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Yep, it still hurts.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially…just hurts.

Not to mention that those progesterone shots…they left big bruises and STILL really hurt. Just another reminder of something that is not.

I’ll admit it friends. I have fallen into a deep, dark hole of helplessness.

After 9 cycles (3 IVF, 6 FET)…I just don’t know what else to do. I wish that I could just try the good old fashioned way…oh gosh, how I wish. I mean even if there was a <1% chance I would give it all I’ve got. But unfortunately, I have no tubes…and therefore there is no way for sperm to meet my egg….and only one ovary to boot so I am left with IVF. IVF is the only way that I am able to have a child.

And IVF has failed me.

My body has failed me. My uterus is useless. My eggs are now extremely diminished.

That’s what my RE said after I asked about what happened this cycle. My eggs were of poor quality, cloudy and that’s why I didn’t have anything to transfer or freeze.

Wow.

So now what? I don’t know but I’ve gotta get out of this dark hole.

And so I must switch it up and talk about my wonderful husband…let’s call him Bubs.

Bubs is just unbelievable. He is my light and my air. He is my reason…just my reason for it all.

When this happened last week, I was obviously upset and overwhelmed. He though, on the other hand, was calm, comforting and…oddly positive? I didn’t understand how he was o.k. with everything that happened. We had just spent thousands upon thousands more dollars for nothing…I mean NOTHING. What did we get out of this cycle? More hurt, pain, confusion, defeat??

But he saw it as one step closer.

Closer to what? I don’t know. But he just kept saying, “We will get there, I see the light.”

So that stuck with me…”We will get there, I see the light.”

And then, the night of my BFN results…I was listening to Pandora….and Sara Bareilles came on…this song, The Light:

This song was for me…at this moment….it was unreal…

“And if you say we’ll be alright
I’m gonna trust you, babe
I’m gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we’ll be alright
I’ll follow you into the light”

He’s right.

And this song is just so true.

We’ll be alright. And I’m gonna trust in faith. That we will be alright.

I’ll see the light one day…and thanks to my Bubs…I know I will see it…with him by my side….

We will see the light. Or be the light.

And some day we will be alright.

19 Comments on Failed IVF. It Still Hurts.

  1. Hey girl. My heart hurts for you. It’s such a difficult time to get through. But knowing you, I know you will get through it. But at this moment, letting yourself to feel and experience the hurt will help you get to the other side. Your husband is wise and right. You will be alright. Holding you in my thoughts, as always. <3

    • Oh Isabelle…thank you and I know you truly understand. After all you have been through…I appreciate your empathy. And you are right, we will get through it and we must keep going. Whatever gets thrown at us…we MUST keep going. Appreciate your thoughts and thank you for your continued support…xoxo

  2. I already tried once to post this so I apolgize if this is a duplicate comment. I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know your heartache and understand your pain. But, gosh, what a wonderful man you have by your side. I have no doubt that, together, you will get through this. That song is beautiful and perfect! Also, I am working on positive thoughts for myself because I have been too hard on myself lately. So, I will send some for you: Your body has NOT failed, your uterus WILL work the way God intended and your eggs ARE good enough. You are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

  3. You’re husband is a wise soul. Of course that doesn’t surprise me much considering he married you. I know how much you hurt right now and you have been on my mind and in my heart. You are one step closer. Promise, promise. xoxo

  4. Awe.. Bubs sounds amazing. I’d bet him and T could be good friends. <3 I actually started to cry reading this and because of all the pain your going through. I don't know why, but I can't help but feel like your sweet husband is right. Since I know you're a lot like me, know it's okay to not be feel strong. It's okay to be mad at the world for a while. But know, against everything, you are not alone. You are amazingly strong, strong because you have to be and I know you'd prefer not to be, but even in this post, I see your amazing heart and strength. Sending so much love.. Thinking of you a lot this week friend.

  5. Throughout this journey your incredible strength and determination has shone through your words. I understand all to well the hurt you’re feeling right now, although I know each of our experiences is individual, and truly feel that all of the complex emotions that arise are important and normal aspects our fertility journeys and the path to being alright. I am thinking of you and sending you armfuls of support.

  6. My heart is in pain for you. I am so incredibly sorry for your pain and what you are feeling. There are not enough words to say that could ever fill the void this has caused. I am sending you positive vibes. I believe your body is going to surprise you, it’s going to show you it WILL do what it’s meant too. Hugs for you. Let yourself feel the pain but don’t let it overwhelm you. Pick yourself back up and look for the rainbow because I am sure it is right around the corner for you.

    Xox Brianna

  7. Hi… I am new to your blog .. My heart bleeds for you.. I have been through 1 IVF and I know how tough it is.. I hope you come through from the cold and dark place and find peace

  8. Hoping and praying for you. I feel your pain. Every bit of it I assure you…I had to have my tubes removed myself. But, tell that hubby of yours to keep that positive outlook. My hubby does the same. He always reminds me that there are people even more less fortunate than us and we’ll make a way one day. I’m currently saving for my first IVF cycle, and reading blogs (whether with good or not so good news) helps. It helps to know that we’re not the only ones who have given up hope on having a family…even with the odds stacked against us.
    Just think of how fortunate you are to be able to keep giving it another go.
    Hoping and praying for you.

    http://www.gofundme.com/ivf-before-35

  9. I’m so glad your hubby is so supportive, he sounds like a wonderful man. I know it hurts, and to say it’s difficult is an understatement. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Thinking of you!

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