Month: April 2015

IVF #3- I Kept It To Myself

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I had a LOT of hope for IVF #3

I mean…I had already been through 2 other IVF’s and 6 cancelled FET’s. I’ve spent more time in my RE’s office than some of the nurses…not kidding. So this IVF #3 was going to be it. We were finally going to give everything we’ve got. My lining had been the best it’s ever looked during an IVF cycle and we were also going to try the GCSF wash. Which worked on MANY women with my problem of chronically thin lining. I was hopeful. O.k….I was beyond hopeful. I was confident that finally it was my time to hear some good news.

Finally time for a transfer.

Then it all came falling down.

I had 9 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 6 fertilized and then 0 made it…what?

Here I was crying all along for my thin lining and didn’t even pray for my precious embryos. Why, why was I not thankful for those 9 eggs?

It actually haunts me. And I think it always will.

How selfish can I be to cry after retrieval because my lining was still thin but so ungrateful for those 9 eggs? What was wrong with me?? How many women would die for 9 eggs…and I cry. And then they were gone. Just like that.

After retrieval I continued to have hope for my lining though. I went ahead and did the PIO shots to prepare for a transfer. Because we did another GCSF wash during retrieval, I thought…well, if it gets up to close to 6mm I think I should still try to transfer one of my precious frozen embryos. Why I thought this….I have NO clue. No one in their right mind would transfer in a 4.4mm lining on trigger day. I mean NO ONE. Why was I feeling compelled to try? Because of the GCSF? Because I went through ALL of this crap and thousands upon thousands of dollars again for nothing? Because I have been on this journey for way too long without EVER having a transfer? I was impatient. I felt myself getting anxious and overwhelmed.

But yet…I had hope. I know miracles happen every day. A miracle could happen to me.

And so we did it.

On transfer day my RE said my lining looked “pretty”…what? It had gotten close to 6mm so there was hope and I was at peace.

We transferred one of our precious highly graded frozen embryos from my Jan.2014 cycle on March 31.

I was PUPO. And I was happy.

I’ve never even had an opportunity to feel PUPO. My tubes have always been blocked. I only have one, sleepy ovary and I’ve NEVER had a transfer so there was hope.

I happily did the PIO shots for the past 10 days. I didn’t care about any of the pain of my failed IVF cycle with no embryos because maybe, just maybe I am pregnant and I wouldn’t have to worry about that. Maybe God is showing me that I didn’t need all of those embryos and that this one….this chosen embryo is going to be my baby. Finally my take home baby.

So, I didn’t test. I waited for the call today.

I went in at 9am for my blood draw. What was taking so long?

3PM.

One of my sweet nurses. I knew before she even spoke.

“I’m sorry, it’s negative”

And that’s that.

No miracle for me.

I believed in miracles.

I believed it could happen to me.

I believed.

But I was wrong.

Not now.

So, here I am. An absolutely failed IVF cycle #3. Nothing to show for it except the credit card bills that we will be paying for the next year.

How about that….getting absolutely nothing and having to still pay for it?

Wow.

Reality check.

And once again…it only shows me that I have NO control over this.

I try to control things in my life. I’ve done that my entire life…and I’ve been pretty good at it.

If I have my eye on something…I’ll find a way to get it.

But this.

This is different.

I guess I can’t do that.

And I’m trying to accept it.

Through these ugly…and I mean, if you all could see me now…UGLY tears that are streaming down my face, I’ve lost all control.

And it doesn’t feel good.

But through all of this, I am still thankful.

I don’t know how…but I keep going back to my sweet husband.

Who when I called and let him know the news said, “It will be o.k. WE will get through this”

Yes we will.

At this moment. I don’t know how. I don’t even know how I’m going to get through this day.

But I know I will. And life goes on.

So that’s that friends.

I’m sorry I kept this secret from you.

I was embarrassed.

And still am.

But I said I would tell you all everything…and this is everything.

The good, the bad and the UGLY(tears).

All here.

I appreciate you all. You keep me going and you encourage me to continue on this torturous journey.

It is a journey I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

Yet it is my life.

I know I always end my posts with something positive and encouraging but this time I will just leave you with my heart.

My heart is hurting and it is broken.

You all have my heart and I can only pray that I will survive this heartache.

Thank you all for your continued support.

You have no idea how much each and every one of you mean to me.

Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom…I mean, the bottom of my broken heart.

 

 

 

 

IVF #3-Results

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So I left you all last week with some pretty good news….9 eggs retrieved and 6 eggs fertilized. I was so happy with that number. Of course, the one issue that I always have is chronically thin lining…and it was still thin. I feel like no matter what I do…it just won’t grow and it is beyond frustrating.

But I decided to focus on the good. I mean 6 fertilized eggs….so happy 🙂

And then all changed in an instant.

They were gone.

By day 3, all 6….gone.

As my RE told me…I just sat numb.

And then of course tears(strength crumbled)

Here, I had been crying all along for my thin lining….and now…more tears for no embryos.

For a 3rd time. All of this work. All of this planning. All of this money. All of this time. All of this pain. All of this emotion. All of this hope.

All gone.

I’m still in shock.

And to be completely honest I am beyond devastated.

I’ve tried and tried and tried to be so strong on this journey…but I just can’t right now.

So that’s all friends. I needed to update you all. You have been there for me through all of this nightmare and I appreciate each and every one of you. I just need a break from all of this. I need to breathe and I need to heal.

Thank you again for your support and congrats to you all who have gotta positive news. I am truly happy for you. Honestly, to me it just means that there’s more happiness out there and my time will come…I know this. I know one day I will be a part of it…but for now, I’m not and I just need to breathe.

Thank you for understanding and I’ll be thinking of each and every one of you.