Month: March 2015

IVF #3—Stim Days 1-5

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Well, well, well….here we are AGAIN,

Full IVF #3….it’s interesting to me when people count FET cycles as IVF cycles…because if I were to do that, it would be IVF #9 or #10…and that just sounds…overwhelming!! Yikes…so I’ll stick with my calculations….

And this is IVF #3….

So, I know the deal….but I still don’t like it.

The whole reason why we decided to do another IVF is that after 6+ cancelled FET cycles, we needed to do something new. Something different to see if my lining will grow with these stim meds and I am getting older…I’ll be 38 this year…(omg). So my RE is getting concerned about the quality of my eggs and frankly we don’t even know if the embryos we have frozen are viable…and, again, this flipping lining. I mean, it is just an absolute MESS….so here we are.

As some of you read, this cycle started out with a hiccup. My sonohystogram had a little “bump”. Basically it looked like a small polyp or scar tissue or blood clot or something. My RE didn’t seem too concerned but I certainly was. He said if my lining cooperates then there would be no reason why we couldn’t transfer one embryo to see. But obviously, I want to give my babies a really good chance. I’ve never had a transfer and I don’t want to have my first transfer with questions going into it.

So here we go with IVF#3. I also only have one ovary so he’s treating me with a DOR protocol. I did NOT take BC pills before this cycle…only Estrace (IVF#1 I used BC pills and 5 eggs retrieved, IVF#2 I used Estrace and 11 eggs retrieved)

Stim Day 1: 450IU Gonal-F and 150IU Menopur–I had to give myself these shots since the hubby was out of town…booo…but I did it and only minimal bruising…that is a win! btw..I always ice and always take the meds out of the fridge about 1-2 hours before I give myself the shots so they are not cold going into my body…ouch!

Stim Day 2: 450IU Gonal-F and 150IU Menopur-Once again, giving myself the shots…o.k…I’m fine and feel like a pro (I guess I kind of am by now!)

Stim Day 3: 300IU Gonal-F and 150IU Menopur-Hubby is back and gives me the shots. Headaches ensue and bloating begins.

Stim Day 4: Bloodtest to check E2: 422. RE says that is a good number(I think it’s a little high for 3 days of stims??) and I continue on 300IU Gonal-F and 150IU Menopur. I start to get weird under my ribs feeling in my stomach.

Stim Day 5:Weird pressure under ribs feeling so I go to acupuncture (every week for the past 2 years!) to get the blood flowing and see if she can help with the pain in my stomach. Ultrasound: 3-5 eggs seen and lining non-existant with fluid 🙁 I am seriously SO over this. I don’t understand what is wrong with me?? 🙁

So, that is that. My lining SUCKS. Pretty much no matter what I do…it sucks.

I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. I just took it..like a champ. I’m going to focus on these eggs. And screw you lining!

So eggs, please grow into my future children. I can’t let the stress of my lining never cooperating to hinder this process. I’m in it now and just have to keep going to retrieval.

So, who knows if I’ll ever be able to transfer. More and more I think that, unfortunately.

I just won’t put my embryos in a place where they are destined to be doomed. A 3-4mm lining with fluid is exactly that. They wouldn’t have a chance.

So I’ll focus on the good.

For some having 3-5 eggs in an IVF cycle would be depressing.

Not being able to transfer during their fresh/frozen cycle would be defeating.

And never being able to transfer after almost 3 years of trying would be devastating.

But this is my life. And I am o.k. and even happy.

I am happy that I live in 2015 where IVF is even possible. I am happy if I even have ONE viable, healthy embryo that becomes my child. I am happy that my husband and I work hard to be able to pay for these treatments and sacrifice not owning a home. And I am happy that I have the faith to be o.k with all of this…the good, the bad and the ugly(lining).

Because I have a focus…and I might not be able to see the finish line….but I know that it is there.

I will focus on that finish line that I cannot see. I know I will have my child at the end of ALL of this. And that is all I will think about. When I think of that…all is good and this mess is just a means to the end. If all of this gets me to my child…every tear, pain, money, stress…will be worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing.

So friends….that’s my game plan. I may not see the finish line but I will keep going, and going and going.

I mean…what am I running…an ultramarathon??? I didn’t sign up for this!

I’ve never even ran a half marathon…but I’m in this and I’ll finish.

Mark my word…I will see that finish line and I WILL FINISH THIS RACE!!!!

Tears before IVF #3

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So this morning, I went to get my blood taken before I start my stims for IVF#3 tonight.

I was feeling o.k…not great because my husband just left on a plane for a business trip and he usually gives me my shots….so I’m solo tonight…boo 🙁 But I was o.k. I’ve been feeling extremely strong these past few weeks. Like a warrior going to battle for the 3rd time. I have my eye on the prize and nothing can stop me…nothing.

And then as I was waiting in my RE’s waiting room.

A trigger.

A woman.

Whom I had never met but I remember seeing. A long time ago…almost 2 years ago. I remember her because the last time I saw her I overheard “Congratulations!” and “You did it!”

She had just received her positive beta…and she was pregnant.

And now, 2 years later……she is back….trying for her 2nd child.

And here I am…….sitting in the same chair. Like I had never left.

Nothing has changed with me.

I still do not have that “light” that I saw in her eyes. The laughter she was having with the nurses about her daughter.

I am STILL sitting in these chairs.

Still childless.

Still hoping, wanting, waiting, praying, begging….for this child that I’ve dreamed of…

Still here…now going through my 3rd full IVF cycle.

And tears…just started falling.

I tried to control it…I really did but I couldn’t help it. So I kept my sunglasses on and went in to get my blood drawn.

My nurses could tell something was wrong. So I told them that I am just tired of all of this. They were so kind. Listening to me. Comforting me and just being there for me. Understanding and reminding me that this is HARD.

I try to be SO strong. I try to make it seem like this is not a big deal.

But it is. It is a huge deal and it is overwhelming.

I’m not going to sugar coat IVF.

Guess what…IVF is not the holy grail. You are not guaranteed to have a baby after you spend $25,000, $50,000, or $100,000.

People need to know that. I feel like so many women feel like…if they go through IVF, they will have a baby and unfortunately, for a lot of women..that’s not the case…

But I don’t want to bring myself or anyone else down…I’m just being real and honest in this moment that I am having right now.

I want to be positive starting this cycle tonight. I really, really do.

So I will leave it at that…positive.

Only positive thoughts from here on out.

Actually, I am “almost pregnant”. Infertile….no….almost pregnant….yes! (I remember writing about that a couple of months ago…and it always makes me smile when I say that)

So, that’s that…I’m “almost pregnant” and can’t wait until I can shout it from the rooftops when I am definitely pregnant!!

Here’s to being definitely pregnant soon!!!!! Bring on IVF #3!!!