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So this morning, I went to get my blood taken before I start my stims for IVF#3 tonight.

I was feeling o.k…not great because my husband just left on a plane for a business trip and he usually gives me my shots….so I’m solo tonight…boo πŸ™ But I was o.k. I’ve been feeling extremely strong these past few weeks. Like a warrior going to battle for the 3rd time. I have my eye on the prize and nothing can stop me…nothing.

And then as I was waiting in my RE’s waiting room.

A trigger.

A woman.

Whom I had never met but I remember seeing. A long time ago…almost 2 years ago. I remember her because the last time I saw her I overheard “Congratulations!” and “You did it!”

She had just received her positive beta…and she was pregnant.

And now, 2 years later……she is back….trying for her 2nd child.

And here I am…….sitting in the same chair. Like I had never left.

Nothing has changed with me.

I still do not have that “light” that I saw in her eyes. The laughter she was having with the nurses about her daughter.

I am STILL sitting in these chairs.

Still childless.

Still hoping, wanting, waiting, praying, begging….for this child that I’ve dreamed of…

Still here…now going through my 3rd full IVF cycle.

And tears…just started falling.

I tried to control it…I really did but I couldn’t help it. So I kept my sunglasses on and went in to get my blood drawn.

My nurses could tell something was wrong. So I told them that I am just tired of all of this. They were so kind. Listening to me. Comforting me and just being there for me. Understanding and reminding me that this is HARD.

I try to be SO strong. I try to make it seem like this is not a big deal.

But it is. It is a huge deal and it is overwhelming.

I’m not going to sugar coat IVF.

Guess what…IVF is not the holy grail. You are not guaranteed to have a baby after you spend $25,000, $50,000, or $100,000.

People need to know that. I feel like so many women feel like…if they go through IVF, they will have a baby and unfortunately, for a lot of women..that’s not the case…

But I don’t want to bring myself or anyone else down…I’m just being real and honest in this moment that I am having right now.

I want to be positive starting this cycle tonight. I really, really do.

So I will leave it at that…positive.

Only positive thoughts from here on out.

Actually, I am “almost pregnant”. Infertile….no….almost pregnant….yes! (I remember writing about that a couple of months ago…and it always makes me smile when I say that)

So, that’s that…I’m “almost pregnant” and can’t wait until I can shout it from the rooftops when I am definitely pregnant!!

Here’s to being definitely pregnant soon!!!!! Bring on IVF #3!!!

0 comment on Tears before IVF #3

  1. I definitely know what you mean. I certainly went into my first IVF not thinking it was a guarantee but pretty close. And then it did work but when I had a miscarriage I was left completely stumped as if I could not for the life of me figure out how this could have ended so terribly. And when I confided in a friend that we’d had our second miscarriage (without telling her that we’d gone all the way to IVF) her response was basically “that sucks, but you can always do IVF.” I really think that most people think that you go do IVF and the BFP is just a formality.

    • I know! That’s what people keep telling me too…”you know you can always do IVF”…they have NO CLUE that we’ve already done 2 and on our 3rd πŸ™ Thank you for your support True Hugbo! xoxo

  2. There is just so much that goes into it – I think people (including me) just have no idea! Glad you are choosing to have positive thoughts! Here is to a positive test as well!

    • Thanks so much Caroline! I’ve got to choose positive thoughts….He has led me on this path for a reason and I am following…I will believe that He knows more than me πŸ™‚ Thank you again for your continued support! xoxo

    • Thank you JoJo….you are an inspiration…and you are on your way to being a Mom…you kept going and that’s what i will do…your little boy is very lucky to have you as a Mom…one day I will be there too πŸ™‚ xoxo

  3. Amen sister! This is not easy! And you are stronger then you know! I appreciate yoir honestly with this post. Im rooting for you over here on the IVF sidelines…. Big hugs xx

    • Thank you quietovaries! It’s not…right?!! It’s tough and I know you understand. Truly appreciate your support during this cycle…something’s gotta give at some point….thank you and hugs back at ya!! xoxo

    • Thank you mamajo23! I was just a mess…these emotions are tough…but you are right….I am a warrior…and I will get through this!! Praying that 3rd time’s a charm! Thank you for your continued support!! xoxo

  4. That “almost pregnant” post is like my bible! I think of it often and have shared it with many “almost pregnant” sisters over the past months. Here’s to positivity and success as you enter into IVF #3! Love and hugs!!!

    • Thank you girlsetsfire! Appreciate you loving my “almost pregnant” post….I always think back to that and it gets me through this nightmare. Thank you for always supporting me…hopefully I’ll have great news after this round….love and hugs back at ya! xoxo

    • Thank you My Perfect Breakdown! It is hard..right!?? I admire you for all you are going through and continue to go through now…hang in there…and yes..hoping this 3rd time is it! Thank you!!! xoxo

  5. Praying so hard for you. It is so painful. So painful. I can’t even imagine it. I only know how awful it was being with my pregnant (and unkind) sister in law while I (thinking I’m quite a nice girl) was going through treatment. I can’t imagine the trauma of you seeing her having a second child while you still wait. Strength and love…We’re all rooting for you

    • Thank you thandilocks! Any fertility treatment is tough…it should be easy to get pregnant…and for some it is…but others…it takes a village…and more! Appreciate your support, strength and love! Thank you!! xoxo

  6. Don’t ever forget how amazing you are. Your strength through all of this is inspiring. Before blogging I always thought IVF was the answer and never even thought it didn’t work, since blogging I can how difficult it is. I’m saying special prayers for that lining of yours and hoping that this is your chance. πŸ’œ You are always in my thoughts.

    • Thank you girly…ahh…you always know just what to say πŸ™‚ We have to get a break soon…right?! Both of us…something’s gotta give…..and I’ll keep going until they do. Thank you for always supporting me and being there when I feel so down…you’re helping me get through this and it means the world to me πŸ™‚ xoxo

  7. Oh sugars!! I know it must be so tough but gosh…you are so strong!! And your faith and positive attitude? Inspiring!! I am praying for you. Xo

    • Thank you Elisha! We are both strong…and we will get through all of this! I am believing that He is leading me on this path for a reason…and I will believe that my child is the reason….thank you for always supporting me(and this entire community!) xoxo

  8. It’s just so hard sometimes, and I totally know those triggers too. Sorry you had a rough day, but I love that you’re almost pregnant. You go girl, stay as positive as possible!

  9. Thank you so your brave honesty. I write about a similar moment in my clinic in Ever Upward when two women were “bragging” about how many embryos they had frozen while I am sitting there for my last chance with nothing frozen and much younger than them. And, now I am the childless, yet childfull, mother everywhere I go. Some days it is more than I can bear. Sending love, light and prayers for this round!!!! Justine

  10. I don’t think I’ve ever left a comment somewhere before in the tic community… I am in the two month wait leading up to my first IVF cycle and of course found myself browsing blogs to learn.. to hope… I honestly can’t believe what a strong human being you are. I am sure you are thinking I sure as hell don’t feel that way but you are. Truly. To have the dedication and determination to continue to try in the face of so much money being spent and so much heartache. This is really something rare and special. It’s something a majority of women will go through life never having to face. Never having to be challenged and grow. When and not if… when you have your baby I think you will appreciate that little baby and never take he or she or they for granted in a way most mothers won’t or can’t because of your experiences. That is the most special gift you can give your future child. Hang in there. Try not to beat yourself up when those positive moments slip away. Never give up – not that you need to hear that – I can tell you won’t. I am not sure what you are doing to mentally take care of yourself or where you live but find something that helps you with any depression or issues you are facing. I highly recommend doing the Landmark Forum if you have it in your area. It is a three day (weekend) that helps people who go through some of the hardest things life throws some people and truly gives you a mental shift most people can’t find on their own to not hold you back in life. Or it at least helps πŸ™‚

  11. Praying for you. So much goes into IVF, medically, mentally, physically, emotionally…. I could keep going on. Doctors make calls on numbers and blood work that are different from your friend. “Why is X a good number for her and not me?”

    A guarantee. That would be fantastic. I know we do t know each other, and not the best person to give support with my history, but I wanted to let you know you are getting it from over here too. Found you from A Calm Persistence. Hugs.

  12. We have been through 3 IVF’s so I know exactly how you are feeling right now-very tired to say the least. But, you can do it. It will all be worth it in the end when you hold that baby you have dreamed of in your arms. Stay strong, there are people out there who feel for you & understand.

  13. I know how you feel …sometimes I felt like I was in a static world and nothing changed while all around me people got pregnant. It is so draining and just SO hard. But.. eventually things do change….for us it was with ivf attempt #4 (I’m now 17 weeks). Keep having faith that one day all this will lead to your baby – not because ivf is a magic cure all but because you have determination and strength and so much love for this child who will one day exist and I know you will go to any means to create your family. For now just believe that this time is IT!!!! Sending you good vibes and thoughts for number 3!!!!!!!!! πŸ™‚

  14. This blog is great. I am just starting my third round also. First was a chemical, second we made it to 14 weeks with a subchorionic hemorrhage and it over took the placenta. Here we are round 3. I found your blog because I was thinking of starting one. I was going to call it “The Truth about IVF: it fuck*ng sucks.

  15. I can’t wait for you to shout that you are pregnant too! I will be thrilled for you! Hoping and praying this cycle goes so smoothly for you and I look forward to you having good news to share soon!

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