My body is a mess……on the inside……..
On the outside I “look” healthy….but I’m not 🙁

I’ve been trying to start this new medicine (Tamoxifen) for the past 2 weeks but my E2 levels are not coming down from all of the Estradiol Valerate injections I had last cancelled FET cycle trying to grow this stubborn lining 🙁 I had my period…two weeks ago…and my E2 levels were 400+ something, then they came down to 343, then 234….then 244? What?? My RE won’t let me start on the new medicine unless it’s under 100. I’m also randomly bleeding…cause that’s fun…..I’m…a…mess….Frustrating….

I feel like all I’ve done is wait. I know a LOT of us on here are used to waiting. I’ve had 1 morula(Nov. 2013) and 6 blastocysts(Jan. 2014) just frozen in time, waiting for me to have a sufficient lining…but my body has failed me…every…single….time.

I don’t want to put my babies in an environment where they won’t even get a chance to grow.

I’ve never had a transfer…ever. I’ve never even had an embryo near my uterus…not even close because I only have one fallopian tube…and that’s blocked with scar tissue…and now super blocked by the Essure(to control the hydrosalpinx).

I have been through 2 hysteroscopy surgeries, 1 Essure placement, 2 HSG’s, 1 Sono HSG, 2 IVF’s, 2 natural FET cycles cancelled and 4 FET cycles all cancelled…lining never growing past about 5.6mm….but usually always around 4mm. My RE will also be on vacation the month of Oct….so….more waiting…….

I’ve been feeling down…here and there(o.k….more here than there). When you have zero control over something like this it is confusing…I feel like my hands are tied and I can’t get out. Especially when I have friends “planning” their baby. Not kidding, one of my friends is planning to get pregnant next month so it works out with vacations and such…wow..good luck to her.

I don’t want to feel like, “poor me”. I don’t want people to feel that for me either because like I said…on the outside…I look normal. I look like a healthy 36 yr old woman who should have no problems. I’m in a happy marriage, I have a fun job, we live in a wonderful place…but on my inside….I am damaged. I know something is wrong with me and there is no cure and no one seems to care…kind of like dying on the inside.

O.k…sorry for the solemn post but that’s where I’m at right now…in limbo. I just went again this morning for another E2 blood test and an ultrasound…of course there’s fluid in my lining right now 🙁 but it looks like I’m still suppressed so hopefully my E2 will be below 100. My RE wanted me to wait another month for my period to start and I, kind of, lost it in the office…and then he said…”Oh, well I guess we can try the Tamoxifen now as long as your E2 is below 100…like 75″. And then once again brought up gestational carrier to me….and I lost it again.

I have this hope that I am hanging onto with carrying my own baby and it just keeps getting shot down. Obviously, I don’t want to put myself or my unborn baby at risk. I just want a chance. I just want, at least, one transfer. I’ve been through so much already, I just can’t give up now. There’s gotta be something…right?

God’s timing….I’m counting on it…

I have this hope and I have this dream and I believe He has given that to me….Now, it’s up to Him. I know it will be worth this wait…I know, in my heart it will…I just have to keep my mind in check with my heart…

Today my heart is somewhere else though….It’s our wedding anniversary…..so my heart is full of love for my hubby and pups..I am truly blessed to have them in my life….I thank God every day for that man he gave me….

And I had to wait for him…

So I will wait for my babies…….(and in the mean time…..drink lots of champagne)….cheers!


24 Comments on Wait a minute…or a lot longer…….

  1. I am so sorry you’re having such a rough time right now. I can’t imagine just how frustrating that has to be for you. I will be praying that your E2 is down and that your lining grows, grows, grows like it is supposed to. Happy Anniversary!!!

    • Thanks Dawn! Thinking of you too girly…stinks that your last IUI was cancelled….what we all go through I tell ya. Hoping that it works out for us both very soon!! Thanks for the anniversary wishes too! 🙂

  2. I am so sorry sugars! My heart just breaks for you. I am praying Isaiah 53:5 over you…I love that verse because it says that by His wounds we ARE healed. It doesn’t say might be…or will be…but rather we ARE. I am believing in your healing and my healing through faith…just like I believe I am going to heaven one day through faith. No matter what your circumstances look like, believe in your heart that you are healed and your body is perfect because that is exactly how God sees you. He doesn’t look at you as an infertile woman with a broken body…He sees you as healed, restored, made whole and a soon to be happy mother of children. Love ya girlie! Stay strong! xoxo

    Oh and happy anniversary! I hope you have a fabtabulous time 🙂

  3. I’m sorry to hear this and I feel your pain. I am 30 this year, diagnosed with PCOS and I’ve been through 2 miscarriages. I’m still trying for baby number 1! It is so frustrating for me too. My first pregnancy was natural conception and the baby had no heartbeat at 5 weeks 5 days and my D&C was done on 10 Jun 2013. Went through IVF in Apr 2014 and was successful on my first fresh cycle only to miscarry at 8 weeks (after seeing a heartbeat at 6 weeks) with my D&C done on 14 Jun 2014. I don’t know what’s worse actually. Getting pregnant only to lose the babies, TWICE. But you are right, we must have faith and hang in there and just keep trying.

    Good thing is, we are in happy marriages. 🙂 So let’s just keep trying. I believe we will be blessed with our own kids one day. 🙂

    Take care!

  4. Oh sweetie, we all have days like this. I too hold onto the dream of carrying a baby. We haven’t even gotten as far as you in the process. I have this crippling fear that going in for IVF and actually trying means there could be actual failure. It is horrible. And there is no one to talk to. No one understands. The waiting game is so painful. =( I hope you had a great anniversary. It is so hard to have a good marriage, great dogs and a nice home and feel so sad deep down. Hidden away from others. Good luck to you my dear.

    • Thank you so much Christina! Try not to think about failure…that’s what happened with my first IVF and we only had 1 morula to freeze…during our 2nd IVF, I just relaxed, continued to work and we got 6 blastocysts 🙂 You have to keep hope alive and just KNOW that we will, one day, be pregnant and give birth to our beautiful miracles soon 🙂 xoxo

  5. Well first and foremost, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! Yes…please enjoy that champagne, you certainly deserve it!

    I’m pretty sure I have a post that matches yours exactly. It took me three years to get to a transfer and even then I transferred with a lining less than 6mm. It was the cycle after when I did low-dose stims for an IUI that my lining was 7.8mm. My ever-present fluid was still there, even then, I wish someone could explain that, but still to this day, I don’t have an answer for the fluid.

    You absolutely are right. You deserve a chance. That was all I wanted as well. Just that one time to go into transfer and hope that just maybe, I could carry our baby. So keep trying for that. It may be exactly what you need for peace to ever move towards other steps. (And just for the records, even thought we are using a GC, I have not given up on transferring into my uterus again) We just only have so many embryos from our donor cycle and I want to make sure we have a baby before we do that. So you keep your chin up and keep fighting for that uterus!! Behind ya all the way. Feel free to email me if you want to chat more about that pesky lining! (suzkwilliams@yahoo.com)

    • Oh Suzanne…you are my inspiration girl! We have SUCH similar stories…it’s crazy! I am definitely going to try, at least, one transfer before looking into other options…gotta do it to keep me sane! Right now though my Estradiol level will not go down 🙁 …it’s been a month! I have no clue what’s going on but after trying to prep my lining with Estradiol Valerate shots it has SLOWLY gone down but nowhere near it needs to be….anyways….always problems with this lining….but WE are gonna get through this and we WILL have our babies soon….nothing is going to stop us….simple…as…that 🙂 Thanks for your support and right back at ya! I might email you to ask some more specific questions about this dreaded thin lining…thanks again!!! 🙂 xoxo

  6. I’m very sorry you’re feeling so down, and on a day that should be happy. Happy Anniversary! But in reality, I get it, it sucks. I think we each have our own idea of what we are okay with, what we really truly want out of this, which is more than a healthy baby, as it’s important to us how we get it too. And it’s sad more people, including our doctors, don’t always understand that. I’ve thought several times about finding a carrier, but I understand that is not your wish, your wish is to carry your child, and I get that. I know we all try to help, even our doctors, just so often we don’t say the right things or we overstep and push our thoughts onto others. You’re right though, you deserve a chance, a transfer. I really hope that happens soon for you, enough with all the waiting!

    • Thanks a bunch Stefanie! Appreciate your empathy…it does suck…but we gotta do what we gotta do! And having a baby is what I’ve gotta do 🙂 ….btw an early congrats to you!! One day I hope to have a positive pregnancy test and deliver a healthy baby…it’s gonna happen I just have to keep trying and believe it! xoxo

  7. I stumbled across your blog. I am also in the less than 1% that has chronically thin lining. 6 months ago, I did get pregnant with a 6.5 mm lining, but later miscarried. Since the D&C, I haven’t broken past 6 mm. I’m currently on day 7 of stimms for IVF #3 and I’m barely at 4 mm. I have tried all the medical and natural remedies you write about as well, and we are not willing to do a gestational carrier. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing your story.

    • Hi Rose! The lining issue is THE WORST! So frustrating…right!?? I feel like the Dr.’s don’t know very much about it and they just suggest Gestational carrier like it’s nothing…arrrg! How about fix ME Doc?! I will def share any and all the info I learn and find out and please feel free to do the same…also, feel free to email me: dreamingofdiapers@hotmail.com…I’d be happy to answer any of your questions! Best of luck my friend! xoxo

  8. Hi Dreaming,

    I am so sorry you are in a down turn. I know, I’m there with ya. While we are not on the same treatment plan I have just been feeling down in the dumps about it all lately. I am on a cycle off letting my body recover before we jump in and tackle IUI +Clomid+ Progesterone. And for whatever reason I just want to give up. I have to keep convincing myself that it will be worth it. any time I hold someone else’s baby I just have to breath deep and remember and this is what I want. I am trying to remain upbeat because I write a snarky, happy, laughable I.F. blog. But sometimes it really is just the shits.

    If you want to check me out: http://unpregnantchicken.com/2014/09/expectations-of-others/

    It’s nice to have a relationship with some of the other I.F. Bloggers out there. Having connections to people who get it, even if they live far away, if so therapeutic!

    XOXO Kaeleigh

    • Hi Kaeleigh! Thank you for your sweet comment…and yes, gotta keep your head up too! We have to support one another to get through these REALLY tough times. I can’t wait until we ALL have our babies and look back at all of the support we received from one another…it WILL happen and I’ve just got to believe! xoxo 🙂

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