hope

If this is my nightmare…

I will gladly take it.

Yes…you heard me right…..I will gladly take it. I’ll take it all.

If at the end of this misery, I am able to have healthy children, free of cancer, free of hurt, free of tragedy…I will bear this burden.

It breaks my heart to see children and families broken due to the tragedies I listed above…lives taken too early. Families left with their hearts broken for a lifetime. I don’t know if I could deal with it. Could I continue on? I just don’t know.

But this is what I do know. No matter how much heartbreak, disappointment, tragedy, pain, burden, ect, I am going through right now…I know I can handle it. ALL.

It may not be what I want, when I want it or how I want it to happen but I can only hope and pray that this….THESE moments that I am going through and have gone through over the years…this will be my only tragedy in regards to my children: The struggle and tragedy bringing them into this world.

I often believe that God keeps bringing me to this belief..this faith. The faith that ALL of this….it’s all part of the plan. That this is the “really tough” part I’m going through…right now. Not later.  He continues to remind me that this is the way that I am going to be able to have children. Through this process…..but once it happens…it will be more than I had ever dreamed of. More than I could have ever asked for…

And instead of thinking of all of these failed cycles, delayed cycles, thin lining, surgeries, lost embryos, defeat, sadness and more defeat…

I think…I’ll take it now. I’ll go through it all now so that once I have my children..I’ve already battled the storm of the century.

Now, I know, children are a lot of work…I’m not talking about that but I am talking about what I am feeling now. If you’ve been battling infertility for a while…I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. It’s hard to explain really. It encompasses so much. But I’ll try…..

For me it’s like struggling to breathe for air under water while others are swimming around you with life preservers.

Where’s my life preserver?

Everyone should have a life preserver….why didn’t I get one? I need it…I really do. How much longer can I tread water? I’m strong but gosh…I need a break.

I’ve always had nightmares about tidal waves. I’ve had them all my life and I never understood why.

I think I know why now.

This nightmare called infertility is my tidal wave.

It was unexpected. It’s terrifying. It’s bigger than I ever imagined it. It could destroy me.

But at the end of my nightmare, every time I’ve had it, I’ve survived. I see all of the destruction around me and what I went through but somehow…I survived the tidal wave.

Against all odds. I survived.

And that’s how I feel about infertility.

Against all odds. I’ll survive.

Watch me.

Because if I can survive this nightmare called infertility…you can too.

Step-by-step, day-by-day, side-by-side.

We WILL survive this nightmare….together.

 

 

 

39 Comments on This Nightmare Called Infertility

    • Thank you so much mamaetmaman! I love that you wrote “we will be more empathetic” because of it. So true…I will always have a place in my heart for the women dealing with infertility…even after I have my children. Lots of love to you and your baby….been thinking of you lots and hoping for wonderful news soon…xoxo

  1. you’re a very strong person. and you are so right. infertility really is a feeling. for me it’s like a weight on my chest and shoulders and it’s always just.. there. keep on girl!

  2. Love this post. You are such an inspiration. A survivor. No doubt about it. You will survive this and come out on the other side with babies in your arm, I know it. I will be cheering front and center when you do! Big hugs, my friend. xoxo

    • Thank you Suz. You are my inspiration…you know that…I’ve got to survive this…I guess, I’m just so determined that I will not stop until I have my children in my arms…simple as that. Thank you for always supporting me and being there when I need you. You are a life saver sista 😉 Thinking of you and your babies…cannot wait to meet them…lots of love back at you!! xoxo

    • Thanks Elisha!! Appreciate you and your inspiration posts too! You are SO good with that and keeping our eyes on the prize…our babies! I just can’t wait until the day I see pics of all of us with our children….I can almost see it…and I know it will happen….on His time…I will wait! Lots of love to you! xoxo

  3. Yes! We will survive this! We will get through all of this together. I am beyond thankful that I have friends like you at my side, somehow these friendships make it so much more bearable. Love to you my friend!

    • Me too MPB! So happy to have found you! It is a struggle…every, single day…but with friends like you here…it really does make it better….the situation we are in stinks but I am so thankful to have found women like you through it all! Love back at ya!! xoxo

    • Ha! Thanks Dawn…yes…WE will survive! As the days go on, I’m somehow more excited because I’m one day closer to meeting my child…however he or she comes to me…we are going to get through this! xoxo

  4. That’s the spirit! It is very important to accept the struggle, realize that not everything will go as planned and simply tell yourself “Hey, I’m going to make it, I will try and I will survive”
    Hope the best for you! Cheers

  5. I read this post this earlier, but couldn’t respond, but wanted to say your resilience is one of your most beautiful traits. My favorite line, “Against all odds. I’ll survive. Watch me.” Yes.. you will survive. You have survived. When I look at everything you’ve faced I know with certainty that there would not be many people standing. But you are still standing and standing with so much grace, love, and hope. Another beautiful post. <3

    • Thanks so much…your words mean so much to me….my BFF of the cyber-world 🙂 I just know that I don’t have any other choice. I have to keep going and going and going. Not only for myself but to show other women that it can be done. You are doing the same. One day we will be posting pictures of our babies…not to “show them off” but to show them as a sign of unconditional love, determined strength and unwavering devotion to their existence…it will happen. Lots of love and strength to you…always appreciate your support! xoxo

  6. You really are so strong! Everything you feel is so normal, but it will be all worth it! Please don’t hesitate to call if you need/want to talk. It was great talking with you! I can’t wait for you to get that life preserver! You will soak in and love every moment when you do!

  7. Wow. I’ve just read through your blog today after preparing to go through our first IVF cycle. This process has sucked big time and I’ve never read anything that describes the feelings of infertility better than this(and I mean the whole blog, not just this post). Thank you for sharing your journey and I’m praying hard for you!!!!

    • Thanks so much Tiffany! That’s the entire reason why I decided to start this blog…to help others who felt the same way and going through the same experiences…and that…even through a TON of disappointments…that I’ve shared along the way on here…I’m still alive and I will not stop until I’m holding my babies…simple as that. Best of luck with your cycle and thank you again for your support! xoxo

  8. Thank you for sharing! I really needed this at the exact moment I read it! We will survive and live to tell the tales while enjoying every diaper, tear, and temper tantrum! ❤️

  9. I just wanted to say I completely relate to your statement/belief that you WILL have your babies one way or another. I felt the same way and recently gave birth to my IVF miracle in March. Took us 8 years!! The moment I saw her I knew it was all meant to be and that I was suddenly grateful for all of the pain and heartache–the journey is what brought this perfect child to me. Your journey will end the same way, unfortunately we just can’t choose how or when. Hugs to you fellow infertile

    • Thanks Nootsie81. So wonderful to hear that you had your IVF miracle after 8 years! Congrats and I know that one day, I will be holding my miracle too…just when it’s the right time. Thank you again for your support and enjoy that baby of yours 🙂 xoxo

  10. You described exactly how I am feeling. There are times when I feel like I am drownding. Even though we have just started our journey it feels like an eternity.

  11. I know this is an old post, but this was really what I needed to read today. My husband and I have been TTC for 2 years now. We got diagnosed with unexplained infertility last May and started with treatments. We did our first IUI in June and got our first ever bfp on June 30. Unfortunately on August 5 at 9wks we lost the heartbeat and our baby was behind in growth. It wasn’t until I read you post about having faith not hope that I realized I too was putting everything into hoping and not just trusting and having faith that this is Gods plan for us it may be a tough season in life but we will get through it with God in our corner. I know that he has an awesome reason for putting us through this storm.

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