Wish

Sometimes, you really have to step back.

And give yourself a “reality check”.

I was forced to do this, this past weekend.

I tear up even writing about it.

If you read my post, Do You Believe in Miracles, you’ll have the back story. This story is the reason why I keep going.

Dealing with infertility is horrible. It’s beyond anything I can compare it to. It hurts. Beyond that, it is all consuming and constant disappointment. I know most of you reading understand..it just sucks.

At times, I feel like…can I really keep going? After all of the surgeries, IVF’s, FET’s, experimental treatments, 2nd opinions, 3rd opinions…can I go through more cycles, more debt? Doctors telling me to just give up, it’s not going to happen. Over 3 years and tons of credit card debt…my stomach aches, my heart is broken and my body is defeated…my mind exhausted and sad.

And then, I stop and open my eyes and heart to the world around me….and I’m brought back to reality.

To the reality that I have a wonderful life. What am I complaining about?

This weekend, I attended my friends, sons 1st birthday party. The miracleΒ baby. This miracle though didn’t come without a tragedy. For 8 years they tried for a child..and their dream came true…but their nightmare also took over. His father, her husband, passed away before she even found out she was pregnant.

I thought to myself, here I am, celebrating this baby boy, who will never meet his father. His mother a widow from the day she received her BFP. She buried her husband on a Tuesday and saw those 2 pink lines on a Friday. No one to surprise. No one to celebrate with…no one by her side. I remember her telling me that she wished for this child. She said, though, that if it was a choice between her husband and her having a child she would have chosen her husband. How sad that because of the way her wish came true she has to think this way? Her husband was taken away from her at the exact moment the child she’s always dreamed of was created….unbelievable.

Can you even imagine that?

And doesn’t your pain now seem just a little less?

Another story that hit me and encouraged me to write this piece is a woman named Athena Krueger. I was actually writing another post…feeling bad for myself…and then happened on this article.

Once again, brought me back to reality.

This woman got pregnant easily…within the first 2 months of trying (isn’t that something we all wish for here?) But what happened weeks after she found out…makes you question, what is really important in life? She found a lump. While she was pregnant. She received the news that she had breast cancer. Had to go through chemo….while she was pregnant. She delivered her baby girl…early…but safe. She recently celebrated her 1st birthday…a huge tea party celebration….and then the baby’s mother, Athena, passed away the very next day.

I mean, are my problems really problems now? Sure, it’s not the way I want things to happen…but at least I have choices….and I have my life…my future…more wishes…

I couldn’t stop the tears and more for my selfish mind. I felt so ungrateful for everything I have been given in my life. Sure, it hasn’t been easy but my gosh…these women..these families…and what they are going through…I just can’t imagine….

So, no, I don’t feel bad for myself…and I won’t.

I must remind myself that this life…is precious. Every part of life is truly a gift. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hard times, the good times, the tough times….precious.

I’ve felt myself slipping away during this “cloud” of infertility over these years. Every year, I’ve taken less pictures. Every year, I start dreading the holidays. Every year, I lose more friends because they become pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th child. Every year, I have the same wish on my birthday…to be pregnant and deliver a healthy child…every…single…year.

What do these families I mentioned get to wish for now? They can’t wish for their loved one to be brought back to life…what do they wish for?

I am thankful for my wish. For my ability to wish for what I want. I am thankful that I even have a wish that is still possible.

Infertility may have not been a part of my plan. But none of these tragedies were a part of their plan either.

I have a wonderful life. Infertility and all. I won’t take for granted the life I’ve been given.

I encourage everyone who reads this to take a step back.

Stop complaining.

Write down all of the wonderful things that life has given you.

And remember it ALL.

Because some people, right at this moment are wishing for all of those things you have on your list.

Some people are simply wishing forΒ one thing on your list…maybe the one you take most for granted.

Don’t let infertility rob you of appreciating your wish list…the list that came true.

Because others don’t get that chance…

Just remember that the next time you want to complain about anything really..

Life is good…and you have more wishes…that could come true….and isn’t that a beautiful gift?

 

 

43 Comments on What Are You Wishing For?

  1. I think you make such an excellent point today, we really do need to try to look at our lives outside of infertility and what’s missing a bit more often. Now that I am not living in the teaches in quite the same way as we did for so long, I realize more and more just unhealthy I was during that time. It was all about what I didn’t have and what I wanted, yet there are so many wonderful things that I did and do have. Sometimes it’s really therapeutic to literally count our blessings. Because as much as I hate to say it, it can always be worse.
    Also, I should not have read this post right before walking into a meeting!

    • Thank you MPB…I know how hard it is to think this way…but I HAD to change my outlook on life. Just like you said…so unhealthy…and I felt my body, literally, falling apart. I changed my mindset and it has helped wonders! I don’t focus on IF and I’m just..seriously…truly believing that it will all work out. Not HOW it will work out….just that it will. Very simple…and then all is good πŸ™‚ So glad you are out of the trenches…our stories are being written as we speak…and I cannot wait to get to find out what happens…xoxo

  2. Beautiful! Thank you for reminding me that life could always be worse! I try and remind myself of that but I excuse myself to have pity parties despite it. This definitely helped me open my eyes. I hope I can always see the silver lining to every dark rain cloud and realize that my blessings far outweigh my curse of infertility. (Or as you put it “Almost Pregnant”)

    • Thank you Tiffany…yes..isn’t it so true. I found myself complaining and being sad for myself 90% of my days…and when I actually looked around and saw my blessings..I thought…what is wrong with me?? I have so much to be thankful for…and when I attended the party and read the article I knew I had to blog about it…appreciate your support! xoxo

  3. It’s good to keep perspective. My husband reminds me that our life is pretty good. There are a lot worse things than not being able to have a baby. It’s hard to appreciate all the good things though because infertility is such an emotional journey and if you are proactive Type A personality you want to solve the infertility issues instead of smelling the roses and relaxing.
    I am just at the beginning of the infertility journey. Just been dealing with it for about 5 months, and it can be overwhelming. Even if you do try to continue with your life and meet up with friends and go on vacation, it is good to have a safe place to vent. I think that your complaining has helped a lot of people because they know that they are not alone dealing with these issues.
    You have been through a lot so it is probably definitely time for you to take a break and recharge and get back in touch with your happiness.

    • Thanks alicia3234….just taking it day by day now…and appreciated the life that I have…it will all work out…I really believe that…so I’m just going to keep believing until it happens…appreciate your support! xo

  4. This is so very true!! I think of this often because you never know when someone in your family may be taken away too soon. Everyone is dealing with something in their life. It may “look” perfect on the outside but totally different when you dig a little deeper. Thank you so much for this reminder. Prayers for you as well on this infertility journey.

    • Thank you Amie…you are right…people may “look” perfect from the outside…but others have no idea what’s going on…I appreciate my life and I’m just trying to continue to appreciate it through all of this IF business….one step at a time…I feel like it will all be ok soon….thank you! xo

  5. This is an incredible post and it came at just the right time. We are dealing with yet another negative transfer and now on a course to take a break from treatment to enjoy the amazing life we have. We try to remind ourselves each day how wonderful the world is beyond the disappointment of infertility. This truly strengthens our outlook. Thank you for the beautiful post!

    • Thank you KLA…I understand with the negative transfers…I get it…it is heartbreaking but we must not forget what we have and that’s why I had to write this. I was feeling so down on myself after all of my “failures” but I have so many wonderful things in my life that it made me step back…truly appreciate your support! xoxo

  6. Yes!!!!!!!! There is so much going on in this world that are worse than not currently having a child. SO much! I love this because it reminds us to be thankful for what we do have!!!! So so so good! Triple like

    • Thank you Caroline…YES! Back at ya! It just hit me….and I had to write this post. I just thought…wow…what is wrong with me? I am so blessed….thank you Lord for all of my blessings! Appreciate your support and I LOVE all of your pics from Costa…makes me want to go back!!!! xoxo

    • Thank you Surviving Infertility! I know…it’s tough…I’ve felt bad for myself many times throughout all of this…especially when it seems like everyone else is able to move on…I feel like I’ve been here FOREVER…just want a break…and then when I look at the rest of my life…it puts it all in perspective…and I am thankful…thank you for your support! xoxo

  7. Some days I find this much easier than others. I try to always remember that things could be worse. But I am notorious for not letting myself feel bad about things that I have a right to feel bad about. It’s just a delicate balance. After my miscarriage I let myself feel down for a few days before reminding myself it could be worse. Glad you are looking on the bright side. Did you find a doctor to do the process you wanted?

    • Thank you…I agree it is harder some days than others…such a balance…and unfortunately no, there isn’t a Dr. willing to perform the procedure πŸ™ There is one Dr. in Greece but I’m not sure if that’s possible right now…thank you for remembering and asking…one day at a time we will figure this out..xoxo

  8. I often find my life more bearable when I think of other people who are even less fortunate, however “fortune” is always seen from our own point of view and it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t feel sad because someone’s situation is even worse. Anyway it’s very good you are still aware you have a good life and you take the happiness you already have πŸ™‚ Cheers! http://www.eggdonationfriends.com

    • Thank you George..it’s hard to remember the good things in your life when you are focusing on the one thing that isn’t happening…thanks for your support! Cheers back at ya! πŸ™‚

  9. Thank you for writing this! Yes! We must hold on to what we do have and our wishes, hopes, dreams, desires, and prayers to all be fulfilled!

    In the news last week, there is a story of a woman who held on to her wishes. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy at the age of 65! Her very first child after trying for 46 years to have a baby! We must keep wishing and be glad we can! We must be grateful for every blessing we have!

    xoxo – Sara

  10. This is such a good reminder! It is so easy to get caught up in infertility. I think I wasted way too much time letting it take over my life. Easy to say now. I still often think how horrible it was to go through all the failed cycles and how grateful I am now to be out of it. It is just wrong anyone has to go through what we do. Still, as I watch my BIL with brain cancer, it has made me more grateful for things I take for granted like being able to walk and to see. Too often I don’t appreciate all that I have. Thank you for the reminder! I hope you are doing well! Let me know how everything is going!

    • Thanks Jen…I know right? I keep thinking about how much energy I’m wasting on being sad and I just need to snap out of it…life is good and I’m going to figure it out! I see you and I think…I will get there too!! πŸ˜‰ Nothing too exciting happening yet but I will let ya know when it does! Lots of love to you all and Baby C!! xoxo

  11. Youre very right about being gratefull, i recently suffered a 2 nd misscariage after my 3rd fresh round of ivf, i can tell you first hand how all consuming infertilty and treatments are, how isolated you feel, because everyone you know and their cousin is pregnant when thats all you wanted sonce you can remember, what keeps me focused and grounded is i am gratefull for everything , that others would dream of and that what gets me through, i feel your pain and i wish and pray that you get your dream very soon, all the best, you are not alone

    • Thank so much Ayesha…yes, you understand and get it. It’s hard to remember to be grateful during these tough times but it helps you get through them. Thank you for your support and I wish us both to have our dreams come true soon…xoxo

  12. Hi! I found your blog by chance, while searching for IVF blogs in English… I needed something new to read because I already know all the Italian blogs about IVF πŸ™‚ It’s weird. I’m out of this world now. I have a son, a baby boy, thanks to IVF (ICSI, 4 cycles). I became a mom last November, but I don’t feel like a “normal” mom and I prefer to talk with women who are going through the same hell I experienced rather than moms who became pregnant without even wanting it. I don’t know if it’s clear what I’m trying to say!
    Anyway, I love your blog. You’re going through a lot and I really appreciate what you said in this post.
    I think you, all the women who are dealing with infertility, have all the right to complain. You know, there will always be someone who is suffering more than you in the world; that doesn’t mean that you are not in pain, does it?
    At the same time, you’re right. Your life is good, you need to try and be happy, even without children (but I really hope that you will have one very soon!).
    It takes some time to realize it, though… It’s not that easy. I think I found this inner peace sometime between my third and fourth embryo transfer πŸ™‚
    I’ll follow your blog. I wish you good luck and cross my fingers for you.
    Hugs from Italy

    • Thanks evassj. I’m glad you found me! And I’m so happy to hear that you were able to have your son πŸ™‚ Gives a lot of people hope to hear stories like yours. Thanks again and I appreciate your support! xoxo

  13. Hey! I love your blog. I suffer from a similar lining issue. I’d love to email off here as I can’t work it all out on here.
    More about me, I’m in the UK, had thin huge lining issues and premature menopause, so the donor egg ivf didn’t work. Had two wonderful but challenging surrogacy journies and have two gorgeous boys. Considering trying one last donor egg ivf cycle with stem cells to increase lining……..just thinking about it at this stage……..lots of love

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