My body is a mess……on the inside……..
On the outside I “look” healthy….but I’m not 🙁
I’ve been trying to start this new medicine (Tamoxifen) for the past 2 weeks but my E2 levels are not coming down from all of the Estradiol Valerate injections I had last cancelled FET cycle trying to grow this stubborn lining 🙁 I had my period…two weeks ago…and my E2 levels were 400+ something, then they came down to 343, then 234….then 244? What?? My RE won’t let me start on the new medicine unless it’s under 100. I’m also randomly bleeding…cause that’s fun…..I’m…a…mess….Frustrating….
I feel like all I’ve done is wait. I know a LOT of us on here are used to waiting. I’ve had 1 morula(Nov. 2013) and 6 blastocysts(Jan. 2014) just frozen in time, waiting for me to have a sufficient lining…but my body has failed me…every…single….time.
I don’t want to put my babies in an environment where they won’t even get a chance to grow.
I’ve never had a transfer…ever. I’ve never even had an embryo near my uterus…not even close because I only have one fallopian tube…and that’s blocked with scar tissue…and now super blocked by the Essure(to control the hydrosalpinx).
I have been through 2 hysteroscopy surgeries, 1 Essure placement, 2 HSG’s, 1 Sono HSG, 2 IVF’s, 2 natural FET cycles cancelled and 4 FET cycles all cancelled…lining never growing past about 5.6mm….but usually always around 4mm. My RE will also be on vacation the month of Oct….so….more waiting…….
I’ve been feeling down…here and there(o.k….more here than there). When you have zero control over something like this it is confusing…I feel like my hands are tied and I can’t get out. Especially when I have friends “planning” their baby. Not kidding, one of my friends is planning to get pregnant next month so it works out with vacations and such…wow..good luck to her.
I don’t want to feel like, “poor me”. I don’t want people to feel that for me either because like I said…on the outside…I look normal. I look like a healthy 36 yr old woman who should have no problems. I’m in a happy marriage, I have a fun job, we live in a wonderful place…but on my inside….I am damaged. I know something is wrong with me and there is no cure and no one seems to care…kind of like dying on the inside.
O.k…sorry for the solemn post but that’s where I’m at right now…in limbo. I just went again this morning for another E2 blood test and an ultrasound…of course there’s fluid in my lining right now 🙁 but it looks like I’m still suppressed so hopefully my E2 will be below 100. My RE wanted me to wait another month for my period to start and I, kind of, lost it in the office…and then he said…”Oh, well I guess we can try the Tamoxifen now as long as your E2 is below 100…like 75″. And then once again brought up gestational carrier to me….and I lost it again.
I have this hope that I am hanging onto with carrying my own baby and it just keeps getting shot down. Obviously, I don’t want to put myself or my unborn baby at risk. I just want a chance. I just want, at least, one transfer. I’ve been through so much already, I just can’t give up now. There’s gotta be something…right?
God’s timing….I’m counting on it…
I have this hope and I have this dream and I believe He has given that to me….Now, it’s up to Him. I know it will be worth this wait…I know, in my heart it will…I just have to keep my mind in check with my heart…
Today my heart is somewhere else though….It’s our wedding anniversary…..so my heart is full of love for my hubby and pups..I am truly blessed to have them in my life….I thank God every day for that man he gave me….
And I had to wait for him…
So I will wait for my babies…….(and in the mean time…..drink lots of champagne)….cheers!