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You know that you’ve been on this infertility journey for a while when one of your best friend’s tells you she’s pregnant and you don’t feel anything. Just numb….

That’s what happened today. Numb. I knew she was trying.They started trying 12 weeks ago. She’s now 12 weeks along.

Numb.

I so wish to be that friend that squeals and jumps up and down with JOY over her pregnancy announcement. But I just feel numb.

She was hesitant to tell me too. She’s one of the only friends I’ve actually told about SOME of my issues. She has NO clue that I’ve already been through every HSG, Sono, 100s of blood drawings, 2 IVF’s, multiple cancelled FET’s…and so on. I don’t have to tell you all what we go through…it sucks

I’m not jealous, I’m not mad, I’m not sad, I’m not confused…I’m just numb.

I’m asking myself now though…will this change? Will I “feel” again? Will I only allow myself to be happy after we have a child?

I know children bring happiness…but, right now, for me….a child=happiness. Its not right.

I know it’s not right…I’ll get through it…but “true” happiness? I haven’t felt that in a long time. I can put on a happy face, I can laugh, I can have “fun”….but it’s always in the back of my head….OR it’s ALWAYS brought up.

Anyways…this literally JUST happened and I started writing……you all.

You all are the ones I think about first. You all are the ones that pop in my head when I see anything “pregnant”.

You get it. You’re the only ones that get it.

Thanks for being there…my “Get It Girls” πŸ™‚ xoxo

 

20 Comments on Numb…

  1. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this! It’s never easy to hear a pregnancy announcement, especially when it’s someone so close to you and it happened on their first try. Hugs and prayers going out to you!!!

  2. This stuff hurts… no two ways about it. I’ve always found it rather ironic that even though it’s us IF girls who go through colossal amounts of crap to get pregnant, it’s the fertiles whose feelings are always in consideration. Granted many times they just have no clue of what we’re going through but still makes me mad. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. I send you many huge hugs.

  3. I am so sorry – I have been through this so many times – I want to encourage you that the enemy is going to feed off of this – that he wants you to be jealous and well… numb. I hope the Lord provides you will peace and joy inside – that you can celebrate another creation of life. Praying for you xoxo

    • I agree Caroline….I’m better now and back in my positive mode…the enemy is tricky…I will celebrate with her though and I know my time will come…whenever it is supposed to happen…thanks you for your prayers πŸ™‚ xoxo

    • Thanks for “getting it”…I knew you ladies would…it’s a very tough road we have to walk…and I’m getting tired….but I won’t give up:) Thanks for your Hugs…I need them all πŸ™‚ xoxo

  4. That’s so hard. I get it. I have a friendship that is forever irreparable because of her becoming pregnant right before my cancelled cycle. It’s rough. I’m sorry.

  5. I completely understand. My SIL called me over the weekend because she had had a miscarriage. As devastating as that is, they got pregnant after trying for 1 month! I was so upset for her and was understanding, but how could they get pregnant and not me?!

    • Hi Jessica…I know…so hard right? I guess we have to try not to look at it that way…and try to think…well, i guess it’s just not our time yet…YET…hopefully VERY soon though…xoxo

  6. I just found your blog, I have the same story, although I suspect you are handling it better than I did. My best friend of 18 years got pregnant within about 4 days of trying. I was supportive through the pregnancy but once baby arrived I couldn’t handle it. We no longer speak. I heard recently she is expecting her second… this is the gal who always said she didn’t want kids, yeah yeah whatever. Hugs to you. It is soo hard.

    • Thanks yep….you get it. It is so hard…but I know our time will come…I just have to keep believing and not giving up. There are days that are harder than others….but there’s always a light. One day we will have our babies…I just KNOW it….hugs back at ya!

  7. Can totally relate! Hubby and I have been trying to conceive going on four years .. my sister’s baby is now 5 months .. my sister in-law is due in October & my other sister in-law is due in January! Trying to stay positive ..

  8. I just started following you now, as I begin my first IVF cycle. I am a mess of emotions and of course a very very close friend just told me she was pregnant. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. She only knows a bit of our struggle, and of course I am happy for them, but I am having such a hard time with it. I know that there aren’t a certain amount of babies up there and that because she is pregnant it means I am any less likely to get pregnant, but honestly when she told me I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I ran out of there as quickly as was socially acceptable and then started the cry. Since she told me 3 weeks ago and I have totally and completed avoided her since, which I know just makes it more awkward but I cant bring myself to do it. I makes me feel sick to my stomach. I am a horrible person I know, but I just cant make myself stop and act normal.

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