Month: April 2015

Infertility Awareness Week— I Believe

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In honor of Infertility Awareness Week…I want to simply dedicate a song to all of you beautiful men and women going through this journey of a very misunderstood disease.

If you have just started your journey, know there is hope and faith.

I understand it all. I have been there…over 3 years actively trying…9 medicated cycles(3 IVF, 6 FET)…5 surgeries…2 HSG…3 Sonos…Ruptured Appendix….One Ovary…Blocked Fallopian Tubes…Endometriosis…Diminished Ovarian Reserve…Scar Tissue everywhere….Chronically Thin Lining….Dr.’s telling me, “I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen for you. It would take a miracle.”

Well, good thing I believe in miracles…..

I don’t care what they say. I don’t care what they believe. Because I know that I will become a mother. Some way, some how. It WILL happen and until I have my child in my arms, I will keep going and do whatever it takes for that to happen.

I will sacrifice. I will fight. I will battle for my child.

So this is for you. All of you battling infertility. This is not easy, this is not comfortable and this is not the way that we dreamed it would be….BUT this is also NOT the end of you.

This is truly the beginning.

“I Believe”

I believe if I’d knew where I was going, I’d lose my way

I believe that the words that he (your RE) told you are not your grave
I know that we are not the weight of all our memories
I believe in the things that I am afraid to say

Hold on, hold on

I believe in the lost possibilities you can see
And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
I know that your heart is still beating, beating darling
I believe that you fell so you can land next to me

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way
I wish that you could see your scars are linked of beauty
I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay

Hold on, hold on

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning [x4]
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive))
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

****Lots of love, grace and faith to you all…BELIEVE.****

 

Failed IVF. It Still Hurts.

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Yep, it still hurts.

Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially…just hurts.

Not to mention that those progesterone shots…they left big bruises and STILL really hurt. Just another reminder of something that is not.

I’ll admit it friends. I have fallen into a deep, dark hole of helplessness.

After 9 cycles (3 IVF, 6 FET)…I just don’t know what else to do. I wish that I could just try the good old fashioned way…oh gosh, how I wish. I mean even if there was a <1% chance I would give it all I’ve got. But unfortunately, I have no tubes…and therefore there is no way for sperm to meet my egg….and only one ovary to boot so I am left with IVF. IVF is the only way that I am able to have a child.

And IVF has failed me.

My body has failed me. My uterus is useless. My eggs are now extremely diminished.

That’s what my RE said after I asked about what happened this cycle. My eggs were of poor quality, cloudy and that’s why I didn’t have anything to transfer or freeze.

Wow.

So now what? I don’t know but I’ve gotta get out of this dark hole.

And so I must switch it up and talk about my wonderful husband…let’s call him Bubs.

Bubs is just unbelievable. He is my light and my air. He is my reason…just my reason for it all.

When this happened last week, I was obviously upset and overwhelmed. He though, on the other hand, was calm, comforting and…oddly positive? I didn’t understand how he was o.k. with everything that happened. We had just spent thousands upon thousands more dollars for nothing…I mean NOTHING. What did we get out of this cycle? More hurt, pain, confusion, defeat??

But he saw it as one step closer.

Closer to what? I don’t know. But he just kept saying, “We will get there, I see the light.”

So that stuck with me…”We will get there, I see the light.”

And then, the night of my BFN results…I was listening to Pandora….and Sara Bareilles came on…this song, The Light:

This song was for me…at this moment….it was unreal…

“And if you say we’ll be alright
I’m gonna trust you, babe
I’m gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we’ll be alright
I’ll follow you into the light”

He’s right.

And this song is just so true.

We’ll be alright. And I’m gonna trust in faith. That we will be alright.

I’ll see the light one day…and thanks to my Bubs…I know I will see it…with him by my side….

We will see the light. Or be the light.

And some day we will be alright.