earthtone_angel_wing_by_shadoweddancer

Well, after taking some time off after our failed 3rd full IVF cycle in March…I didn’t know what to do…

I was lost…and I’m still lost….

For the past couple of months…I’ve just done nothing in regards to trying to have a baby…and it’s been weird.

I’ve been trying to have a baby for almost 4 years. And this is the first time that I haven’t had an appt, shots, blood draws, ultrasounds, etc.

Instead, I kind of gave up on myself. I mean, that’s what all of my RE’s are telling me…that there is no hope for my uterus and that I can’t carry a baby. And you start to believe that when that’s all you hear.

So, I decided to really research gestational carrier information. It’s overwhelming…and by overwhelming, I mean, if you think IVF costs a lot out of pocket(which it DOES!!)…then looking into gestational carrier costs will give you a heart attack…I mean….wow. And then everything that goes along with it is just too much…The only way we could do this is if we could find someone we knew.

I haven’t been very open about our mission to have a child. Not even really to my family. I mean they know, to a degree, but they don’t know specifics. It’s just too exhausting for me to have to explain it all. I mean, my own mother didn’t even understand ovulation…because she never had to. My family is VERY fertile. My Mom had 4 kids easily. Her last being my brother and she was 41. No help of fertility treatments…nothing. My sister got pregnant twice ON birth control pills…at 23 and 25. So fertile is an understatement to say the least.

And then there is me.

Who has literally and figuratively tried it ALL. One ovary. No tubes. Chronically thin lining. Multiple surgeries. 3 full IVF cycles. 6 FET cycles. Blah, blah, blah…I could go on and on, but most of you all know my story.

But that’s life, I guess. And now, I needed to keep my chin up, not compare and just focus on what I have to do next. Find a gestational carrier.

And there she was…staring me right in front of my face….my little sis. My angel.

We haven’t talked much about everything…well, because honestly, I never would want her to feel like she “has” to do this. I just wouldn’t want to put that burden on anyone. I mean, carry my child? What an unbelievably selfless, honorable, beautiful gift. But she called me up and said she wanted to do this for me and I was floored since I remember her saying, after her 2nd child, “I am done! I won’t do this again!”

But here she was volunteering to carry our child…really an Angel. There she was…telling me she WANTS to do this for me…and all I could do was cry..tears of joy and HOPE once again flooded my soul.

Now, it seems that it should be easy once someone volunteers to carry for you…but it’s not…and it was only the beginning.

Even though you have someone…and she’s your sister…you still have to have a lawyer…and pay them 🙁 It bothers me SO much. All in all, the lawyers will probably cost us $8,000+ alone…and that just makes me sick. Then blood tests, FDA requirements, procedures, flights, ultrasounds…all $$$. Obviously, less than going through an agency…but still a LOT. Sickening.

And then there are all of the pre-tests. She had her last child in Jan. 2010…so it’s been a while. My RE wanted to see her first just to make sure all looked o.k.

So, I had my sister come down(she lives about 7 hrs away) and we saw my RE for an ultrasound. As the ultrasound began, I was excited to see a thicker lining than mine…but, guess what?…that’s not what we wanted to see right now. She should have a thin lining since she’s on birth control…..

And it’s not…..my sister has too thick of lining and that’s a problem. Also, her uterus doesn’t look quite right. The shape is not normal. My RE recommends an operative hysteroscopy to see what’s going on.

And I’m numb.

So not only is my uterus a problem, my sisters might be too???

Here I am. Not wanting to have someone else carry my child. But I’m taking the steps.

And once again…bad news.

A thief takes away my hope once again.

Shattered. I’m just shattered.

Why? Why, oh why does this keep happening to me?

And I’m in utter shock. My sister doesn’t seem worried. She is confident she can carry and tells me not to worry…but how can I not? If I am going to put my embryo somewhere, I want it to be in a healthy environment….because if it’s not 100% healthy, then I should just keep trying on myself…

My RE wants to do a sonohystogram on her to see if he can see anything…we set it up..and then my sister has to cancel last minute due to work/stress. She’s not ready to go forward with anything right now. Honestly, I think the news scared her and she just doesn’t want to deal with all of the tests and such.

And I am back to square one.

Lost. Alone. Infertile. Sad. Hopeless.

An angel and a thief…just like that, hope shows it’s face and then it’s stolen away from me once again.

It’s hard to not feel sorry for yourself when things like this happen. I’m not one to do that but wow, I’m being pushed to my limit. And just don’t get it.

But I’ve got to keep going. I’m in too deep now and I won’t stop. I won’t throw in the towel. It’s not in me. I see how people do though and I honestly respect them for it. When they know they can’t do it any longer. When they recognize it and are at peace. I almost wish that I could just move on. I mean, all of these signs are pointing to that…but I just can’t….in my gut…I can’t. I see the face of my child…not clearly…but they are there and I have to try for them.

I mean, my entire life is that…that vision of this unknown child.

So, I keep that vision in my head and move forward. Tears may fall(as I’m writing this) and I wipe them away to continue typing.

And I’ll continue typing and searching to find a way for this child to become a part of my life. Simple as that, I won’t stop until I find a way. There’s a way to everything. Where there’s a will, there’s a way…and I’m not accepting anything less. Not now, not ever for my child. That’s out there.

I must believe.

27 Comments on An Angel & A Thief

  1. I want to hug you and take away some of your pain. This so all so unfair and so damn hard and hurtful. My only hope is that someday all this pain will be a distant memory and totally worth the end goal. Hugs.

    • I too just want to wrap you up in a giant hug. I want to find a way to reduce your pain. I want to take it all away. I wish I could.
      And like Mamajo, I too wish that someday all of this will be a distant memory and you will get your happy ending, one way or another. Love and hugs to you.

  2. Sending you a big virtual hug x x
    I posted a comment a while back on here as I too was struggling. I’d had a full cycle of Ivf fail and I also had two Fet cancelled as my lining was too thin…, admittedly not to the same scale as you and I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive as mine never got out of the 6s.., sorry I know that’s probably nothing compared to your struggle but I was told time and time again it needed to be 8 plus
    I was sent for hysteroscopy and biopsy that found no problems
    I had no answers and was so lost too
    Then I decided to just go for it
    FET with my lining in the 6s and now I’m 6 months pregnant
    I’m hoping that not too painful for you to read but I just wanted to emphasise that after 3 yrs of trying, 3 surgeries and 4 attempts (one fresh two cancelled and one Fet) it finally worked and it worked against the consultants advices on lining levels
    So I guess I just want to say they are not always right! We are all wonderfully individual! So don’t give up on your new plan of your sisters ability to carry for you x x x x

  3. I can’t imagine how shattering this roller coaster must be on you. It is the cruelest of fates to be constantly kicked when you are already down, to be given hope and then have it just as quickly taken away. You said how you admire people who have learned to accept things for what they are. Regardless of how things turn out, you will find peace one day. You just aren’t there yet. Along my journey I have admired (and hated) people who were “okay” with things because I thought, why can’t that be ME? I simply hadn’t worked through my pain and grief to the stage that allowed me to let go of the future I thought I would have. I hope very much that your dream of a child of your own comes true. I wish that for all of us. It’s never easy coming to the realization that we are (mostly) powerless over such a fundamentally important aspect in our lives.

    Despite all the heartache (and it is endless, I know), don’t forget to come up for air and look at all the beauty you DO have around you. It’s there, we just have to look extra hard sometimes to see it xo

  4. Hi friend. There are no words for something like this. Life is utterly unfair and I just don’t understand why you have to go through all these trials and tribulations. Your sister is an angel for volunteering to do this. And I am so sorry for the setback even with her generous help. You are right that you will know when to stop, so if you don’t feel that it’s time yet, then you just keep pushing on. I just wish that I were closer and could sit down with you, have a nice glass of wine, and give you hugs. <3 I hope that your doctor will give you good news soon.

  5. I believe, I’m standing right besides you believing with you. Your child is out there and I know you will not give up. This is so beautifully written, you are so incredible & you are so strong. You’ve been through more then others will ever imagine and you have gotten this far, I’m saying a little chant to you “keep going …. keep going”!! Sending you a huge hug today xoxoxoxo

  6. My heart hurts for u. Im so sorry that you have to go through all this. Despite the heartache and challenges, I think u are just so amazing to keep pursuing your dream. You are right-where there is a will, there is a way. Someone also told me once to “never give up on something you cant go a day without thinking about.” I try to remember it in the midst of all this IVF and RPL stuff. Hugs and prayers for you 🙏🏽❤️

  7. Oh, that is cruel to have that dangled and then snatched away, but I would say (from a less emotional vantage point) to let this play out some. A too-thick lining seems very simple to address, maybe just a little clean-up is needed after a long time on BCP. I know she’s balking a little because of it, but her feelings may settle too. Try to take a deep breath. I feel like this may still work out! Xoxo

  8. Our collective tears form a river for you. I only hope the current in that river is enough to carry your future child to you. Hugs…

  9. I feel crushed for you. Reading the first part of your post I was feeling so excited for you, I can’t imagine how you feel on such a roller coaster. I don’t know what to say, but I’m sending so much love.

  10. I’m so sorry. I know you are feeling down, and that’s perfectly fine, so I will feel hopeful for you while you’re struggling. That was so generous of your sister and I wouldn’t give up on that just yet. But don’t give up on yourself either. As hard as it is sometimes, don’t give up. xx

  11. I’m sorry all of this hasn’t worked out so far. I was so happy for you when I first started reading. I think since your sister has carried before, the issues she has with her uterine lining and shape are really non-issues. I hope she will be able to do the necessary things soon and that this will still work out. 🙂

  12. I’m so sorry to hear this happened. I am also shocked and angry for you that your sister would do that to you. I know she is your sister but surrogacy is such a rough deal without having someone flake on you like that! I hope that someday we will both have our babies.

  13. *hugs* What a roller coaster of emotions. The first half of your post I was like “yay!”, but the second half I realized the whole “thief” part. My heart goes out to you. I truly hope God brings a resolution to you. Take a day (or 2) to feel sorry for yourself, let your tears out, keep hoping despite the pain. Peace to you 🙂

  14. I support you in whatever you choose to do or choose not to do going forward, but I am happy to hear you want to keep going. I want you to get your baby so BAD! I am so sorry you didn’t get the best news regarding your sister. I know there has got to be someone in your life who is perfect to carry your precious baby if you still want to go that route. Email or call if there is anything I can do to help with questions, just to talk, whatever! Sending you a big hug!

  15. I’ve been reading your blog as I am just about to undergo my first FET and had a precautionary gcsf treatment as my lining was on the thin side. I live in the UK but I’ve been doing my cycles in India (Mumbai) at a leading hospital here, because even with flight tickets, two cycles have worked out to the same cost as one cycle in the UK. Anyway, I haven’t explored surrogacy at present but I met someone at the clinic who has and is really pleased with the standards of care being provided (she’s a doctor herself). Perhaps you would consider a gestational carrier in India? Medical tourism for surrogacy is extremely popular here because it’s cheap and less litigious, and hundreds of couples are doing it. I have friends from the US who took this route after trying every avenue, including open adoption. There are very ethical and reliable/reputable places you can contact with some research. I’m just putting it out there because I see it as my last resort. And as much as I would like to have the experience of carrying my own child, the pragmatic part of me knows that being a mother has nothing to do with carrying a pregnancy – the real work begins after. The fact is that you already have what it takes to be a mother: boundless love for the baby who is put in your arms.

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