5724076e6074c8ddcca4a843ee11d2d2

I had a LOT of hope for IVF #3

I mean…I had already been through 2 other IVF’s and 6 cancelled FET’s. I’ve spent more time in my RE’s office than some of the nurses…not kidding. So this IVF #3 was going to be it. We were finally going to give everything we’ve got. My lining had been the best it’s ever looked during an IVF cycle and we were also going to try the GCSF wash. Which worked on MANY women with my problem of chronically thin lining. I was hopeful. O.k….I was beyond hopeful. I was confident that finally it was my time to hear some good news.

Finally time for a transfer.

Then it all came falling down.

I had 9 eggs retrieved, 7 mature, 6 fertilized and then 0 made it…what?

Here I was crying all along for my thin lining and didn’t even pray for my precious embryos. Why, why was I not thankful for those 9 eggs?

It actually haunts me. And I think it always will.

How selfish can I be to cry after retrieval because my lining was still thin but so ungrateful for those 9 eggs? What was wrong with me?? How many women would die for 9 eggs…and I cry. And then they were gone. Just like that.

After retrieval I continued to have hope for my lining though. I went ahead and did the PIO shots to prepare for a transfer. Because we did another GCSF wash during retrieval, I thought…well, if it gets up to close to 6mm I think I should still try to transfer one of my precious frozen embryos. Why I thought this….I have NO clue. No one in their right mind would transfer in a 4.4mm lining on trigger day. I mean NO ONE. Why was I feeling compelled to try? Because of the GCSF? Because I went through ALL of this crap and thousands upon thousands of dollars again for nothing? Because I have been on this journey for way too long without EVER having a transfer? I was impatient. I felt myself getting anxious and overwhelmed.

But yet…I had hope. I know miracles happen every day. A miracle could happen to me.

And so we did it.

On transfer day my RE said my lining looked “pretty”…what? It had gotten close to 6mm so there was hope and I was at peace.

We transferred one of our precious highly graded frozen embryos from my Jan.2014 cycle on March 31.

I was PUPO. And I was happy.

I’ve never even had an opportunity to feel PUPO. My tubes have always been blocked. I only have one, sleepy ovary and I’ve NEVER had a transfer so there was hope.

I happily did the PIO shots for the past 10 days. I didn’t care about any of the pain of my failed IVF cycle with no embryos because maybe, just maybe I am pregnant and I wouldn’t have to worry about that. Maybe God is showing me that I didn’t need all of those embryos and that this one….this chosen embryo is going to be my baby. Finally my take home baby.

So, I didn’t test. I waited for the call today.

I went in at 9am for my blood draw. What was taking so long?

3PM.

One of my sweet nurses. I knew before she even spoke.

“I’m sorry, it’s negative”

And that’s that.

No miracle for me.

I believed in miracles.

I believed it could happen to me.

I believed.

But I was wrong.

Not now.

So, here I am. An absolutely failed IVF cycle #3. Nothing to show for it except the credit card bills that we will be paying for the next year.

How about that….getting absolutely nothing and having to still pay for it?

Wow.

Reality check.

And once again…it only shows me that I have NO control over this.

I try to control things in my life. I’ve done that my entire life…and I’ve been pretty good at it.

If I have my eye on something…I’ll find a way to get it.

But this.

This is different.

I guess I can’t do that.

And I’m trying to accept it.

Through these ugly…and I mean, if you all could see me now…UGLY tears that are streaming down my face, I’ve lost all control.

And it doesn’t feel good.

But through all of this, I am still thankful.

I don’t know how…but I keep going back to my sweet husband.

Who when I called and let him know the news said, “It will be o.k. WE will get through this”

Yes we will.

At this moment. I don’t know how. I don’t even know how I’m going to get through this day.

But I know I will. And life goes on.

So that’s that friends.

I’m sorry I kept this secret from you.

I was embarrassed.

And still am.

But I said I would tell you all everything…and this is everything.

The good, the bad and the UGLY(tears).

All here.

I appreciate you all. You keep me going and you encourage me to continue on this torturous journey.

It is a journey I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

Yet it is my life.

I know I always end my posts with something positive and encouraging but this time I will just leave you with my heart.

My heart is hurting and it is broken.

You all have my heart and I can only pray that I will survive this heartache.

Thank you all for your continued support.

You have no idea how much each and every one of you mean to me.

Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom…I mean, the bottom of my broken heart.

 

 

 

 

60 Comments on IVF #3- I Kept It To Myself

  1. I am devastated with you. This is beyond unfair. I have no idea how to encourage you today because I suspect nothing will fix your hurt and disappointment. But please know you are cared for and I (and do many others) love you deeply and want to help you and your husband in any way we can. Ugly cry all you need to, at times like this tears need to flow. Wishing you peace and calm.

    • MPB…you are an angel. Your words mean more than you know and I appreciate your support immensely. None of us should have to go through all of this heartache…but together we can get through it..thank you from the bottom of my heart…xoxo

      • You are right, none of us should have to go through this, and it’s sad and cruel.
        Please know that I will be here for you whenever and however you want to share. And I am hoping for your happy ending, whatever that may be.

  2. Know that however & whenever you choose to share your story, you have my unconditional support. Honestly though, I’ve been following your blog for awhile now and I can tell you with 100% certainty that you WERE thankful for the 9 eggs. Do you know what else.. There were a whole lot of us praying for more than just your lining. I don’t know why this happens but I do know it’s not your fault. You have every right to feel broken and defeated. I wish I had some perfect thing to say that would take away your pain but I know that’s not possible. I’m sorry you’re going through this friend. I still believe in miracles and I still believe that someday it will happen to you. Big hugs and so much love. 💜

    • Thank you so much my sweet friend….you have always been there and I appreciate it more than you know. You help me. Just being you. You encourage me without saying anything. Your spirit encourages me beyond it all. I have no words either except that I appreciate you. ALL of you. You understand and you have always been there and I appreciate it more than you know. My friend. Thank you. Just thank you. xoxo

      • I cried when I read your post and now the tears are flowing. Your friendship means so much to me and I just wish things were different for you… Big hugs. Please email me even if you just want to talk. I’m here for you always.

  3. I am so, so sorry, Sweetie! You just go ahead and have that ugly cry. Cry your heart out if that is what you need to do. Allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to. I am praying for you and that you will indeed get your miracle one day! Sending you lots of love and hugs!!!

  4. Oh sweet friend, I am so, so sorry. Please know that you don’t have to do this alone. You have people who don’t even know you, like me, yet know you so well because I am you and you are me. We are on this journey together and don’t you ever think you are alone. It’s so unfair and I hate it. I hate infertility and RPL. Sending you so much love and know that I pray for all of my IF sisters every day, but tonight you get a special prayer. xoxo

    • Thanks so much Wifey…I know we all have a special bond and connection through this heartache…it is just unbelievable what we all have to go through 🙁 Appreciate your love and prayers…xoxo

  5. My heart is broken for you. Why must we go through this hell? My only hope is that when this horrible journey you are on ends at a happy place- your gratitude is so tremendous that the pains slowly etches away. Sending you a big hug.

    • Thank you mamajo23. I agree…why must we go through this hell? I feel, deep in my heart, I will find that happy place but it’s so hard to keep believing when you are going through all of this heartache. Thank you for your support and hug..xoxo

  6. I can’t even tell you how much I hate this for you. I am in tears. This is not fair. It’s not right. I know there is nothing I can say that can make you feel better but please know you are not hurting alone.

    • Thank you Jennie. I just don’t understand it. Thank you for understanding and being there for me. It’s women like you who help keep me going…I just couldn’t do it alone. Thank you for your continued support…xoxo

  7. I’m truly sorry. Words cannot describe what u are feeling. Just know we will always be here to support u no matter the situation. Hugs friend!

  8. I really hate that I’m reading this right now. I can’t begin to imagine how devastated you must feel. I’m sure your heart is safe here though

  9. I have been thinking of since your last post about the embryos. The situation is just so very sad. Just know that I am praying that you receive comfort and that you will get your miracle. It might not be in the time frame you expected or the way you thought it would be, but you will get your miracle someday.

  10. Oh love, this is so sad. My heart is brokenfor you, it just doesnt make sense when nothing works. Its just so unfair. I feel so deeply for you and i understand your pain and your hurt. Im here to help lift you up when needed. Ivf#3 feels like this thresehold in art you kmow the woes but you still have hope & once you pass over that thresehold the uncertainty creeps in, it did for me. But im here to say, there is still hope. You will not be on this island forever but while you are you have this amazing community of support. Do not ever feel embarassed. This too, is part of the process, part of your journey. I wish i could give you a big hug and cry crocidle tears alongside you. Sending lots of love and stenght to you today and for the days to come. Xoxoxo

    • Thank you so much quietovaries. It doesn’t make sense for any of us to go through this living nightmare. I just don’t understand it and not sure if I ever will. I know you definitely understand what I’m going through…you get it. I just know that one day I will be a mother…some day some how…I don’t know how but I just must keep believing. Thank you for understanding and for sending love…xoxo

  11. I am so very, very sorry to hear this news. 🙁 My heart is breaking with yours. You need not be embarrassed, my friend. Be kind to yourself and take care of that heart of yours. <3 <3 <3

    • Thank you julieann. I’m trying to be kind to myself but it is hard when I’m hating my body right now. It just won’t cooperate and it is beyond frustrating. Thank you for your support…appreciate it greatly…xoxo

  12. I can only imagine what you’re going through. So much hope for the transfer and it all came crashing down. Life is so unfair, especially in this infertile world, and especially for some people who have been struggling for so long and have been trying everything they can to be pregnant. My heart breaks for you. I know how it feels to not have any embryos left in the end and also a failed transfer. Holding you in my heart as you feel all your emotions. <3

    • Thank you Isabelle. I know you understand. All of this just feels like a nightmare. Appreciate your support and I’ve been thinking of you too. Some way, some how we will get our babies…..just have to keep believing it in all. Thanks for your support and understanding…xoxo

  13. My heart is so broken for you. I’m so sorry. Life really isn’t fair and it seems to be the most cruel to people who deserve so much better. I wish you and your family all the best as you go through this. You have many people praying for you.

  14. Through my profound heartache on your behalf, I’m loving you and your husband so much right now! Your bond is bigger and stronger than ALL of this. Love. Is. Everything.

  15. My heart hurts for you just reading this. Ive no words that will help, but know you’re thought of and cared for by complete strangers because you let us in on your journey.

  16. ita hard.. its very hard.. but vent and cry all you want today.. but tomorrow stand up and be strong.. like your hubby said.. you will get through this.. all us ivfers do.. somehow I believe everything happens at the right time… this was probably not your time… when it is your time, the universe will work in such a way that you get your miracle.. I believe you will one day.. and just when you least expect it.. keep having faith and stay strong… take some time off.. get some ‘me’ time and you and hubby spend quality time with each other… you both will get through this for sure..

    • Thanks expressionofthought. It is hard. It’s really beyond hard. I don’t know how I keep getting up and trying sometimes. It’s overwhelming…but I do and we all do. I’m keeping the faith that I will be a mother one day. My miracle is out there…thank you for your support…appreciate it….xoxo

  17. I’m so sorry. It’s not fair. I know the exact feeling of being so incredibly confident that this will be the month, that finally you’ll get what you’ve been waiting for….and then have it all come crashing down in a matter of minutes. It’s devastating and my heart is broken with you. It’s okay to fall apart, we all have, just like we’ve all put ourselves back together to try again. Sending hugs.

  18. I’m so very sorry. No one should have to go through this. But don’t be embarrassed for not sharing. We’re all here for you regardless. I’m sending you all the strength in the world. xx

  19. A failed cycle is so hard. The excitement of being PUPO, the joy of those thoughts about when the baby will be due, how you will break it to your friends and family, the wonderful mother’s day you will finally have. I am so sorry hun. We had our failed in January and it hurts. We only had 2 embryos and transferred them both. It did not take. All we can do is hope this round took, because the alternative is too painful. You will get through this. we all will. I know it is hard to believe but we will get our miracles. Hugs are with you and let those ugly tears out. Let them take with you all the ugly thoughts that are going through your mind.

  20. Dreaming of Diapers,

    I am so sorry for your hurt I wish I could hug you! I recently had a meltdown because another month and another bfn. So I started searching for blogs to hear of other women going through the same heartache month after month. I Found You! I read your story start to finish this morning and feel terrible for the heartache you go through. I can not imagine going through all these rounds for 3 years Not sure I have the strength. I started in august of 2014. Went through 3 IUIS and now I’m on my first IVF cycle. Had some complications with the retrieval on wednesday but feeling better. Transfer is Monday, I’m hoping I don’t have OHSS but I’m thinking I may have a mild case and might have to wait another cycle. When i think of your heartache, I think my 2 years of trying to conceive is nothing compared to what you are going through. Reading your journey makes me wish there was something I could do to help, hop on a plane go across the country and do something for this women. Please know you are an inspiration, a fighter, a believer, an optimist and I have FAITH that one day you will get your miracle! You deserve it! I will be praying for you.

  21. I’m so sorry 🙁 it is so so hard and so unfair….it really is. And sometimes the heartbreak seems like it will never end. Just know that somehow, someway, you will get through this and you WILL have a baby because going through this process makes us warriors who keep going until we get to our goal- through whatever means possible. Sending you love and peace…

  22. Oh I am so sorry and I hope you don’t beat yourself up for any of this. You did every single thing you could and it is not fair at all that you ever have to go through any of this. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. I’m so sad that this cycle didn’t work. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find some peace and comfort in time and in some way. Sending you a big hug!

  23. I am truly so very sorry 🙁 I know there isn’t anything to say that will make it better other than know that you have a lot of support here and people praying for you.

  24. So, so heartbreaking 🙁 Have that ugly cry, a Pinot Grigio, and shout at God some (we all do it on this awful jouney of ours, He can handle it). Infertility is the most unfair thing that has no explanation. *hugs to you *

3Pingbacks & Trackbacks on IVF #3- I Kept It To Myself

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *