I’m going to share something that I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned before on this blog. I’ll explain it in a bit..but here’s the backstory:

I was 7 when my parents divorced and unfortunately, for me, I remember everything. So many times I wished that I never knew my parents together…I wish they divorced when I was like 2…but they didn’t and I remember.

I didn’t quite understand it all. But I knew one thing.

They hated each other.

My Mom and Dad would say the meanest things about one another…to me. I felt so lost during that time. I remember vividly getting so upset one time that I said something extremely profound for a 7 year old…I said…”Dad, when you say mean things about Mom…I am 1/2 of her too…so you’re saying mean things about me…I am 1/2 of BOTH of you….and it makes me sad.”

You would think that would have ended it…that they would have been “grown-ups”….but it didn’t. It continued on…and honestly still does.

So this brings me to my step-mom.

She wasn’t very loving. She didn’t have any children of her own(my Dad had a vasectomy after us). She smoked cigarettes starting at 7am. She drank an entire bottle of wine a day…morning and night.

And that’s what a step-mom was to me.

But here goes……I’m actually a step-mom.

Even when I type that word I cringe a bit…

I never wanted to be a step-mom. But the man that I fell in love with has a child. A little girl.

When I met her, she was only 1. She was a baby. I thought, well, this should be easier because she’s so young. She will always know me in her life. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink heavily. I won’t be like my step-mom and I’ll definitely have a brother or sister for her very soon. They can grow up together and everything will work out.

Well, 5+ years later….she’s 6 now. And still not a brother or sister for her.

And after recently spending some time with her, I realized…I may be her “step-mom” and “mom” might be part of my title but she makes it very clear. When kids at the playground refer to me as her “Mom”, she’s quick to correct them…”She’s not my Mommy”. The kids look confused but she continues playing. Another little girl refers me as her “Mom” and she gets frustrated, shaking her head, saying a little louder, “She’s NOT my Mommy!”

My heart breaks.

I know I am not her Mommy. And I know I will never be.

Which makes not being able to have my own child that much more heartbreaking.

This child, came into this world unplanned. My husband and her mother were not even together for 1 year.

And here I am…sitting here after 5 years…longing and begging for a child that will call ME….”Mommy”.

I want their face to light up with joy when they say those words.

But instead, I get a scowl. I get disappointment. I get, “She’s not my Mommy.”

Infertility is one of the most heartbreaking things that a couple can go through. But going through infertility while watching the product of your husband and his ex…this child they created…grow up….honestly, just devastates me at times.

How this child can come out of a “fling” before we met just kills me.

Why am I in this situation? I know I didn’t have to choose to be with him…I chose him knowing that he had a child. But I thought WE would have a child too.

This is where I am struggling.

We recently sat down and had the “living child free” talk together.

He was extremely open to it. He’s seen how much pain and hurt I have been through these past years. And honestly, the financial burden is a whole other ballgame. It all sucks.

He said, “I am happy with us.” “I love our life.” “I can be happy if it’s just you and me forever.”

And then he said….”Don’t you feel the same way?”

I paused…and said, “No.” “I don’t think I could be happy with just you and me…..because it’s not just you and me.” “You have a daughter.” “You have that part of your life too….someone that calls you Daddy…and that’s what I want too…someone to call me Mommy.”

Honestly, if it was just he and I….I might be able to do it. I might be able to live child-free if it was truly just US……but it’s not…it’s me, him and his daughter…and that’s where it all changes.

So that’s where I am at with living child-free. Some people have recently asked me if that was a possibility and this is the best way that I can describe it. I 100% support those that live child-free, again, if I wasn’t in this situation…it might be an easier decision for me…it might be the decision for me.

So I continue searching for my answers. Doors continue to close. I feel sadness, I feel frustration, I feel desperate…i’ll admit it….I AM DESPERATE.

But I know none of that helps.

So I press on. I’m looking at more surgeries, I’m looking into surrogacy, adoption, I’m still looking into experimental procedures and I will update you all as they progress.

But one thing I know for sure…..I am not giving up on my child that is out there.

Because for me….giving up is a lot harder than trying.

So that’s what I’ll do…keep trying…

To one day be called, “Mommy.”

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