Month: January 2015

Birth Control and Thin Endometrial Lining: A Link?

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Yes. I am what you call…obsessed with solving all of my infertility problems(I know, it’s not healthy but it keeps the faith). I mean, when I look through my timeline, it reads like a war zone. So, almost every day, I think, “What else could cause me to have this chronically thin lining?”

And I might have found a clue.

Prolonged use of birth control pills.

Boom.

After they removed the 110mm cyst that was on my right ovary, they immediately put me on birth control pills (they also had to remove my right ovary and right fallopian tube..so I only had my left ovary and tube for the future). That was in 1997. My Dr., at the time, said that I would need to be on birth control continuously to “preserve” my fertility (to prevent future cysts). So, I heard that, and I stayed on birth control for the next 15 years! Here, I thought I was preserving my fertility, and in turn, I might have been doing more harm??

Now, I understand, this could just be a hypothesis that I read online BUT, I contacted the actual RE who found this link between continuous birth control use and thin lining…and he emailed me back 🙂 I explained my entire history and his response was this:

“Dear Dreaming of Diapers,

Your thin lining is likely secondary due to the prolonged birth control pill use.
 Our experience is that this effect wears off over time but takes more than 3 years in most cases.
 We have had no success in thickening the lining so far with any strategy including G-CSF and platelet rich plasma infusion. Most patients conceive spontaneously once they have given up so it does seem to self-correct.”

Now, obviously, I cannot conceive “spontaneously” due to not having fallopian tubes any longer….BUT I’ve almost been off of birth control for 3 years(minus this past month because of a cyst!) so I’m just going to think positively that this lining will turn around…maybe it just needs to “wake up” from being asleep for 15 years!!! ???

Just wanted to get this out there…in case there are others, like me, with this, frustrating, thin lining problem. Not many of us…at all….. but I’m determined to find some way…some reason why this is happening.

Please let me know if you’ve experienced this. I’m trying to find out why this may happen to some of us and what can be done to cure it.

On a little positive note, I went to my RE yesterday and the cyst is finally gone 🙂 I’ve been on birth control for almost a month(I know, I didn’t want to be on them after I read the above…but after 2 months, had no choice since it wasn’t shrinking on it’s own)…so it was supposed to be gone…but with my body…who really knows what will happen. I’m glad it’s cooperating a bit and I can start prepping for FET #6 on Monday. I start Tamoxifen again and then I go in for an ultrasound on Feb.9……so I will update then.

A note to my lining: 9mm…I mean, let’s be honest..I’ll take 7mm…but I have high hopes for ya…make me proud this cycle…let’s finally make it to a transfer…finally…xo

They Will Never Understand

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So, I’ve learned plenty of things living with infertility.

From patience to gratitude to faith to more strength than I ever thought I could possess, to love, to my pain threshold, to grace, to trust, oh…did I mention patience??? Patience? Patience?!!!

And recently, I’ve also learned to just not talk about “IT” to the fertile people in my life. Including my family and some very close friends(the literally 5 people that I’ve told!)

It does make me sad that I feel this way but I’ve tried…oh, how I’ve tried to bring things up…really not trying to make it a big deal…just mentioning appointments/procedures….and what do I get??

These are actual quotes:

“Well, everybody has something don’t they? And this is your thing.” (family member)—yep, just like getting a flat tire on the way to work…same, same.

“You’ve gotten everything in your life that you’ve wanted so maybe this is the one thing you won’t get”(family member)—this one GUT me. I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of her mouth..because I would trade EVERYTHING to be able to have a child….everything.

“You are so lucky that you can afford IVF, there’s no way my husband and I could” (from a friend who just gave birth)–ah, yes, let’s see, if you count using our ENTIRE savings/charging credit cards and moving into a crappy apartment that we rent “being able to afford it” then sure…I guess you are right…how lucky are we.

“At least you have a husband.”(single friend)—Sure, and at least I’m alive too?

“I’m pregnant with another boy.” and then she cried because she wanted a girl. (friend)—I would die for a boy or a girl….way to rub it in…and can I have him?

“You used to look so happy. Now, you are just different. It’s depressing.”(family member)–I’m sorry that MY infertility is depressing YOU…..wow….knife to the heart.

And, I could go on and on….but I’ll stop.

So, I’m shutting my mouth to everyone(unless you read this blog…this is why I am anonymous..no family or friends know about this blog).

From here on out, me, my husband and you ALL (my IF support blessings, thank you) are the only people that will know what’s going on with me and this IF journey. If anyone else asks, even family, I will say…”Everything is great” and leave it at that.

I’m tired of being hurt for trying to be open. I’m tired of no one being able to understand what it’s like to get excited almost every, single month for the past 3 years, only to be let down time and time again. And I’m tired of making excuses and feeling bad for myself around those who know(and feeling bad about them feeling bad about my infertility when they get pregnant…confusing, I know…but I think you get it)

For some reason, me taking control back about not sharing anything regarding this journey to close family and friends helps me….I have no clue why?(any psychologists out there??) but it just does…obviously, it’s a control/guarding my heart emotional thing.

So…..they will just never truly understand.

They will never understand the heartache of hundreds of BFN’s.

They will never understand the emotional battle that you have with your heart, your mind, your soul, your everything, month after month.

They will never understand the hours upon hours looking up “infertility” on the web…from RPL to BBT to beta numbers to injection videos to adoption/surrogacy.

They will never understand scheduling intercourse…oh, the romance.

They will never understand the utter fear of giving yourself your first injection. And then the hundreds there after.

They will never understand the financial toll it puts on your relationship and your entire future.

They will never understand that we will never get to experience the innocence of surprising our husbands with a pregnancy test reveal.

They will never understand that even after seeing those two pink lines…you can’t be happy quite yet because you might have another miscarriage.

They will never understand that after they have their second and third child and continue to complain about them to you…that you would do anything to have those children and those “problems”.

They will never understand that to have a “chance” at having a baby costs more money than you ever dreamed but you have no choice because it is the only dream you’ve ever really had.

They will never understand that feeling you get when you see pregnant women walking down the street…a daily reminder of what you don’t have…even though you are doing everything you can to make it happen.

They will never understand when your RE looks at you and says, “I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know if you can carry a baby full term.”

They will never understand that we are at war……battling against infertility….every…..single…….day.

So, it’s very simple….unless they have been through the throes of infertility….they don’t get it…

And they never will.