shamrock-lucky-icon

Yep…that’s what someone said to me recently when I opened up about about my struggle to get pregnant.

What? Lucky??

Exactly what I thought. WHAT??

I explained how we went through all of these treatments for over 3 years and I might have to have someone else carry our child.
Her response,” Well, at least you don’t have to ruin your body with a pregnancy. “You are so lucky.”

I could not believe those words came out of her mouth….seriously???

Did she not hear me when I said we’ve been through 9 cycles…3 IVF and 6 FET cycles?? Pretty much hell. And I’ve got nothing to show for it? And now, I have to take another chance and pray that this…ANOTHER huge sacrifice…not being able to carry my child…will lead me to my children?

Unbelievable.

And this….this, my friends, is why sometimes….I just want to keep it all to myself.

One day…I just want to show up with a baby…to just feel “normal” again. I feel like such an outsider 99% of the time. And now, having to have someone else possibly carry my child..one more thing to add to my “luck”

I know life isn’t fair. But wow…I’m just over all of this. I literally don’t want to start the next steps.

I thought not getting pregnant the old fashioned way was tough.

I thought having to make an appt. with an RE was tough.

I thought having 2 HSG’s, 3 Sono HSG’s, 5 abdominal surgeries, 2 hysteroscopies, 3 IVF’s, 6 FET’s, 2 experimental treatments, only one ovary, hydrosalpinx, ruptured appendix, covered in scar tissue, DOR, Crohns, Endometriosis, chronically thin lining, Asherman’s Syndrome, thousands of blood draws and hundreds of fertility injections was tough.

But being told that you can’t carry a child….I think that takes the cake.

I mean……and someone had the audacity to say I’m “lucky”

Wow.

Gets to my heart. How people truly have no idea how much their words hurt and how it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

But this is my life. I didn’t choose it but I have no choice but to keep going. My eye is on the prize.

The steps towards having someone else carry your child…a gestational carrier/surrogate or adoption is OVERWHELMING…to say the least. When people say, “You can always JUST adopt”, I want to rip their head off…I mean…do they not know the hoops you have to jump through? That adoption still costs a TON of money, isn’t “easy” and has emotional implications as well? Just ask My Perfect Breakdown. Following her journey gives me insight into the adoption process…and truly appreciate her sharing the good and the bad.

Either way, surrogacy or adoption, the expense is just too much. The process is just too much. The RE’s really don’t know how to handle it…since not many women have to go the route of surrogacy and it leaves me…once again, feeling alone…and wanting to hide.

I thought having to explain my infertility to others was tough but now, the thought of me having to explain how someone else will carry my child makes me want to run away and start a new life…where I don’t have to do this.

I don’t want to do this. It seriously makes me sick.

Why do I have to be the one that has to explain my infertility and surrogacy to the world?

That’s how it feels.

Why was I one of the chosen ones to do this?

I know I am strong but honestly…I’m not that strong…I just put on a good front…and that’s the truth.

But here I am…writing my story to the world.

My story.

I never dreamed this would be my struggle.

I thought something before this would work…whether it would be charting, timing, taking Clomid, Femara, IUI, IVF, IVF, IVF, ICSI..etc…

But surrogacy or adoption? I never could have dreamed…

And then….literally (as I was typing this) I didn’t know what to write next. I stopped and look at my phone and saw I had an email from someone named Alyssa.

I read her email…and then it all made sense. She wrote such a kind email. She thanked me for my blog and then said:

“Thank you for being the voice for us, the broken mangled couples that struggle to breathe. You are an inspiration and are adored by people you will never meet, you are our voice, comfort and fellow fighter. You help me take the next breath that will bring me strength.”

And that’s why I am here.

That is exactly why I am here.

To be YOUR voice.

If you’ve felt alone, angry, hurt, mangled, lost or want to hide.

I WILL BE YOUR VOICE.

I’ve struggled to accept my infertility.

I never thought I was “lucky.”

But after getting emails like this, from men and women around the world…

I know why I’m here. To share my story.

So I guess I am “lucky” in a way.

Lucky that I have a voice and will fight for us all.

And I am blessed and “lucky” to have found you all…the men and women that support me.

So thank you for that my “Good Luck” charms ๐Ÿ˜‰ You are appreciated more than you know.

 

 

 

0 comment on “You Are So Lucky”

  1. This is a beautifully true post! Well, accept that part about someone who told you were lucky not to have to ruin your body…. Honestly, I will never understand those types of comments. I do believe people say these things without thinking because I hope no-one is actually intentionally that cruel!
    Also, I do believe you are right. You are an amazing women who’s been forced to walk a different and hard path to your family, and sharing about it takes courage and strength, two characteristics that you embody! Emails like the one you received also always give me strength to continue to share. Please know that I too echo her words – you are an amazing women with an amazing voice. I am beyond thankful that I am able to learn from you and to witness your journey unfold. And I too consider myself “lucky” to have met women/men/couples like you on this journey, I am thankful every day for friendships like ours.
    I have nothing but hope, love and best wishes for you my friend!

    • Thank you so so much MPB…it’s all about education really…so tough though when you are trying to educate others and they STILL don’t get it…just gets to be exhausting and that’s when I just want to keep it to myself…or just this blog(which helps a lot because of all of the support ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope you don’t mind I included you in this because I love how open and honest you have been about the adoption process…really eye opening watching you go through it so I appreciate you for that ๐Ÿ™‚ I also have nothing but hope and love for you too my friend…we are on our way…day by day..one step closer ๐Ÿ™‚ xoxo

  2. Definitely your blog is one of the more emotional gut wrenching confessions on infertility. You are very brave and honest and candid about your experiences. It makes me feel sort of “normal” knowing that there are other people struggling with infertility as well. Definitely I don’t feel “lucky” but like you said in a blog post a few weeks ago, there are definitely blessings we can be all thankful for in our lives and infertility doesn’t have to define us.
    A lot of things seemed impossible once I found out about the infertility. It was impossible for me to even consider IVF a few years ago. It was impossible for me to even consider a donor egg a few months ago. But in the the end the main thing I want is a family. People who have been through infertility and gotten their child say that all the hoops you go through are worth it once you have your baby. And you won’t stop until you get your baby so it will all be worth it in the end. But getting to the point where you have someone else carry your child is a pretty difficult process.

    • Thank you alicia…and you are right…the main thing we all want is a family. However it happens, that’s the end result we want…and it’s possible…it’s all possible and I just must keep going until I get there…thank you for your continued support! xoxo

  3. I probably would not have had the strength to keep my thoughts about her very inappropriate comment to myself in the moment. I am so sorry she said such a hurtful and really ridiculous thing to you. I think you are so brave for being open about this and your blog is wonderful. xoxo

    • Thank you meanttobemommy….yes, it was tough but I did let her know that it hurt my feelings…that I would do ANYTHING to be able to carry my child and I pretty much have tried everything….she understood but, honestly, she won’t be hearing anything else until our baby is here…simple as that! Thank you for your support!! xoxo

  4. How in the world did you manage to not say to her that she was a complete and total idiot?! Lucky?! My friend there are a lot of words to cover infertility and lucky doesn’t even rank among them but we are all lucky if this person has taken her own advice and NOT ruined her body with pregnancy… what did she think you were trying to do?! Scratch that. I don’t want to know. Boobs are only for porn.

    • Thank you notmissingmotherhood….I know…she REALLY doesn’t get it….I’m pretty sure she was just caught off guard and didn’t know what to say…NO excuses but you can guarantee I will NOT be sharing anything else with her in the future…like at all..thanks for your support..xoxo

  5. People sometimes just want to share a “silver lining”, but telling you that you’re “lucky” to not ruin your body shows that she walks with those who have fertility privilege- those who don’t see pregnancy and birth as a gift that not everyone has the opportunity to experience. It just sounds super ignorant. You’re justified in feeling how you do. Lucky for you, we’re all here to support you on your journey.

    • Thanks mamaetmaman. I know…I get that they want to be able to say “something” good since most is depressing…I guess I juts need to let people know that I’d rather them not say anything and just give me support. Appreciate your support greatly! Thank you again! xoxo

      • Yeah, we also feel the same way. What my wife started saying after informing people about our miscarriages is that “it’s obviously a really terrible thing. It sucks and there’s nothing to say.” It kind of let’s them off the hook. People usually nod in understanding.

  6. I’ve had so many people tell me “how lucky I am that I don’t have to go through pregnancy or birth”. Well so we thought. I really tried to just ignore it and assume they are “trying and failing” at saying something that might make me feel better? Just keep your head up. Know that you are one brave gal and are going to be such an incredible mother because of all the love you’ve shown your babies with your courage and persistence even before they are here. Big hugs, love. xoxo

    • Thanks Suz…yep…I’m sure you have had these same reactions…I guess I’m now prepared but ugh….so annoying. I am keeping my head up and trying to focus on why I’m doing this…to have my babies…and once they are here I will not care what anyone has to say…lots of love to you and have fun this weekend!!! xoxo

  7. You are an absolutely inspiring woman and I am lucky to have you in my life. You are a voice. Sometimes when I cannot even find the right words, your words seem to just fill that void for me. You get me and so many women can relate to you. You are strong. Sometimes strength isn’t about always putting a smile on and it doesn’t mean you don’t use your dammit doll ๐Ÿ™‚ But sometimes it just means you get up in the morning and quite frankly it had to take a lot of strength not to punch that girl in the face. That’s some serious strength. I received and email tonight too and it made me thankful I share my story here. Even when you don’t realize it, you make a difference. <3

    • As always…you know just what to say ๐Ÿ™‚ I am so lucky to have you and these other wonderful supporters in my life…and yes, I have used that dammit doll…ha! So thank you again for that! I did let her know that I would die to carry my children and that it hurt my feelings…and believe you me…she will not hear one more thing from me about any of this….until I have a baby in my arms…thank you again for you unending support. Just means the world…I hope you know that…thank you! xoxo

  8. Yikes. I can’t imagine why this person actually had the audacity to say something like that… no offense to her but she doesn’t sound like the brightest tool in the shed. Good for you for your restraint. <3

    • Thanks waitingformylittleone…I know…couldn’t believe she said it either…but I explained as much as I could and then dropped it…she doesn’t deserve to hear anymore of my story…thank you for your support!

  9. I found your blog to help me cope with my own infertility… I love that you share your story and journey with everyone so honestly.

    People just don’t think before they say things. Or they hear what they say differently than it comes out.

    I am so sorry that you’ve been put on this path, but you are handling it with so much grace and courage! You are such a strong wonderful person, and I pray that you get your happy ending. You truly deserve it!

    Thank you for being a strong voice for those of us that cannot be strong!

    • Thank you Shannon…I’m so happy I’ve been able to help with your infertility issues. That’s the entire reason I started this blog. I was SO lost when I began that I just wanted someone I could connect with and I’m happy if I’m able to do that for you…I appreciate your kind words and know that I will keep fighting the fight! I’ll be the voice and I will be strong for us all…thank you again! xoxo

  10. I’m sorry she said something so insensitive to you – she clearly didn’t understand your struggle and wasn’t able to empathize. Some people just don’t get it and never will. Anyway, I complete agree with Alyssa’s email – you are a wonderful, strong woman and sharing your story has helped so many others.

    • Thank you so much andthewindscreamsmary…yes, she certainly did not get it…that’s for sure. I’m so happy that Alyssa’s email came when it did because it turned my hurt into a feeling of strength…and being a voice for others going through infertility and maybe that’s why I have to go through all of this…to share and help others along their way…appreciate your sweet words and thanks again for your support! xoxo

    • Thank you Terrakna…yes, this is the reason why some of us stay silent. It’s like right when I’m feeling like I should open up more…someone says something like this and I just want to hide…but I won’t and I’ll keep going…she just will not hear anymore about anything…that’s for sure! Thanks for your support! xoxo

  11. I can’t say anything more than what the ladies above have said. I hate that you’ve had to struggle through everything and that you’ve had to be so strong through so much pain. I hate that somebody had the audacity to say that to you. I’m Thankful you’re willing to share your story and your voice! Sending you lots of love and big hugs!!!

    • Thanks so much! I know…it stinks but I guess I’m kind of getting used to it…people that haven’t been through it REALLY just don’t get it…at all…obviously, she’ll know NOTHING else from here on out and when she sees me again I hope to have a child with me ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thank you for always supporting me and for the hugs…back at ya!! xoxo

  12. There are tears in my eyes as I read this. I am so sorry ๐Ÿ™ I have also received the same comment (multiple times!) when I shared that we needed to go the gestational surrogacy route. “You’re so lucky you don’t have to gain weight/give birth/having morning sickness blah blah blah.” I don’t know WHAT makes people think that this is an acceptable thing to say. I’ve been where you are now, not knowing how to take the next step. it’s hell. I didn’t want to do it either. We actually asked three family members/friends over the course of a year to carry for us first and all three said no. That was also incredibly painful and I thought it was all over. We ended up going with someone we did not know and even though I was terrified by the idea at first, I am so grateful we did it. Tomorrow we will have our first ultrasound and hopefully hear the heartbeat of a little one who would not be in existence if not for surrogacy. I won’t tell you it doesn’t hurt like hell– it is very painful, but I would still make the same decision again and again just to have this chance. I didn’t think I had the strength to get this far, but somehow I am here.

    If you have any questions or just want someone to talk to about surrogacy, I am happy to chat. I did not know a single person who had been through it when I started and there was a lot I did not know or understand that I wish I had. You don’t have to be ready to talk yet, but whenever you are, I’ll be here. In the meantime, I will be praying for your peace and comfort as well as for wisdom in making these decisions. ((hugs)) to you, friend.

    • Oh Ashley…this made me tear up….thank you SO much for your kind words of support and true understanding of all of this. It is so overwhelming that you just don’t know what to do at times. I truly appreciate offering to talk and I might have to take you up on that…my email is dreamingofdiapers@hotmail.com and if you shoot me an email there we can exchange info. I am so happy that things are working out for you…you deserve every single positive thing from here on out…praying that all went well today and good news is on the way…thank you again…appreciate you and your support more than you know….lots of love…xoxo

      • You’re absolutely welcome. Anytime at all, I would be happy to talk. I will send you an email soon so that you have it ๐Ÿ™‚ Also, I don’t know if you read her blog, but I have found one other blogger on here so far who is going through the gestational surrogacy process from the “intended mother” side (she has MRKH syndrome and so was born without a uterus). They are a little further along in their surrogacy journey (early second tri) and she writes honestly about what it has been like for her, both good and bad. If you have not come across her yet, here is her blog: https://mymrkhandhostsurrogacy.wordpress.com/

        I know this is a tough spot to be in and I’ll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers as you navigate through it. I know it doesn’t always feel like it, but you are so strong! I look forward to talking sometime whenever you are ready <3 xoxo

  13. I’m so sorry hun. No decision that involves growing a family non-traditionally is easy. We were considering embryo adoption for a while and trying to explain how much less expensive it was and how hard adoption can be was falling on deaf ears. People try to comprehend, try to wrap their brains around how hard this journey is. But they can’t. So they offer hollow comforts and silver linings and “everything happens for a reason” (one of my least favorite sayings). I think you are strong and there are people out there who need your strong voice to lift them up. Please let us all know what you decide to do. We all support you.

    • Thank you so much ivory…it is tough…and you’re right it falls on deaf ears most of the time…and they can’t comprehend it. Thank you so much for your support and I’ll definitely keep you updated with what happens next…xoxo

  14. It goes to show how shallow she is that she thinks of pregnancy as “ruining”a body anyway! And even shallower for thinking that after all you’ve gone through, you wouldn’t welcome with open arms the most ‘ruined’ body possible. Wow. I’m amazed and saddened that someone could make such a comment to someone who is going through such a life-altering and soul destroying thing as infertility.

    • Thank you thandilocks…yes, I didn’t know she was that shallow…pretty sure she was trying to make a joke out of it(which is WORSE) but still…they just don’t get it. Thank you so much for your support…appreciate it greatly! xoxo

  15. Ugh! Can I hit that woman with a stick?!? Some people are genuinely clueless. Hugs!

    I love your honesty and openness. Thank you for sharing your blog with us!

  16. my close friend told me “at times I’m jealous of you for your infertility issues as you don’t have to deal with the pressure of having a second kid…” I’m still shaking my head…

    • Oh wow Jane Allen…a friend kind of said that to me too…she said well, at least you didn’t want 4 kids like me…and I thought…um…how do you know I didn’t! Arg! I would be shaking my head too…people just don’t get it unless they have been here…thank you for your support! xoxo

  17. I think we should be encouraged to respond “If I’m lucky, then you’re ignorant and hurtful.” That shit is so out of line. Sweet mother of pearl, people need to learn compassion.

    The thing about blogs like this is that they make us all feel less alone, because sadly a lot of us have heard idiotic comments like that. That’s why it is important for us all to share what we’re going through– even the ugly parts.

    • Thank you thecommonostrich…yes, I very well should have responded that way…she won’t be hearing anything else from me again…like ever….and yes…I just adore my blog friends…we all have a bond that others not dealing with infertility could ever understand…thank you for your support! xoxo

  18. I am so, so angry for you. This is one of the worst comments to hear. I want to punch her in her stupid face.
    Unfortunately I have way too much experience of that particular comment. The number of times that women have told me I’m lucky because I have no womb therefore no period and that I’m lucky I don’t have to experience birth or pregnancy. It hurts every time and it doesn’t stop hurting.
    All these women are doing however is showing themselves up as being heartless, compassionless fools who have no idea how lucky they are in fact to have the fertile privilege they have, and to have the choice to go through pregnancy and birth (and have a period that gives them that choice) because if they were in your situation, or mine, they would very quickly realise how fucking lucky they are.
    Sending you hugs. xxxx

    • Thank you so much Arwen. I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of insensitive comments..I could only imagine. And you are right, they have NO idea how lucky they are to have the privilege to carry their child. Thank you and congrats…your baby is on the way…so exciting! Appreciate the hugs and support! xoxo

  19. I agree with everyone else! Seriously, Omg, the “you’re so lucky” comment always makes me want to go all stabbity, and usually it’s from someone who just seemed to very easily ‘pop out’ a couple of kids and hardly act like they even want them. Ugh.

    Hugs to you.

  20. Thank you thank you thank you!! I’ve been looking for a blog that actually reflects how I feel. This is so hard and hard to live with and hard to explain. So thank you for being braver than I and sharing what it truly feels like to be going through it all but still be required to be a normal functioning human being in this world.

  21. My god…some people… seriously I wonder what she would say to a woman who lost her hair during chemotherapy : “At least you don’t have to struggle with your hairdo” ? or “think about all the money you’ll save on barbers”. I wish you a lot of patience and strength to cope with such socially dysfunctional people. Cheers – http://www.eggdonationfriends.com

  22. I can’t believe someone would tell you that you’re lucky because you won’t have stretch marks or some extra weight to burn off. I’m entering my first IVF right now, and it is already such a hardship. I cannot imagine all that you’ve gone through. Hearing I was in DOR and early menopause at 26 was hard enough. My prayers go out to you. There is a way. God will provide!

    • Thank you Jenn. I know it seems unreal, right? But a LOT of people don’t get it or they get uncomfortable and don’t know what to say…I’m not making excuses…AT ALL…but uneducated and have no clue. Prayers back at you and God will provide…I believe as well ๐Ÿ™‚ xoxo

  23. Keep up the good work! You are helping others in an area that tears your heart out the most! You are very brave!

  24. Oh wow! That comment! Yikes! It just goes to show her ignorance of infertility or her ability to know what to say in uncomfortable situations. But ya know what? You are handling it so well and with so much grace!

  25. “Mangled” is the perfect way to describe how a couple dealing with infertility feels. Like you are deformed somehow, and you know you will never stop wanting a child, but buying into the lie that you may not deserve to be. So much hurt on a daily basis!

  26. I’ve struggled for four years with infertility. When I’ve confessed to it to some of my friends who say they never want children, sometimes they tell me, “You should be happy. The world’s overpopulated anyway.”

    Well, I should really say more of ex-friends. How lacking could they be in sense?

    What’s ironic is while all of them say they never want kids, not one of them would ever give up their fertility.

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