Month: May 2015

What Are You Wishing For?


Sometimes, you really have to step back.

And give yourself a “reality check”.

I was forced to do this, this past weekend.

I tear up even writing about it.

If you read my post, Do You Believe in Miracles, you’ll have the back story. This story is the reason why I keep going.

Dealing with infertility is horrible. It’s beyond anything I can compare it to. It hurts. Beyond that, it is all consuming and constant disappointment. I know most of you reading just sucks.

At times, I feel like…can I really keep going? After all of the surgeries, IVF’s, FET’s, experimental treatments, 2nd opinions, 3rd opinions…can I go through more cycles, more debt? Doctors telling me to just give up, it’s not going to happen. Over 3 years and tons of credit card debt…my stomach aches, my heart is broken and my body is defeated…my mind exhausted and sad.

And then, I stop and open my eyes and heart to the world around me….and I’m brought back to reality.

To the reality that I have a wonderful life. What am I complaining about?

This weekend, I attended my friends, sons 1st birthday party. The miracle baby. This miracle though didn’t come without a tragedy. For 8 years they tried for a child..and their dream came true…but their nightmare also took over. His father, her husband, passed away before she even found out she was pregnant.

I thought to myself, here I am, celebrating this baby boy, who will never meet his father. His mother a widow from the day she received her BFP. She buried her husband on a Tuesday and saw those 2 pink lines on a Friday. No one to surprise. No one to celebrate with…no one by her side. I remember her telling me that she wished for this child. She said, though, that if it was a choice between her husband and her having a child she would have chosen her husband. How sad that because of the way her wish came true she has to think this way? Her husband was taken away from her at the exact moment the child she’s always dreamed of was created….unbelievable.

Can you even imagine that?

And doesn’t your pain now seem just a little less?

Another story that hit me and encouraged me to write this piece is a woman named Athena Krueger. I was actually writing another post…feeling bad for myself…and then happened on this article.

Once again, brought me back to reality.

This woman got pregnant easily…within the first 2 months of trying (isn’t that something we all wish for here?) But what happened weeks after she found out…makes you question, what is really important in life? She found a lump. While she was pregnant. She received the news that she had breast cancer. Had to go through chemo….while she was pregnant. She delivered her baby girl…early…but safe. She recently celebrated her 1st birthday…a huge tea party celebration….and then the baby’s mother, Athena, passed away the very next day.

I mean, are my problems really problems now? Sure, it’s not the way I want things to happen…but at least I have choices….and I have my life…my future…more wishes…

I couldn’t stop the tears and more for my selfish mind. I felt so ungrateful for everything I have been given in my life. Sure, it hasn’t been easy but my gosh…these women..these families…and what they are going through…I just can’t imagine….

So, no, I don’t feel bad for myself…and I won’t.

I must remind myself that this life…is precious. Every part of life is truly a gift. The good, the bad, the ugly, the hard times, the good times, the tough times….precious.

I’ve felt myself slipping away during this “cloud” of infertility over these years. Every year, I’ve taken less pictures. Every year, I start dreading the holidays. Every year, I lose more friends because they become pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th child. Every year, I have the same wish on my birthday…to be pregnant and deliver a healthy child…every…single…year.

What do these families I mentioned get to wish for now? They can’t wish for their loved one to be brought back to life…what do they wish for?

I am thankful for my wish. For my ability to wish for what I want. I am thankful that I even have a wish that is still possible.

Infertility may have not been a part of my plan. But none of these tragedies were a part of their plan either.

I have a wonderful life. Infertility and all. I won’t take for granted the life I’ve been given.

I encourage everyone who reads this to take a step back.

Stop complaining.

Write down all of the wonderful things that life has given you.

And remember it ALL.

Because some people, right at this moment are wishing for all of those things you have on your list.

Some people are simply wishing for one thing on your list…maybe the one you take most for granted.

Don’t let infertility rob you of appreciating your wish list…the list that came true.

Because others don’t get that chance…

Just remember that the next time you want to complain about anything really..

Life is good…and you have more wishes…that could come true….and isn’t that a beautiful gift?



This Nightmare Called Infertility


If this is my nightmare…

I will gladly take it.

Yes…you heard me right…..I will gladly take it. I’ll take it all.

If at the end of this misery, I am able to have healthy children, free of cancer, free of hurt, free of tragedy…I will bear this burden.

It breaks my heart to see children and families broken due to the tragedies I listed above…lives taken too early. Families left with their hearts broken for a lifetime. I don’t know if I could deal with it. Could I continue on? I just don’t know.

But this is what I do know. No matter how much heartbreak, disappointment, tragedy, pain, burden, ect, I am going through right now…I know I can handle it. ALL.

It may not be what I want, when I want it or how I want it to happen but I can only hope and pray that this….THESE moments that I am going through and have gone through over the years…this will be my only tragedy in regards to my children: The struggle and tragedy bringing them into this world.

I often believe that God keeps bringing me to this belief..this faith. The faith that ALL of this….it’s all part of the plan. That this is the “really tough” part I’m going through…right now. Not later.  He continues to remind me that this is the way that I am going to be able to have children. Through this process…..but once it happens…it will be more than I had ever dreamed of. More than I could have ever asked for…

And instead of thinking of all of these failed cycles, delayed cycles, thin lining, surgeries, lost embryos, defeat, sadness and more defeat…

I think…I’ll take it now. I’ll go through it all now so that once I have my children..I’ve already battled the storm of the century.

Now, I know, children are a lot of work…I’m not talking about that but I am talking about what I am feeling now. If you’ve been battling infertility for a while…I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. It’s hard to explain really. It encompasses so much. But I’ll try…..

For me it’s like struggling to breathe for air under water while others are swimming around you with life preservers.

Where’s my life preserver?

Everyone should have a life preserver….why didn’t I get one? I need it…I really do. How much longer can I tread water? I’m strong but gosh…I need a break.

I’ve always had nightmares about tidal waves. I’ve had them all my life and I never understood why.

I think I know why now.

This nightmare called infertility is my tidal wave.

It was unexpected. It’s terrifying. It’s bigger than I ever imagined it. It could destroy me.

But at the end of my nightmare, every time I’ve had it, I’ve survived. I see all of the destruction around me and what I went through but somehow…I survived the tidal wave.

Against all odds. I survived.

And that’s how I feel about infertility.

Against all odds. I’ll survive.

Watch me.

Because if I can survive this nightmare called infertility…you can too.

Step-by-step, day-by-day, side-by-side.

We WILL survive this nightmare….together.