner in a body that does not work properly. It is a horrible feeling to have and I am so sorry that you know what that is like too.

    Sending you lots of love. <3 <3 <3
    Talk to you soon.

  15. Hi, I just came across your blog and feel your frustration. Even though I haven’t been through the wringer quite as much, I do have the thin lining issues as well. I was on the bc pillow forever too. I’m sure that’s the culprit! It takes a lot of strength, resilience and tongue biting, especially when people say the most ignorant things!! I have faith that both our blogs will have a happy outcome.

  16. Ugh! So many prayers your way. I cannot imagine the frustration and disappointment. Your strength is admirable! I am going into my 3rd retrieval and feeling about ready to throw in the towel.

  17. So what if you never would have done the first hysteroscopy? Do you think it was unnecessary? I was told I need one but my mom is skeptical and advises I get a second opinion. I pray the scar tissue stops and you will be pregnant very very soon! I am so scare now. What do you think?

    • Hi Ell…no, my scarring is from when my appendix ruptured when I was 10. I actually recommend everyone to get a hysteroscopy before going through IVF to make sure there is nothing hiding in your uterus. My HSG showed a clear uterus…but my hysteroscopy showed extensive scarring, so hysteroscopy is the best diagnostic tool. Best of luck! xo

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