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She’s beautiful.

I look and look again…trying not to stare. But I can’t help it.

She takes my breath away. She smiles. She’s strong. She’s powerful.

She doesn’t feel that way though.

She’s exhausted. She is sick. Her back aches. She doesn’t fit into her clothes.

She has love handles.

She’s irritable. She’s uncomfortable.

Her 2 yr old hangs on her torn shirt.

She complains to strangers. I listen.

She is still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

She’s short. She’s healthy. She’s perfect. She glows.

How I would love to “be her”.

She doesn’t feel that way though.

She looks at me, she thinks I’m beautiful.

She compliments my hair and my dress.

She tells me she wishes she had my body.

And I tell her, “No…no, you don’t.”

She gets defensive, insists and looks at me puzzled.

I look down and can’t control the tears.

She doesn’t get it….and most don’t.

I look “normal” on the outside…carefree.

But inside, I am a mess.

This body has had surgeries, needles, hormones, drugs, patches, pills, bruises, scars…

Lots of scars.

All covered up, by a pretty dress.

I cover up my tears with excuses and makeup.

I hold it in so that I don’t make others uncomfortable.

Yet, I am always uncomfortable.

So, she doesn’t know. And I can’t speak.

She looks offended. She thinks I’m rude. Inconsiderate. Selfish.

She doesn’t get it.

She grabs her bag and her child and hurries out the door.

She is pregnant.

I am not. And have never been.

Not by choice. But by the choice of this body.

I sit in stillness. My heart beats fast. I feel hopeless. I feel insecure. I feel alone.

No one understands.

I can’t explain it. I look normal. I look happy. I look healthy.

I look beautiful.

On the outside.

But on the inside, I am not.

She wishes to be me and I wish to be her.

Perspective.

Perfect Woman.

41 Comments on Perspective: Perfect Woman

  1. This made me cry, as it hit so close to home. I distinctly know that feeling, heart beating practically in your throat, because you’ve almost told this person (someone who can’t possibly understand your pain), albeit cryptically, about your reality. I’ve heard the same compliments when teaching a fitness class to a room full of moms at various stages of their motherhood — some with young children, others with grown children who’ve since had children of their own. And they want my body. How superficial we can be sometimes…

    And then occasionally I’m able to put the shoe on the other foot, and try to put myself in the position of the woman carrying a child, the one who we envy. Maybe she’s had successive miscarriages and is an emotional wreck with this pregnancy. Perhaps she’s carrying a baby with a chromosomal disorder or congenital disease and agonizing over this truth. Who knows?

    I guess the moral of the story is that the one thing we DO know is what it’s like to be ourselves. Despite all the pain and struggles, I’d choose my own life.

    I choose me.

    • Thanks a bunch girly. I agree. I would still choose my life too….I have had struggles but I thank God every day for the life I have….and I will overcome this obstacle….I will become a mother…I just have to keep going until it becomes reality….xoxo

  2. Beautiful. Just beautiful. I can clearly remember several years of crying in my car after someone would tell me how “lucky” we were to not have kids, how they wanted to “sell their kids on kijiji”, how “easy” we had it as a childless couple, how nice it must be to still be able to fit in my wedding dress, or how lucky I was to be able to have a glass of wine with Christmas dinner while they had to avoid alcohol AGAIN due to an unexpected pregnancy or while nursing yet another baby… They had no clue that the very miracle and privilege they so took for granted I was praying for daily. Perspective really is everything!! One thing that I took away from that heartache was the ability to clearly see my miracle baby as the blessing and gift that she is. There is no need for cursing over being woken for a 2am feed when God is giving me a quiet and uninterrupted chance to nourish and cuddle my heart’s desire. My journey of infertility and loss has definitely made me a better person, a better wife, and a better parent. Thank you for so beautifully expressing what so many of us have lived. 🙂

    • Thanks so much Mombie. I’ve got the “you’re lucky to not have kids” thing too…and wow….does it bother me. People have no clue. I’m so happy for you and your miracle baby. I know that when I have my baby, I will feel the same as you….cuddling my heart’s desire 🙂 Thank you for your sweet words and support…xoxo

      • I love the word “when” instead of “if”. One way or another, if it is your heart’s desire, I have no doubt that you WILL be a mother. Sending luck and love to you on the journey.

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