Month: December 2013

Losing Friends…

I sit here crying thinking about how many friends I’m losing because of my infertility.

It’s a really weird thing…nothing I can control, I’m trying to do everything to stop it…but now, no matter what, if I don’t have a baby and everyone else does…I lose those friends.

Friends hang out with friends that they have things in common with. 90% of my friends have babies. They have play dates, they go to school together, they talk about all baby things…with me…they ask WHEN I’m going to have a baby….and that’s it….

Losing friends….

I’m lost and I’m losing more and more friends every month..another pregnancy announcement, another friend lost..
I know that the reality is…it’s that I’m jealous. I know I shouldn’t be jealous. I try. I really, really try not be…but it’s hard.

I want to be a part of that group. It’s an “elite” group in my book.
To some, it’s not. It’s simply not taking your birth control or not using a condom and bang….you’re pregnant.

To me, it’s praying every day. It’s timing, it’s supplements, it’s daily doctors appts, it’s needles, tons of needles, it’s thousands & thousands of dollars for a CHANCE. Not even a guarantee but a chance at maybe…one day…being able to create a life and becoming a parent….the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do in my entire life.

It’s going through one round of IVF….now onto round 2 of IVF…and who knows how many more…..

I don’t own a house…because I’m trying to have a baby…….

I’m just sad but thankful that 2013 is coming to a close. I pray that 2014 will be better.

Just better.

I don’t want to feel jealous when others announce a pregnancy. I don’t want to lie about “not” trying to have a baby just to hide the fact that we’ve been trying for over 2 years now. And I don’t want to write something like this ever again on my blog.

This is a low point friends…and I don’t want to feel this again.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for your support. And most importantly, thank you for being the amazingly strong women(and men) that you are to share your stories with the world.

You all inspire me. You all keep me going on this unfair journey. And you ALL have a major role in conquering this beast. We will conquer infertility. One way or another.

I will not give up.

WE will NOT give up.

Here’s to 2014 and making ALL of our dreams come true….xoxo

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I Can’t Wait To Have A Baby

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It’s funny that I write that because…..I have no choice but to wait. I have no choice. Some of you reading this have no choice. But….to….wait…….

We have so many choices in life…but this one….WHEN we are going to have a baby….it’s not really up to us….

I’ve tried that…I’m taking ALL of the supplements…I’ve read ALL of the books and googled everything. I’m going to acupuncture every week. Taking the herbs she recommends. I Have a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I’ve had ALL of the surgeries he suggested. I stuck myself with 5 needles a day. I’ve been through the “holy grail” of IVF…thought that would give us our baby…that’s what happens with most people…right?………

But no baby…more waiting….

And yesterday, when I needed answers, I read this from my daily devotional:

“I am working on your behalf. Bring Me all your concerns, including your dreams. Talk with Me about everything, letting the Light of My Presence shine on your hopes and plans. Spend time allowing My Light to infuse your dreams with life, gradually transforming them into reality. This is a very practical way of collaborating with Me. I, the Creator of the universe, have deigned to co-create with you. Do not try to hurry the process. If you want to work with Me, you have to accept My time frame. Hurry is not in My nature. Abraham and Sarah had to wait many years for the fulfillment of My promise, a son. How their long wait intensified their enjoyment of this child! Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.

“For with You is the fountain of life;
    in Your light do we see light.” Psalm 36:9

And now….I get it. I always knew deep down that it’s not on my time. I’ve been trying to force it to happen though…..and that’s not how it works….

I CAN wait to have a baby

I WILL wait to have a baby

And WHEN I am blessed with a child, I will understand that THIS is the time….THIS is my time…

My time to have a baby…..when will that be?

2014? 2015? I guess we will all have to wait and see…….