Yep, it still hurts.
Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially…just hurts.
Not to mention that those progesterone shots…they left big bruises and STILL really hurt. Just another reminder of something that is not.
I’ll admit it friends. I have fallen into a deep, dark hole of helplessness.
After 9 cycles (3 IVF, 6 FET)…I just don’t know what else to do. I wish that I could just try the good old fashioned way…oh gosh, how I wish. I mean even if there was a <1% chance I would give it all I’ve got. But unfortunately, I have no tubes…and therefore there is no way for sperm to meet my egg….and only one ovary to boot so I am left with IVF. IVF is the only way that I am able to have a child.
And IVF has failed me.
My body has failed me. My uterus is useless. My eggs are now extremely diminished.
That’s what my RE said after I asked about what happened this cycle. My eggs were of poor quality, cloudy and that’s why I didn’t have anything to transfer or freeze.
So now what? I don’t know but I’ve gotta get out of this dark hole.
And so I must switch it up and talk about my wonderful husband…let’s call him Bubs.
Bubs is just unbelievable. He is my light and my air. He is my reason…just my reason for it all.
When this happened last week, I was obviously upset and overwhelmed. He though, on the other hand, was calm, comforting and…oddly positive? I didn’t understand how he was o.k. with everything that happened. We had just spent thousands upon thousands more dollars for nothing…I mean NOTHING. What did we get out of this cycle? More hurt, pain, confusion, defeat??
But he saw it as one step closer.
Closer to what? I don’t know. But he just kept saying, “We will get there, I see the light.”
So that stuck with me…”We will get there, I see the light.”
And then, the night of my BFN results…I was listening to Pandora….and Sara Bareilles came on…this song, The Light:
This song was for me…at this moment….it was unreal…
“And if you say we’ll be alright
I’m gonna trust you, babe
I’m gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we’ll be alright
I’ll follow you into the light”
And this song is just so true.
We’ll be alright. And I’m gonna trust in faith. That we will be alright.
I’ll see the light one day…and thanks to my Bubs…I know I will see it…with him by my side….
We will see the light. Or be the light.
And some day we will be alright.